Episode 10

Transcript:

00:00:00
Hey everybody, welcome to Comically Exposed.

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My name is Gabbie.

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I am one of the hosts and our other fabulous host is Heather Nye.

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Look at that.

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So welcome to our podcast.

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If this is your first time here, what are you doing here?

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But seriously, this is a podcast about having OCD and trying to break into the world of

00:00:33
comedy and other things.

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Is that it?

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Yeah, I think that's about it.

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Also this is episode 10.

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Oh, nice.

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So we like to start off with a little check in on how things went since our last episode,

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which was a while ago.

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I mean to them it was two weeks ago.

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Or if they're listening to all the podcasts one right after the other, it was just like

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a few seconds ago.

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But I have a little post-it note because I forget things.

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So I'm going to start with my stuff.

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How about that?

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Okay, cool.

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Yeah.

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So last time I talked about auditioning for this play that I found out about from a buddy

00:01:20
in AquaArobics, the classic entertainment story.

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So I did the audition and that was really cool.

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And I was not picked for the part, which is honestly fine because this sounds so dumb.

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There were so many words that I would have to memorize in ways that are very difficult

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for me.

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But they were huge monologues and I'm more of like a back and forth gal.

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Anyway, they were incredibly nice, reached out to me and were just like, yeah, keep auditioning,

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not for this project, but something in the future.

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So that was really cool.

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And then I also talked about wanting to rent out a theater because I really want to do

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a night of everybody come in and talk about your horror stories on dealing with trying

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to get healthcare in this country.

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Still haven't found a theater yet, but that's okay.

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So let's go back a little bit though.

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I'm like, let's talk about the- I'm busting through my list.

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What?

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I know you're just like- Next, next, next.

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Going through my list, we're getting through it.

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No, no, no, no.

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Let's sit with the auditioning.

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Oh, okay.

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So how did it feel to audition?

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If I recall, in the little conversation we had last time was that when you were going

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to audition, you weren't sure if it was going to work out anyway because your schedule didn't

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permit the time to do a lot of the practices that they would have to have.

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But you opted to do the audition, right?

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Because- It'd be good exposure.

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Yes.

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And so how did it feel to audition for something?

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To do it?

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Yeah, okay.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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Well, well, well.

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It was good and horrible.

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So yeah, I knew that the schedule was going to be tough unless they paid me to be in the

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play.

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It was going to take away a good chunk of my daily job as a tutor.

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So that was going to be a concern.

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But instead of trying to future problem solve, like my OCD desperately wants me to do at

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all times, I decided, fuck it.

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I'm just going to audition and see what happens.

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So that was pretty cool.

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I went in and I was so worried because I didn't memorize all the lines and I was really beating

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myself up for it, surprise, surprise.

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And I had tried like a bunch of different types of methods to try and memorize lines.

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It just wasn't sticking.

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So it didn't matter because when I got there, they had all four parts printed out in scripts,

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like multiple copies.

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So like nobody was supposed to have memorized anything.

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And I even came in with my printed copy and they already had that, you know what I mean?

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It was just like, oh, look at that.

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Gabbie's over prepared and beating herself up for a situation that like the bar was set

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so low.

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Why am I holding myself to this like ridiculous standard up here and preparing for everything

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when it truly doesn't matter?

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And anyway, it gets into like trusting other people and trusting myself to take care of

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a problem should it arise.

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The audition process itself was pretty cool.

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You know, it was two women running the show, which was great.

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And after my first take, they were like, hey, let me tell you about this character.

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And I was like, great, because I tried to find the whole play online, you know this,

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so that I could get an idea of these characters more than the little like paragraph or two.

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And I couldn't find it anywhere for less than like 60 bucks or something.

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And it was just like, dude, no.

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So my idea is the character was a speechwriter for, you know, a cheesy politician.

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And the scene is her trying to come up with the speech and she's just like saying words

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just randomly, you know, like future progress, forward motion.

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And it's like, which I think might have been why it was so hard to memorize, because it's

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just like a list.

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It's not even they have nothing to do with these.

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Because you're not great with lists.

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You have to write them down.

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Great callback.

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OK, exactly.

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So and they were like, yeah, this character is like extremely frustrated, thinks that

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she should be a lot further in her career, doesn't want to work for this politician,

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is angry at her husband.

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And I was like, oh, OK.

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So I took it to like an eight, you know, and was just angry and like use the space and

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whatever.

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And I got a couple laughs, which is great, because apparently the play was a comedy.

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Although from the sides that I got, I was like, is it?

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But anyway, they were like I said, they were super cool.

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They reached out and they were like, even at the end of the audition, they were like,

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come do improv with us.

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Unfortunately, they do it in San Francisco, which is at least an hour away from me.

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So I haven't been able to get out there yet.

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But it was just very cool that they thought it was cool.

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And they were cool.

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And we were all pretty cool about it.

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So and they also do comedy sports in San Jose, which is also like two hours away.

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But they invited me to come.

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So you know, it nice to make friends, put myself out there.

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Also nice to get rejected because I don't do well with rejection.

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So it's good practice.

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And sitting with all of that.

