Episode 11

Transcript:

00:00:00
Hello, everyone. Welcome to Comically Exposed, episode 11. I am Heather, and my co-host is...

00:00:16
Gabbie, who couldn't wait to get on the microphone.

00:00:23
And we're back.

00:00:25
We sure are. So you're welcome, I think is what you meant to say. Yeah.

00:00:32
Now that I just keep stepping on your toes, but for the avid listener, and we know there are

00:00:37
dozens of you, we said last week that we had an interview coming up and or last episode, and we do.

00:00:45
It's just taking a little bit of technical finesse because the joys of international recording have

00:00:56
come to roost, mixed metaphors. And Heather being our intrepid everything is having to

00:01:05
square a few circles. That another good metaphor to toss in?

00:01:10
Sure.

00:01:11
Yeah, no, it just it got complicated. It went beyond my knowledge base. They figured it out

00:01:18
now. And now we're going to have an interview. So yeah, episode 12 coming up next will be a gay.

00:01:24
Yeah. And it's awesome. The interview went really, really well. It's too bad that like,

00:01:30
we can't just use the raw footage because of all the technicalities stuff. But it was a really

00:01:36
informative interview and hilarious. And I definitely I'm not going to say that I didn't

00:01:41
have empathy for contamination OCD before. I definitely did. But it's really interesting

00:01:49
to hear other people's flavors of OCD and how it's affect them and where they think it originated

00:01:56
from and all that stuff. So. Yeah, yeah. It was a fun interview and again, it's hilarious. So hopefully

00:02:04
I can't wait for you guys to listen to it. Yeah. So, Gabbie, so what do you have any updates for us?

00:02:14
Oh, boy, I do. Some of the updates are about the job search, still doing it, really getting into

00:02:25
having a gentle grasp as to jobs that I am going to apply to. So like, you know, maybe I apply to

00:02:34
jobs in Sacramento, maybe I apply to jobs in LA, maybe I apply to jobs, you know, in the Bay Area,

00:02:39
whatever. I'm being kind of curious, right? Yeah. And in talking to my OCD therapist this past week,

00:02:49
he reiterated that it is the employer's job to decide whether or not I'm qualified.

00:02:54
Like me deciding whether or not I'm qualified for a job, I'm always going to say that I'm not

00:03:00
qualified. Do you know what I mean? Like that is just my fallback position, which might be why it's

00:03:05
so hard for me to get another job. And he's like, that's not like you need to apply. And then

00:03:11
somebody else gets to say, oh, we love you. Please come work for us. Or, oh, you have no skills here,

00:03:18
but we want to hire you or you have no skills here and we don't want to hire you.

00:03:23
You know, whatever. So that's happening. The application for these state jobs is, oh,

00:03:34
it's just so much. It's so much of like, okay, fill out this, you know, basic application form

00:03:41
and then fill out your resume, but then also fill out this other form that shows your experience

00:03:48
level, but then also write us a letter about projects that you've done. But all of them

00:03:54
require like different formats and different websites to, you know, look at. So anyway,

00:04:02
trying to be very gentle with the whole dang process. But my homework, you know, for my ADHD

00:04:12
therapist was to come up with five different jobs that I would like to possibly have.

00:04:17
And I've come up with those. So that's cool. So, yeah.

00:04:22
Yeah. Wow. So you're getting used to going back a little bit, the bureaucracy of trying to apply

00:04:29
for a government job. Yeah. Being cool with it.

00:04:34
Yeah. Fascinating process. So then, and you also mentioned earlier and you kind of like hopped over

00:04:43
it a little bit, which is fine. When you're talking about curiosity, becoming more curious

00:04:50
about jobs and then also allowing the employer to select you, would you like to expand upon that

00:04:58
kind of idea of like, because I'm circling the drain of rejection. Yes, you are. Yes. Because

00:05:07
in the past, perhaps now as well, I would love to control the outcome of everything. And that's the

00:05:13
OCD aspect, which I think you're nudging at. Yes. And the pain of rejection, OCD promises that I

00:05:22
wouldn't have to go through rejection if I just followed the OCD playbook, right? And never mind

00:05:31
that the OCD playbook is, touch that pine cone over there, do these mental compulsions,

00:05:39
all very normal stuff. Yeah. So I can somehow make it, I don't know, I guess I think I'm talking in

00:05:46
circles right now. So I can control the outcome. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's about control. I mean,

00:05:51
that's what OCD wants to do, right? Is to control uncertainty. Yes. And so make it certain. And the

00:06:00
only way that we could make it certain is to be sure about something. And that's actually not life.