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Did I answer all your questions?

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I don't know if I had a series of questions.

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Did I have to ask questions?

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But no, I just know it's great that you were able to go and just do it, you know, and put

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yourself out there.

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I mean, although there was some preparation that may have been in excess.

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Turns out.

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But to be fair, this is your first real audition.

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You didn't know what the expectation was to show up.

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So you have to give yourself a little bit of leeway in thinking this is your first time.

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Right.

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And everything's a lesson or something to learn from.

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And you did it.

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Yeah.

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All of that is true.

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And I totally agree.

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Yeah.

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And also in talking to some of our friends, they were like, hey, nobody follows up with

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an audit, you know, from an audition if you didn't get the part.

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So the fact that they followed up and took the time is like a good thing.

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Oh, I just remembered the part of it all.

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Oh, so I get this really sweet email from them.

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But my OCD brain says there's too many exclamation marks in this email.

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It must be sarcastic.

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It must be talking down to me.

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It must be them thinking that I'm this like pathetic creature that they're just trying

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to lift up.

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And I brought that up to my OCD therapist.

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And he put his head in his hands and he said, nobody has time to make a sarcastic email.

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Nobody is going to take time out of their day to talk down to somebody that they're

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rejecting for the thing that they need.

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You know, it's like he was basically like, you're not that special, which is something

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that my other OCD therapist used to say, which was always nice.

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But yeah, I think my therapist, if I would have brought that up, he would say they might

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be OCD therapists are the worst.

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They're the jerkiest people.

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Truly.

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I mean, currently, okay, I know I'm jumping ahead, but currently my OCD exposure homework

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is to lie to myself because because I am so judgmental, which we talked about on the last

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episode and I know that you are also judgmental of yourself.

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So self-critical and my thinking just goes to the catastrophic.

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It's just how everything is wired.

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So my therapist said, no, now you got to lie to yourself.

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So every time I say, oh boy, you know, you got really close in aqua-robics to the person

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next to you and you were in their space and now they hate you.

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Because like, no, now I have to say, I really blessed that person with the nearness of my

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presence in aqua-robics today.

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I'm sure it's going to make their whole day that they got to be so close to such a fabulous

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human being.

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Oh my God.

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So anyway, as my therapist is telling me to do this, I said, okay, that makes me feel

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like one, I'm lying to myself and it's like I'm not being realistic.

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I'm not facing reality.

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And he said, so what's the problem with that?

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And I said, well, it's a slippery slope because then I'll be delusional.

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And he said, okay, and then what?

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Again, OCD therapists are the jerkiest people.

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It's always like, and then what?

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And then what?

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And then, and you're like, oh, come on.

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So anyway, my, and then what is I'm afraid I will turn into Donald Trump.

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And he said, I wish you would.

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Oh my God.

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So all I'm saying is, if you notice me starting to part my hair a little too far and comb

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it over, if I start wearing ill fitting suits and trying to run an entire political party

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based on my weird charisma, just know that I'm doing my OCD homework.

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Oh, that's hilarious.

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Oh my God.

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It's to me personally, and I don't know if the audience will feel the same way to hear

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somebody else go through.

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Yes.

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Their own like OCD homework and hear the ridiculousness of stuff that comes out of your head that

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you're trying to reason why you can't do something.

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Then it makes you like, I mean, at least for me, it makes me go, okay, I see it.

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Yes.

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Oh my God.

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It's like, I love my individual OCD therapists, but my OCD group is so helpful because then

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somebody pops up and they're like, you know, I just, I'm not sure that I put the oatmeal

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away in a cupboard.

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So I had to check 25 times in the last hour.

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And I'm like, you dummy.

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Like that is nothing.

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That oatmeal has nothing to do with anything.

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And then I come in and I'm like, I'm pretty sure I'm Donald Trump.

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And then I'm like, no, I hear it now.

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I hear it.

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That's bananas.

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The oatmeal makes more sense, you know?

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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That's yeah.

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Oh, and so I had a couple of friends over brag.

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I have friends and I have this whiteboard in my house that I recently got rid of all

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the OCD goal setting that was on there.

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Cause it was for 25 different things and it was impossible to keep track of.

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And so I was just avoiding the whiteboard altogether.

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That's my main compulsion.

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So anyway, I had written very sloppily my OCD homework of lying to myself and trying

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to be Donald Trump.

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And these are my friends who are like political commentators, right?

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And so they come in and then I run up to use the bathroom and I come back down and they're

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both just staring at the whiteboard.

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I can explain.

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There was this intervention that started to happen.

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Cause they were like, did you wildly change your politics?

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And we were just talking about like, what?

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And I was like, oh no, this is my OCD homework.

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And they were like, I don't know that you should do it.

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You don't want to risk it.

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You don't want to.

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Yeah.

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Cause it's a, it cannot be two of them.

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Exactly.

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It's a slippery slope to Donald Trump.

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Yeah.

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I don't know.

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But there is some part of me and I, you know, I were kind of talking about this earlier.

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That is I would love a teaspoon of Donald Trump's just utter delusion, right?

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His ability to like believe in himself, create his own reality, not take no for an answer.

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That part I don't, okay.

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That part I don't really want, but.

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But just having that kind of blind confidence.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Just, although if he is truly a narcissist, it means he's truly insecure.

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Right.

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But that's a whole other topic.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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But yeah, but yes, on the, on the surface, it would be nice to have that kind of confidence.

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Just a sous son.

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You know, just a petit peu.

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Just, just give me a smidge, you know?

00:16:04
You know, Gabbie means it when she speaks French.

00:16:08
And those are all the French words I know.

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So you are welcome.

00:16:14
Two years of high school French didn't really pass the second year, but we're here.

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We're good.

00:16:24
Okay.

00:16:25
The other thing that I have to talk about, and then we're going to talk about your stuff

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is.

00:16:29
Oh, I thought we were done.

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That was the whole podcast.

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Nailed it.

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High fives.

00:16:33
The last thing is just a TMS update for the listeners at home.

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So I finished my TMS stuff and honestly, it was incredibly helpful when it comes to my

00:16:49
depression.

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I totally felt a difference.

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And the fact that we changed to a by hemisphere therapy kind of halfway through, so it was

00:17:03
supposed to do anxiety as well as depression.

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That part was not as helpful.

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That kind of unleashed more anxiety, which was a bummer and brought back some panic attacks,

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which was a bummer.

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And the whole like waking up at 3 a.m. every single night in a full fight or flight, right?

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Thinking that I'm dying.

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Also a bummer.

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And then it would be immediately into like very catastrophic thinking because your 3

00:17:35
a.m. mind is not great.

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So yeah, but overall it was really good.

00:17:45
There is a little bit of OCD around it, which is.

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So they give you these assessments, right?

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Before and after self assessments.

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And the anxiety was so bad at the end of the TMS that the assessment made it seem like

00:18:03
my depression was worse than when I started the TMS.

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And so the exit interview that I did with the TMS doctor, he said, I don't think Kaiser

00:18:15
is going to let you do TMS again because it looks like we really didn't help you.

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And so that was at the beginning of January.

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And I've been meaning to contact that doctor again to be like, give me another assessment

00:18:29
because now now that I'm like back to my regular scheduled program of like, you know, full

00:18:35
time tutoring and aqua aerobics is back because they closed the pool for a while and, you

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know, all the routines are back.

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I can definitely tell that the depression is just like so minimized, have not gone completely.

00:18:50
So but I haven't sent the email.

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So there you go.

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And do you know why?

00:18:59
Yes.

00:19:02
You don't have to talk about it.

00:19:03
No, no, no.

00:19:04
I was I was saying yes, because I feel like you know what I'm about to say, which is I

00:19:10
want to get the wording just right.

00:19:13
Yes, yes, yes.

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And I want to make sure that it's persuasive in the ways that I want it to be persuasive

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so I can control the outcome of it, which is that Kaiser, an institution that I have

00:19:31
no goddamn control over, none of us do.

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I can somehow make it so that they will in the future, which I haven't asked for TMS

00:19:41
in the future, but that they will be able to provide it for me at that time.

00:19:47
So real normal stuff.

00:19:52
So I guess I guess maybe I mean, I don't have to we don't have to talk about it any further.

00:19:57
But I guess what are your next steps then?

00:20:00
Oh, since you're like, since you're fully aware that this is happening the way it's

00:20:05
happening.

00:20:06
Yeah.

00:20:07
Well, here's OK.

00:20:08
Holy shit.

00:20:09
Have we just been talking about me?

00:20:10
So I just hope you know, it is going to be monologue Heather time after this.

00:20:16
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:20:21
There's no problem in like one person discussing over another.

00:20:24
It's not it's nobody's keeping score.

00:20:28
Again, nobody is keeping score in terms of who dominates or who doesn't.

00:20:34
But I think, you know, I'm holding up two post-its right now that I have right near

00:20:40
my computer.

00:20:41
One says there is no score.

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The other one says no one is counting.

00:20:46
Why do I have those on a post-it?

00:20:47
So I can frickin remind myself that that is true.

00:20:52
So here's the deal.

00:20:53
I have just figured out based on your suggestion a few weeks back in our sketch group, I've

00:21:03
just figured out how to do dictation using my computer.

00:21:07
So I have like run through so many emails that I have been putting off and stuff like

00:21:13
that.

00:21:14
It makes it so much easier just to talk it out.

00:21:17
That's great.

00:21:18
Yeah.

00:21:19
Yeah, I feel like a boomer, but the hell with it.

00:21:24
You know what you should feel like as a doctor because doctor dictates.

00:21:27
Doctor dictates is the name of our other podcast.

00:21:29
Yes.

00:21:30
Yes.

00:21:31
Yes.

00:21:32
Welcome to the stage.

00:21:33
Doctor dictates.

00:21:38
And I'm going to do it imperfectly this email and then I'm just going to send it and let

00:21:42
the chips fall where they may.

00:21:44
So when World War III starts because of an email, you'll know who to blame.

00:21:50
It's all Gabbie's fault.

00:21:53
Yay.

00:21:54
Okay.

00:21:55
Okay.