00:06:08
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Or avoid it all together. Exactly, which is my favorite compulsion.

00:06:14
And so with job stuff, that's usually my compulsion is like, well, I can't, I don't...

00:06:21
Like I can't figure... If you don't apply, they can't reject you. Exactly. And also the perfectionism

00:06:27
comes in as well, which is, let me make this application so perfect that they won't reject me.

00:06:33
Let me do all this extra research into the company, into the job position, into like looking at glass

00:06:41
door and comparable salaries, and then doing all this extra research, which would be fine if I was

00:06:48
somebody who was in a field that I wanted to continue in, was looking at like just a set amount

00:06:55
of jobs already in this field, but instead I'm casting a very wide net because what I really know

00:07:01
is I don't want to be in education anymore. All of that, if I did the same level of research

00:07:09
into each one of those positions, you know, it is... The internet exists, the internet is the

00:07:16
internet exists. So it is a never ending rabbit hole and I will never feel that just right feeling.

00:07:22
My application will never be perfect. And so instead I will do three quarters, 95% of an

00:07:30
application and then just not send it in, not get it in by the deadline, whatever it is so that I,

00:07:37
you know, maybe it's self-sabotage in other circles, but in OCD, it's avoidance. Yeah.

00:07:43
It's like very simply avoidance. And I feel you on that one because I do that one too.

00:07:51
Yeah. And it's a shame because it's like the amount of work that I've put into the application

00:07:57
and not turned it in. I think if the employer knew that amount, they would be like, oh shit,

00:08:04
like this is a very hard worker. This is somebody who would be great, you know, maybe not for this

00:08:08
position, but for something else. But I don't... Also the application process, you really have to be

00:08:16
a salesman of yourself. And I hate that. And I know a lot of people hate doing that. And I've

00:08:23
tried to kind of farm it out. You know, I've tried to work with career counselors and it's,

00:08:27
maybe I just haven't found the right one, but it has not really been helpful.

00:08:32
Oh, and the whole point of me getting this job is so I can do comedy, you know, like I was just

00:08:41
talking to a friend of mine who was like, Hey, there's this open mic night and they do comedy

00:08:48
and music. That's it. You know, what time do you get off of work on Tuesdays? And I'm like,

00:08:53
technically 8 PM, but really if I do all of my paperwork, like 9 30 PM and the show starts at

00:09:00
7 30 and the sign up is 6 PM. So, you know, and that's true for like most open mic nights. So if

00:09:07
I really want to make a play at standup comedy, I need a job that's nine to five or part time or

00:09:14
whatever the hell it is, but not this job. The curiosity mindset also comes into play because

00:09:20
the other methodologies are white knuckling, which I'm sure comes up with other things besides OCD,

00:09:25
but for OCD, it is your anxiety raises. You're basically just this side of a panic

00:09:34
and you are pushing yourself through an experience or whatever it is, but you're white knuckling. So

00:09:44
you're not really present. You're not really there, I guess. I don't know. Do you have thoughts on

00:09:51
white knuckling? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think you were right. And when you said you're not present,

00:09:58
because if anything, when I'm in that mode, I'm not very nice to myself. Oh yeah. Yeah. You know,

00:10:07
I'm just like being extremely critical, like self-critical about, you know, why don't you just

00:10:12
do this? Just do it, you know, and just kind of yelling at yourself, which, you know, is not a

00:10:18
great motivator if somebody else is doing it to you. It turns out not a great motivator if you do

00:10:25
it to yourself. Exactly. Exactly. And anything that we've learned in therapy is being mindful.