00:21:56
So going through your list, do we go through everything?

00:22:00
No.

00:22:01
Okay, the other things on my list are Heather.

00:22:05
So last time you were talking about dissociating, don't have to talk about it.

00:22:12
But if you do, I'd love like a little update because I think you were going through quite

00:22:19
a bit last time we talked.

00:22:20
I actually don't know a lot about my detachment that I do.

00:22:26
I think with anything, I started having more discovery that I was doing it when I finally

00:22:32
got in contact with my psychiatrist because he was opening me up to different things and

00:22:40
actually understanding my emotions because I went through therapy for a very long time.

00:22:45
And my therapist, because when she would actually ask me about my feelings, I would basically

00:22:51
say I don't know.

00:22:54
And the truth was is that I thought I couldn't feel them.

00:22:58
But what was really happening is that I was feeling all of them.

00:23:02
Overwhelmed.

00:23:03
Yes.

00:23:04
And I was overwhelmed and didn't realize it.

00:23:06
And the way what I was doing about it was detaching myself from those emotions.

00:23:12
And though detaching yourself from that is important for an emergency situation, right?

00:23:19
You do that, you can focus, but my brain for some odd reason uses it to protect me from

00:23:24
any emotions that I just don't want to feel.

00:23:29
And so it becomes more of an avoidance rather than anything.

00:23:35
What happened in class was, and I think we talked about it for a while too.

00:23:42
And I feel like it was so far away now.

00:23:44
It feels like a month ago.

00:23:45
So it's like it's so far away.

00:23:48
But it just happened.

00:23:49
No, but I think it was more than a month ago because we talked about it on the last episode.

00:23:54
The disassociation.

00:23:57
Sorry, there's two different ones.

00:23:59
There's disassociation and there's disassociation.

00:24:04
Disassociation and disassociation.

00:24:06
Those are different.

00:24:07
It's like there's, well, because yeah, because people say them as interchanging, but it's

00:24:12
like one's an actual thing.

00:24:15
It's like you're disassociating from someone versus dissociative, like a disorder.

00:24:22
I see.

00:24:23
It's like dissociating from the self versus someone else.

00:24:27
Yeah.

00:24:28
Okay.

00:24:29
And that is an actual disorder.

00:24:30
I have not been diagnosed with that.

00:24:33
So I don't know if I actually have that disorder.

00:24:35
Are you worried about stolen valor or something right now?

00:24:38
I think it's an okay for you to claim a little bit of this, even if you don't have an official

00:24:43
diagnosis.

00:24:44
It's because Instagram, TikTok, everybody claims to have things and they self diagnose

00:24:53
themselves rather than getting an actual diagnosis if they feel like they relate to them.

00:24:58
Because I think in one way, Instagram and TikTok bring something to the forefront of

00:25:05
something that's happening.

00:25:06
Right?

00:25:07
Somebody's like, oh wait, I do that.

00:25:09
But then some people claim that they have the disorder without actually being diagnosed.

00:25:17
And I kind of have a problem with that because one, it kind of undermines the person that's

00:25:23
struggling with the actual diagnosis.

00:25:26
And two, maybe it also means they're not getting the treatment they need.

00:25:31
And so that's the other part.

00:25:33
And then everybody, you know, whatever.

00:25:35
Also I should explain, everybody thought they had autism.

00:25:38
Yeah, that was a fun time on Instagram.

00:25:42
But for me, one of the things that my OCD does is it thinks that I don't have OCD and

00:25:50
it thinks I have something else.

00:25:53
And one of the things were autism.

00:25:56
And so I used to ask my therapist lots of weird questions and then he would basically

00:26:00
come back at me and he goes, so are you thinking that you have autism again?

00:26:07
Yeah.

00:26:08
Okay.

00:26:09
Just real quick.

00:26:10
I just want to interject for the listeners that thinking that you do not have OCD when

00:26:14
you have OCD is so common.

00:26:20
For me, there's a lot of like, oh, I'm just trying to get attention, obviously.

00:26:24
Or I'm just, you know, I'm trying to be a part of a group that I'm not really part of

00:26:29
or something.

00:26:30
And mine is I don't have enough to warrant being...

00:26:34
Yeah, exactly.

00:26:35
... that warrant talking about OCD or even whatever.

00:26:40
And so, no, going back to your question, I'm sorry, this is a long way around.

00:26:45
So when I detach, it's usually in result of too many things happening at once, like meaning

00:26:54
I am being utterly self-critical.

00:26:58
And then, but at the same time, I'm trying to counterbalance with a tool that I learned,

00:27:04
but then judging the tool.

00:27:09
So if I'm like, one of the things is to be present in the moment.

00:27:14
And rather than listening to what's happening in my head, acknowledging that I'm criticizing

00:27:20
myself, and then trying to pull myself back into a grounded state.

00:27:25
So grounding state is, you know, I could feel my legs when I'm sitting, you know, where

00:27:32
my hands are, where if there was a sound just right outside of me, you know, that I can

00:27:39
hear.

00:27:41
And those things bring me into the present moment.

00:27:44
And then that way I could focus on what was being said.