00:10:33
And then also, you know, I think we say this a lot, but self-compassion comes in to play a lot,

00:10:40
you know, to kind of remind yourself that you're human. Yes. Which is a weird thing to say out loud,

00:10:47
but it's very true. Oh, God, is it ever. And yeah. Yeah. And I'm glad you noticed that too,

00:10:57
like, you know, yeah, that you were in that mode. Even when you're in that mode,

00:11:01
it's just acknowledging it. It's just like... Is the first step. Exactly. To kind of like dismantling

00:11:07
it to getting back to, oh, what do I want to choose to do in this moment or to how to handle

00:11:13
this moment. And I also think that curiosity is a better way of saying it than, you know, we've

00:11:20
talked about CBT and I had a CBT therapist that didn't work out for me because if you have intrusive

00:11:27
thoughts and cognitive behavioral therapy, that's CBT, they say write down all of the intrusive

00:11:33
thoughts and then write down like counter arguments to like the negative ones. But I'm like, I will

00:11:38
never stop doing this exercise because it will just bring up more thoughts and then I'll have to

00:11:44
counter balance those thoughts. And then those counterbalances, I have counter counterbalance

00:11:50
thoughts that come up. Like it's a never ending whirlpool. And the CBT therapist was not really

00:11:57
on board. And I was like, oh, you don't work with OCD people, do you? Anyway, the whole point of that

00:12:03
is to say the other piece of psychology, which you and I talked about on the last podcast, is the

00:12:09
like positive psychology, the whole like, well, just think happy thoughts and then you'll be a

00:12:16
happy person. And it's like, yeah, if it was that easy, I'd be doing it. Do you know what I mean?

00:12:25
Yeah. Yeah. For me, it's more like I would actually feel things because a lot of the,

00:12:31
a lot of my issues before I went to my current psychiatrist was that I felt like I couldn't feel

00:12:39
my emotions. Right. And so when people were saying like, just put a positive spin on it. And then I'm

00:12:44
like, you're like on what? I can't feel anything. I know it's like, and so, you know, of course,

00:12:49
that brings up other things with OCD is like, you know, am I a sociopath or whatever, you know, and

00:12:54
so I totally had those thoughts. Yeah. It's like, where you take those like polls or not polls,

00:13:03
but the quizzes. Yeah. Oh my God. Online quizzes. Yes. Oh my God. Those are so horrible.

00:13:13
Truly. But that's the thing is like, so instead of, and also the like, have a grateful mindset,

00:13:20
you know what I mean? Or even the whole like mindfulness, which I think originally

00:13:27
was about something very specific, but has been kind of used in a sort of pop psychology,

00:13:33
you know, Instagram, TikToki way to describe like some nonsense as well. The, the curiosity mindset,

00:13:41
I like a lot more. It resonates with me because it's like, you know, when people, okay, when people

00:13:47
talk about being a kid and like, Oh, you know, have, have like a child's mindset and whatever

00:13:55
else and the innocence of a child and the naivete. And I'm like, innocence and naivete are not

00:14:01
cool things. Truly. They're not things that are going to help you survive in this life.

00:14:07
And they're really not things that should be valued because it kind of devalues actual experience.

00:14:14
And I don't know. Anyway, it doesn't matter. The whole point is the thing that is cool about being

00:14:20
a kid is being curious about everything. And it's actually, to me, it's more of a balanced way to

00:14:28
look at the world. It's like, I'm not looking at it thinking, well, the worst will happen. And I'm

00:14:34
not looking at it thinking, well, the best will happen. I'm looking at it and going, Oh, I wonder

00:14:39
what will happen. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I think, yeah, curiosity. And then that's, that's the level

00:14:48
where I have to check myself if I'm doing research on a topic, because sometimes I don't catch my

00:14:54
compulsions as well. And, and since, you know, we're both problem solvers, sometimes they could

00:15:04
feel the same at first. And, and when I pull myself back and I ask myself a question, am I,

00:15:11
am I asking myself open-ended questions? Is it like more curiosity or am I trying to control

00:15:17
something? Yes. You know, and, and then you start to see the distinction between the two. Or the

00:15:23
other thing is control could also look like, is this just right? Like, am I going towards something,

00:15:28
you know, and searching for something as if this is the right answer versus just being a little bit

00:15:35
more open about what's happening and, and allowing whatever the answer to be the answer or not an

00:15:43
answer. Be open to the idea of not getting an answer. Exactly. Yeah. It's powerful. Yeah. And