00:27:47
But then I was judging myself that I wasn't focusing.

00:27:54
And so sometimes when my mind gets overwhelmed, everything kind of...

00:28:00
Hard shut down.

00:28:01
Yes.

00:28:02
Oh yeah, there becomes a hard shut down and where I can literally see things, but I don't

00:28:09
necessarily feel like I'm part of it.

00:28:15
And sound doesn't make any sense to me.

00:28:19
Like it either goes away, like completely, or it just sounds like I'm like really muffled,

00:28:27
like I'm far away.

00:28:28
That is intense.

00:28:29
Yeah.

00:28:32
And so it feels like I am not here.

00:28:35
Even though I'm literally here, you know, it's just, it just, I don't know.

00:28:39
And it doesn't happen that often, but it just, you know, happens.

00:28:46
Is it scary when it happens?

00:28:49
Do we need to take care of?

00:28:55
I'm so sorry.

00:28:56
No, that's okay.

00:28:57
No, no, no, no.

00:28:58
There has been so much like activity happening over here and I am being like, focus, focus,

00:29:05
stay in the moment, stay with Heather.

00:29:07
This is important.

00:29:09
Yeah.

00:29:10
She's talking about something important.

00:29:11
I know exactly.

00:29:12
And this white man over here, cause my dog is a little white man.

00:29:20
Yeah.

00:29:21
Okay.

00:29:22
Two seconds.

00:29:24
I have this new method where I put a bunch of treats in a blanket and then I roll it

00:29:29
up and then I roll that up and then it takes them a long time to get through it.

00:29:33
So, okay.

00:29:34
So I'm going to do it.

00:29:35
I'm so sorry, Heather.

00:29:36
Okay.

00:29:37
No, that's okay.

00:29:38
And I'll probably forget what I talked about.

00:29:39
I will remind you.

00:29:43
Hi, apologies.

00:29:50
That was our commercial break.

00:29:52
And we are sponsored by annoying little codependent dogs.

00:29:58
Is your life full?

00:30:00
Do you want something to be sucking the life out of you?

00:30:03
Get a parasite today.

00:30:05
Okay.

00:30:07
So we were talking about your distancing that happens when you get a lot of thoughts and

00:30:15
feelings coming in, especially when you then try and use one of your tools like redirecting

00:30:21
to be in the present moment, but then judging yourself as to taking yourself out of the

00:30:26
present moment in order to use the tool to be in the present moment.

00:30:29
And then I also wanted to know, is it scary for you?

00:30:33
I just feel, it just feels like I'm feeling like nothing.

00:30:39
And so it's kind of like I'm dull, but I know what it really is.

00:30:44
It's me being overwhelmed.

00:30:45
Yes, that makes sense.

00:30:47
Yeah.

00:30:48
And so because of that, I'm trying to distance myself.

00:30:52
But the thing that I'm trying to get better at is using self-compassion rather than trying

00:31:00
to make myself present, having a bit more like throwing compassion at it and realizing

00:31:07
this is happening.

00:31:09
This is really hard for me.

00:31:11
And it sucks, but I'm going through it.

00:31:16
And just kind of acknowledging it and then putting compassion towards it rather than.

00:31:23
Because what ended up happening was after class was over, I was going through an influx

00:31:27
of combating doing compulsions and not doing compulsions.

00:31:33
And they would just start up throughout the entire day.

00:31:35
I think it lasted for days, honestly, on and off and for hours on days.

00:31:41
It's not like 24 hours of doing compulsions.

00:31:44
That would be insanity for me because I've never done that before that I'm aware of.

00:31:50
But the things that I am aware of, I find myself catching myself doing a compulsion

00:31:57
and I'm just like, whoa.

00:31:58
But the weird thing is when I do compulsions, they feel, and I don't know if this is true

00:32:03
for you, and I don't know if it's because I've had OCD undiagnosed for so long in my

00:32:10
life that I've found ways around things.

00:32:13
So for me with compulsions, at least in the past, I wouldn't know they're happening.

00:32:19
Yeah, certainly my mental compulsions are like that.

00:32:23
I do little things like that aren't necessarily mental, but that seem repetitive outside of,

00:32:30
and I'm not even aware that I'm doing it.

00:32:33
And then that's when I'm like, oh, how long have I been doing this?

00:32:37
And then I'm acknowledging it.

00:32:39
And so now I'm getting better at it where I'm starting to notice them more closer to

00:32:45
the beginning rather than not knowing for like an hour.

00:32:50
And then it always feels like what happened at time.

00:32:53
Like literally like what just happened.

00:32:56
It's like waking up from some weird zoning out state where I'm not realizing I'm doing

00:33:01
something.

00:33:02
And then it's like, oh, this is weird.

00:33:06
It's just interesting.

00:33:07
It just brought up to me like I was talking to somebody recently about the judgment and

00:33:14
critical voice and they were like, oh, well, I just, you know, I don't talk to myself like

00:33:20
that, like in a judgmental way.

00:33:22
Or I don't, and this is, you know, how I took their words, but it was like, oh, just don't

00:33:28
do that.

00:33:29
Just don't be critical to your...

00:33:31
Yeah, that's the hard part.

00:33:37
I mean, it is, I mean, people mean well, and I think we mentioned this in another one in

00:33:42
another podcast, but people mean well.

00:33:45
Yes, absolutely.

00:33:47
But if they don't have OCD, everybody has obsessive and compulsive stuff, but it's not

00:33:54
a disorder unless it interferes with your daily function.

00:33:58
Yeah.

00:33:59
And so it's like, okay, I can see how for some people it'll be like, oh, that was a

00:34:05
critical thought I just had.

00:34:06
Well, I'm not going to do that anymore.

00:34:08
I'm just going to think rainbows and sunshine and boy, howdy, I'm great.

00:34:12
And I'm like, God bless, you know, wish I could.

00:34:16
Right?

00:34:17
Yeah.

00:34:18
And yeah.

00:34:19
And that's, you know, like how, I mean, you talk to anybody with a disorder, with any

00:34:24
disorder, I mean, and then try to correct them with somebody who doesn't have the disorder.

00:34:29
There's so many self help books that I'm sure that helps a lot of people, but they don't

00:34:34
necessarily help.

00:34:35
No, I mean, and it's also it's a bit like you and I have talked about, like the years

00:34:38
of talk therapy that we went through that was so well meaning and the therapists were

00:34:45
just lovely human beings.

00:34:47
But holy shit, does it not help?

00:34:52
You know what I mean?

00:34:53
Like I have probably 15, 20 years, you know, since I was a kid of like talk therapy.

00:35:00
And then as soon as I got the OCD diagnosis and a good OCD therapist, there'd be like,

00:35:06
stop talking.

00:35:07
It doesn't matter, you know, what the origin of this particular thought is.

00:35:12
The point is, let's stop having the thought.

00:35:17
And, and it's I don't know if we've talked about the pink elephant.

00:35:22
It's pretty famous.

00:35:23
You tell somebody don't think about a pink elephant and it's all they can think about,

00:35:27
right?

00:35:28
Yes.

00:35:29
And it's the same way with an intrusive thought or compulsion.

00:35:32
If you tell somebody just don't do that, well, that's very well meaning, but that's not it.

00:35:37
For me, I need an active solution, right?

00:35:41
My active solution is refocus on my valued activity.

00:35:46
What was I doing before OCD told me to pile those pennies in groups of threes, right?

00:35:51
Yeah.

00:35:52
Yeah, exactly.

00:35:53
And then why you had to keep doing it.

00:35:55
Exactly.

00:35:56
And it's like, just let go of that and keep focusing on, you know, writing the great American

00:36:03
novel, which I am decidedly not doing.

00:36:07
But you know, what is it for you?

00:36:09
Is it like a, an active thing?

00:36:12
Is it just the acknowledgement that it's happening and then you can start to use other tools?

00:36:19
What works for you?

00:36:21
I mean, it depends because some parts of it is fraught with other kinds of emotions and,

00:36:30
but it depends on the situation.

00:36:31
For a typical OCD episode, it is acknowledging that I had a thought, like an intrusive thought,

00:36:41
and also acknowledging that I felt the need for compulsion.

00:36:46
If I end up going to a compulsion, I try to become more mindful of what I'm doing.

00:36:53
But in the situation, if it's a little bit harder, because that's like, that's like easy

00:36:57
stuff when it's like, there, there aren't a lot of high stakes in the situation, you

00:37:02
know, catching this, what I would call the easier OCD episode, you know, like, you know,

00:37:08
that's like the easy one.

00:37:09
But the harder ones, like when you're having something in the middle of class or in front

00:37:15
of people is a little bit harder.

00:37:18
And this is really hard for me is going to self compassion, staying present, but then

00:37:23
also being compassionate that, you know, I'm trying my best.

00:37:26
I don't know if that answered your question, but you try to find an answer to cure something,

00:37:32
you know, when you're like, sir, it's like, how do I get rid of this bad feeling?

00:37:35
But you realize the real way, like, to get, you know, through it is actually through it.

00:37:42
Yes.

00:37:43
You know, and sometimes with OCD, you're like, in my in my own personal mind, in my own personal

00:37:50
version, I'm trying to go around things.

00:37:53
Yeah.

00:37:54
Instead of through them.

00:37:57
And I'm learning, not saying that it's all in here in my head fully.

00:38:04
I'm learning that going through it works faster.

00:38:09
Yeah.

00:38:10
And trying to go around them.

00:38:14
So, yeah.

00:38:15
Yeah.

00:38:16
All of that was so real.

00:38:21
So much of that, I think also works for me.

00:38:25
So if you don't have OCD, then I don't have OCD.

00:38:32
We're just two people complaining about nothing.

00:38:36
Yeah.

00:38:37
Everybody has a bajillion thoughts and compulsions and makes our day to day life difficult because

00:38:43
they're piling pennies, which I've never done.

00:38:47
But three is definitely one of my go to numbers.

00:38:50
So yeah, OK, I feel like this is a very long episode so far.

00:38:58
Do we want to talk about stuff we want to work on for the next couple of weeks or?

00:39:03
Oh, yeah.