00:15:50
it always, like when I was a kid and I was like, I'm going to grow up and be a scientist, it was

00:15:54
mostly because, you know, once I heard about scientists and like the scientific method,

00:15:59
it was like, you start off with a hypothesis, but then you observe shit or you do an experiment

00:16:06
and then you're like, Oh, what actually happened? Right. It's like, I thought that maybe lemurs

00:16:13
could talk. Right. But then I've, you know, watched a bunch of lemur videos, nobody's talking. And so,

00:16:20
you know, my conclusion is, yeah, I don't think lemurs can talk, but it's just that like,

00:16:26
like having a question, but not having the question be a leading question, not having,

00:16:30
like you said, needing to control the outcome. And so with the state job, it's like,

00:16:36
maybe I'll move to Sacramento, which is interesting because I grew up in Davis and I have a deep

00:16:43
loathing of the central Valley because that's where I grew up. And it was mostly like the junior high

00:16:48
and high school years were spent there. So the best years. And so it was like, you know, when I

00:16:54
graduated high school, I was like, I'm never fucking coming back to this place ever again.

00:16:58
You know, and my family moved away from there. So it was like, yeah, I'm never going back to central

00:17:02
Valley. And I'm like, you know what? Sacramento actually has a better, it's more affordable than

00:17:09
the Bay area. Of course, like pretty much any place in the world is more affordable than the stupid Bay

00:17:14
area at this point, but the affordability factor means artists can afford to live there, which

00:17:20
means there will be a more thriving comedy scene, which means, you know, and potentially I'll be

00:17:27
able to like live in a semi-decent house or apartment or just any sort of living situation

00:17:34
instead of, you know, potentially renting a $3 room here. And you know, there's black molds and

00:17:43
all four corners and you have 10 roommates. Yes, exactly. The thing is they're all named Henry.

00:17:51
And it's weird. It's weird because they won't go by like, oh, that's Henry. Hey, that's Henry. Pete.

00:17:56
No, no, they only go by Henry. No, Hanks. It's just Henry. Everybody turns around. And it's like,

00:18:03
then I'll say Henry's the one who ate the peanut butter. And I'm like, God, but I don't know which

00:18:08
Henry anyway, my life is hard. Yeah. So having a curiosity mindset about a job search is very

00:18:16
beneficial. Even in just looking at job postings. It's like, oh, maybe. Cool. Do you feel like

00:18:24
there's more possibilities? Yes. Oh my God. A thousand percent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And

00:18:30
it's kind of like looking at life and this as more of an adventure, which when I felt like my

00:18:37
mentals have been in a healthier position, that was kind of my outlook on life. You know? Yeah.

00:18:43
Yeah. And this also goes into making choices, which is very difficult for me because

00:18:50
with that just right OCD, you want to make the right choice and the right choice is whatever

00:18:55
feels right. And so to do that, you may need to research or you may need to, you know, game out

00:19:02
in your head. Well, what if I choose left? Well, what if I choose right? Well, if I think about all

00:19:06
the possibilities, then I'll make the right choice. And it's like, oh, for the love of Pete,

00:19:10
now you've been in your head for three hours and no decision has been made, you know? So anyway,

00:19:17
that's how I'm feeling. How about you, my friend? What's been going on these past couple of weeks?

00:19:25
Didn't get as much done as I thought I would for writing. I was going to work on short humor and

00:19:30
then be a little bit more open ended with writing my pilot script. But life happens. And then also,

00:19:38
I got caught up in trying to fix the last interview of the podcast, which I learned a lot

00:19:45
on how to fix. It's funny. I'm learning a lot about audio, so I'm not going to discredit

00:19:51
that I didn't work on anything. It's just it's still a feeling that's uncomfortable.

00:19:57
Hmm. You know, that I just didn't do it, get it done. And you could have just done that. You had

00:20:03
time. And in reality, if I really looked at the last two weeks, I'm like, I had a lot going on.

00:20:10
It's just not a lot of writing time, which happens sometimes. Sometimes I get so much writing time,

00:20:18
and I feel like I didn't get enough done. And so it's just kind of sitting with that discomfort

00:20:25
and realizing, yeah, you know, I'm getting our podcast done. And that's that's OK.