00:39:04
I was going to mention the things that I worked on.

00:39:07
We're out of time.

00:39:09
Well, did you go through your list yet of all the things that you worked on?

00:39:14
Yes.

00:39:15
OK, great.

00:39:16
Maybe I'll just go through them pretty quickly because it's big stuff.

00:39:20
You don't have to.

00:39:21
You do it at whatever time speed you want.

00:39:24
OK.

00:39:25
In the month of January, I participated in Scriptapalooza.

00:39:32
Or no, wait a second.

00:39:33
No, I just made that up.

00:39:34
Pilotpalooza through script anatomy.

00:39:37
Sorry.

00:39:38
Maybe that sounded more catchy.

00:39:39
It did sound more catchy.

00:39:40
I think you should give them the note.

00:39:43
So Pilotpalooza is a 30 day program that you basically write an entire pilot first episode.

00:39:51
And that's both a drama or a 30 minute sitcom.

00:39:57
I chose 30 minutes sitcom because one, less pages, two, I like comedy.

00:40:02
So I'm going to go that direction.

00:40:04
I would equate it to, oh, well, I think it's similar-ish to NaNoWriMo, which if not everybody

00:40:11
knows what that is, it's National Novel Writing Month that happens in November.

00:40:15
And you basically write an entire novel, which is 50 words in a month.

00:40:22
And I've done it before.

00:40:23
Very impressive.

00:40:24
I've actually done NaNoWriMo.

00:40:25
It was insanity.

00:40:27
But the way that I use NaNoWriMo is to get faster at writing and be able to do that.

00:40:35
And it actually did help.

00:40:36
So I would highly advise, even if you don't have a structure, just writing a random story,

00:40:41
which is what I did.

00:40:43
Every day was a different part of the story that made no sense afterwards, but it was

00:40:48
a great way of being able to put words down on paper.

00:40:52
That Palooza, I would highly suggest for those who have written pilots before and are maybe

00:40:58
looking, I'm not talking like experts.

00:41:02
I'm talking like someone who's a little green or maybe emerging, looking to write a pilot

00:41:09
that you may have already an idea of, because I would come into it with a little bit of

00:41:12
an idea.

00:41:15
And it brings a structure to your own writing, because for me, writing scripts, it can be

00:41:24
kind of all over the place because I'm trying to make it perfect.

00:41:32
And I think having a structure where you're forced to writing something and learning something

00:41:37
in, I would say, baby steps was a great way to get something out of your own writing.

00:41:45
Did I make it at the end with a pilot?

00:41:49
No.

00:41:51
But I did make very good strides on an idea I had about a couple of years ago.

00:42:01
And really got me thinking about character and other things.

00:42:04
But when I got to the outline, I realized I needed something different in the way that

00:42:12
I structured the idea of the character and how the character started.

00:42:18
So it made me go backwards a little bit, which is fine, because it's an iterative process.

00:42:24
But it did get me a lot further than I had been when I came up with the idea a couple

00:42:30
of years ago.

00:42:31
So I would highly advise it.

00:42:36
And just be kind to yourself if you make it or you don't.

00:42:40
Because that's another thing, is that, oh, shit, I'm really far behind.

00:42:46
But then when I let go of that feeling of I'm so far behind, I just realized this is

00:42:52
benefiting me.

00:42:53
And then maybe next time I can come at it with a different perspective.

00:42:59
Another thing that I did yesterday that gave me a lot of exposure was I finished a human

00:43:10
humor piece that I wrote.

00:43:14
I think I started writing it in November.

00:43:17
And then I kind of wrote it for class in December and then just kind of left it alone for a

00:43:21
little while.

00:43:23
And all I needed to do was just finish, like refine a few sentences and rearrange a few

00:43:30
parts.

00:43:31
And that was all I had left.

00:43:32
And so I challenged myself in two days to finish and submit.

00:43:40
And I submitted it.

00:43:45
So this will either be my first rejection of 2024 or my first something being published.

00:43:55
Awesome, by 2024 and ever.

00:43:59
So I'm excited and scared.

00:44:02
And submitting it was challenging because I also like to reread emails a lot.

00:44:16
And submitting it and sitting with the idea of it being out and out of my control was

00:44:22
fascinating.

00:44:24
And so I was able to give myself a little bit of exposure, which was kind of nice.

00:44:30
Cool.

00:44:31
I mean, nice, nice in the sense of progress to my OCD therapies, not nice feeling to me.

00:44:41
Gotcha.

00:44:43
Well, I'm proud of you.

00:44:48
Thank you.

00:44:49
Mazel tov.

00:44:50
Yeah.

00:44:51
Especially in the business.

00:44:53
Yeah.

00:44:54
So what are you going to work on?

00:44:58
That's a great question.

00:44:59
So I think my very boring but true answer is I am going to focus most of my energies on

00:45:08
getting a job.

00:45:09
Oh, I know.

00:45:11
It's not a comedy job, but just a day job that pays bills because I love being a tutor.

00:45:22
I'm really effing good at it.

00:45:25
And I help a lot of people, but there's no guaranteed hours.

00:45:33
It goes from like noon to 9 p.m. at night.