00:20:32
I would say more than OK. And that's not just because we're currently on the podcast.

00:20:38
But I deeply appreciate it. And it is I know that you say that it's interesting work to you,

00:20:44
but it is also so much work that you put into it that I I'm really thankful for.

00:20:51
No. Well, thank you. I find it interesting because it's something I've never done before

00:20:57
in terms of audio work. I'm still very much a novice. You know, if I have to fix something,

00:21:03
it's a lot of YouTube, a lot of YouTube videos of people telling me how to fix things. And,

00:21:10
you know, sometimes they work and sometimes I'm like, that's stupid. I'm not doing that.

00:21:16
I think that's the modern way to do things. You know, I mean, at one point, you didn't know how

00:21:20
to do something. You'd go get the manual from the library or purchase it at a bookstore. But

00:21:25
now it's YouTube videos. I know. Yeah.

00:21:31
Yeah. And I think it's kind of fun. I mean, the podcast stuff is fun. I mean,

00:21:36
talking about the podcast on the podcast is whatever it is. But I know, I know, I know.

00:21:41
Get over it, Heather. Anyway. But I think it is a fascinating process because I'm getting

00:21:48
better and faster at cutting and editing our podcast. But every now and then I run into some

00:21:54
technical difficulties and it kind of, I don't know, broadens my knowledge base of audio stuff.

00:22:00
And so didn't realize I would be into it. So that's kind of, I don't know, I think it's kind of

00:22:07
cool. I think it's very cool. Mostly I feel very lucky that you think it's cool. You make the podcast

00:22:17
sound amazing and then it's interesting to you. So that seems like a double yay. Yeah, I guess.

00:22:23
Yeah. I'm like trying to figure out how do I respond to this? I don't know. It's positive.

00:22:30
That's my clever way. Yeah, because I can only hear positive

00:22:35
because that's my mental state and I need everyone around me to be positive.

00:22:40
And I need you to be positive when I'm not around you.

00:22:43
Uh huh. Yeah. Toxic positivity. It affects the structure of water,

00:22:49
Heather. Yes. And you drink it and then it becomes you. So.

00:22:58
Okay. So we're done with the conspiracy segment. But

00:23:06
so, um, Gabbie, what are you going to work on in the next two weeks? Well, actually there's some

00:23:11
other things that came up this week that I wanted to quickly talk about. One of them is I went to an

00:23:16
eye doctor recently and, you know, when you're tired or you've been driving a lot or you've been

00:23:22
reading a lot and you see double. And so you just go ahead, slap a hand over one eye so that you can

00:23:29
just see one of the words at a time. Or you're driving and it's at night and you're seeing the

00:23:38
street signs as double. And so you just drive around like a pirate with your hand covering one

00:23:47
eye so that you can just read things. I went to an eye doctor a couple of years ago and I was

00:23:52
talking about this and she was very, not only dismissive, but like almost actively angry with me

00:24:02
that I like brought it up, I guess. And she was like, like what you're describing is serious.

00:24:10
I can't even remember the vocabulary. I can only really remember like my feeling walking away from

00:24:15
this situation, which was like, that wasn't helpful. You know, she just sort of was like

00:24:21
treating me as though my concerns were just to get attention from her, I guess. I don't know. I mean,

00:24:28
this is Kaiser and the doctors are only allowed to talk to you for like 15 minutes at a time for

00:24:34
these appointments. So I went to another Kaiser doctor yesterday and the first half was great.

00:24:40
She was telling me how young my eyes are, mostly because everybody in the waiting room had like

00:24:45
beyond white hair and their hearing aids were going off like a like a Thurman, like that

00:24:52
instrument where you wave your hands next to an antenna and it goes like,

00:24:56
yeah. They didn't seem to care. They were just sitting there with their ears, just doing like

00:25:03
a full EDM set. They didn't seem to care at all. So did you bring the glow sticks? Yeah, I was just

00:25:11
like, I was adding base because it was a lot of trouble. I was just, but they're, they did a lot

00:25:20
of like not making eye contact with me. So I don't know what that's about. But when the eye doctor was

00:25:26
like, Oh my gosh, look at your eyes, you know, corneas clear retinas, stunning, you know, no

00:25:32
floaters in the eye, just gorgeous youthful eyes. And I was like, thank you continue. And then I

00:25:38
said, you know, there is this one thing. So I talked about the double vision and she was like,

00:25:43
huh, okay, let's do some tests. So we did a bunch of tests. And the fun thing is it's not double

00:25:48
vision side to side, which is like the classic double vision, you know, drunk people seeing

00:25:53
double, you know, your eyes kind of cross and you can see two of things, but it's like, again,

00:25:59
side to side. Mine is one on top of the other. And it requires something called prism lenses

00:26:10
that is like added to your prescription. And it's because my eye muscles are being weak.