00:45:37
It's yeah.

00:45:39
And it can be extremely frustrating and also really rewarding.

00:45:44
I have a kid who has like extreme OCD.

00:45:47
And so it's interesting trying to pace a tutoring session with somebody who can't even talk

00:45:55
because I can see like all the intrusive thoughts that are happening with them.

00:46:00
But we're making a ton of progress.

00:46:03
But anyway, it doesn't matter.

00:46:04
The point is I don't want to be in education anymore.

00:46:09
And a neighbor of mine offered to help me get a job working for the state.

00:46:13
In what capacity?

00:46:14
I don't know.

00:46:15
I don't care.

00:46:16
I'm like, great.

00:46:19
Nine to five, you say.

00:46:20
And I don't have to think about it afterwards.

00:46:23
So I know it's going to be a lengthy process, but I am excited to do it because then I can

00:46:31
devote my actual time outside of work to comedy.

00:46:37
I can go and do open mic nights because I'm not working until nine or 10 p.m. at night.

00:46:42
I can take classes.

00:46:45
I can go visit people.

00:46:48
I can, you know, there's just like so much more I could do if I had a steady paycheck

00:46:53
and steady hours.

00:46:55
And I have been looking for a new job for two, three years at this point.

00:47:05
And it is such a pain.

00:47:08
So instead of half-assing multiple things, I am going to whole ass getting myself a job

00:47:14
to quote Ron Swanson.

00:47:16
What about you, Heather?

00:47:17
What are you up to this week?

00:47:18
Oh, what am I working on this week?

00:47:22
I think I was just so stressed out about Pilot Palooza and getting my humor piece out.

00:47:28
I was just like, now I'm like, basking in the glory a little bit.

00:47:33
That's good.

00:47:34
Yeah.

00:47:35
But I think I'm going to rewrite or finish a piece that I humor piece that I already

00:47:43
wrote a few years back that I thought was really funny that needs to like maybe show

00:47:52
up somewhere.

00:47:53
And so I was going to work on that.

00:47:56
I do want to work on a story rather than just working on humor.

00:48:01
And so that's kind of whatever that is, is whatever it's going to be.

00:48:05
I'm going to let it open.

00:48:06
I'm going to leave it open.

00:48:07
Cool.

00:48:08
So I don't feel good about leaving it open.

00:48:11
I feel like I should commit something.

00:48:13
Well, it sounds like you are doing something imperfectly.

00:48:17
Yeah, I'm being imperfect.

00:48:20
Which is cool.

00:48:21
Yeah, there we go.

00:48:22
You get to sit with the uncertainty.

00:48:24
And who doesn't love that?

00:48:27
Also, kind of an announcement.

00:48:30
We are going to have our very first interview on the pod with a buddy of ours who is like

00:48:38
a stand up comic, a writer, a brilliant performer, also has a day job, which I'm like, what?

00:48:49
And most importantly, OCD.

00:48:53
So yeah, I can't wait.

00:48:57
This could be really exciting.

00:49:00
So you get to hear another voice other than ours.

00:49:03
And also representing a type of OCD that neither one of us have.

00:49:10
Which is good because we've poohed it in the past, apparently.

00:49:14
We have?

00:49:15
I don't know.

00:49:16
That was like the general.

00:49:19
I think I made some glib comments about.

00:49:22
Oh, so she's going to attack you.

00:49:26
She's going to eviscerate me and we're going to put it on YouTube.

00:49:30
No, I'm just kidding.

00:49:33
No video version.

00:49:34
It's just going to be audio, but it's going to be amazing.

00:49:37
So I'm really excited.

00:49:38
It will be amazing.

00:49:39
Yeah.

00:49:40
Well, that's yeah.

00:49:41
Well, it sounds like we're doing things.

00:49:46
We're we're doing things and we're going to be done.

00:49:49
That's right.

00:49:50
OCD cured one month from today.

00:49:52
That would be great.

00:49:57
Yes, it would be.

00:50:02
Yeah and at this point, I'd like to like to thank our sponsor OCD in a can.

00:50:08
You don't have it, but you want to try it for sips free and then your life is very examined.

00:50:16
Yes.

00:50:18
Okay, everyone, that's the end of our podcast.

00:50:24
Good next time.

00:50:27
All right.

00:50:29
Bye bye.

00:50:30
Okay.

00:50:31
Bye everyone.

00:50:33
Welcome to the end of the show.

00:50:35
This is Gabbie Blachman and this is Heather Nye.

00:50:38
Thank you for listening to Comically Exposed.

00:50:40
We are just a little show with two creators who edit and produce each episode.

00:50:46
We appreciate all your support.

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If you like what you heard, please follow us on Instagram at Comically Exp.

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Podcast.

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That's C-O-M-I-C-A-L-L-Y-E-X-P dot podcast.

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Or subscribe to us on Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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New episodes drop every other Wednesday.

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Also special thanks to Track Club and Gxldxn Fxnch for providing the music.

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Thanks for listening.

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Okay, everybody, today is a great day to expose yourself.

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Okay, until next time.

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Ta-da for ta-da.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.