00:26:17
So I didn't like that. Didn't like it at all. I was like, so are there exercises I can do? She

00:26:22
said, it doesn't work for adults. I was like, okay, cute. And then she brought up peri-metapause,

00:26:28
which I was like, can we go back to me being youthful again? Because I loved that. And she's

00:26:36
also pointed out that I apparently tip my head slightly to the left. And that is me trying to

00:26:42
line up my eyes because when the muscles are weak, what is happening is my left eye is moving

00:26:50
slightly upwards and my right eye is moving slightly downwards. And I don't mean like in my

00:26:55
face. I mean, just like independently of each other, like in the socket. Oh, wow. Yeah. So

00:27:04
I don't know. Immediately I was thinking of Marty Feldman, who is like in Young Frankenstein. He's

00:27:09
Igor. Yeah. And he's a very famous comic actor whose eyes were, I believe they call them wall

00:27:16
eyes, where one eye is going to one wall and the other eye is going to the opposite. So I guess

00:27:22
mine would be ceiling floor eyes. Yeah. The thing is, is it's making me feel very out of control.

00:27:32
And it's also bringing up a lot of past stuff about health, which is I have some actual health

00:27:41
conditions and I've had a lot of medical people not only poo poo them, but also tell me that it

00:27:49
was largely or completely in my head. And then having to do my own research and then bring it

00:27:57
back to medical professionals and then being like, Oh, okay. Yeah. No, that eyes actually,

00:28:04
like you are hypermobile. And I'm like, yeah, sure. And they're like, huh. Oh my God. And it turns

00:28:13
out hypermobility affects like all these different aspects of your body. But then, you know, the fact

00:28:19
that I was depressed, I used to have a ton of UTIs, urinary tract infections, and I was like,

00:28:26
UTIs, urinary tract infections, and no trigger warning, I guess, for the listeners at home. But

00:28:34
my urine sample, sometimes the culture would come back negative. Like there would be no bacteria

00:28:39
grown in the culture. So they would be like, you don't have a urinary tract infection. I would be

00:28:43
like, I am in so much pain right now. I swear. And I got to the point of incontinence, which meant I

00:28:51
pissed myself in public. Which is, yeah, that sucks. You really feel like you can't trust your

00:28:59
body. And so for a long time, I was wearing these gigantic pads and adult diapers when I left the

00:29:06
house as like early 30 something late 20 something. When I had mono and I was not only in denial

00:29:16
myself, but other people around me were in denial and told me I was being lazy. I once got stuck

00:29:22
five minutes away from my house. I'd gone to a coffee shop to study. I'd walked literally

00:29:26
five minutes away. I studied for a couple hours. I realized I wanted to use the bathroom. I needed

00:29:31
about 20 minutes to get up the strength to go use the bathroom in the coffee shop. Made it back,

00:29:37
decided I had done enough studying and I was going to walk back. And I walked out to the curb and

00:29:42
collapsed in exhaustion and couldn't move and had to stay there for another 20 minutes until I could

00:29:50
get it together to kind of like prop myself back up inside the coffee shop in a chair to look like

00:29:57
a normal human being and realized I was stuck. Like I was physically stuck and I was 25 years old.

00:30:03
And I had to call my roommate who was working and wait for her to get off of work a couple hours

00:30:09
later so that she could come pick me up and drive me again, a five minute walk to our house.

00:30:16
Yeah, it sucked. And so I just didn't trust my body at all. All of this is to say like,

00:30:25
I've had a lot of doctors tell me like, oh, this is just your depression. This is just your anxiety.

00:30:31
The urinary tract stuff, I went to seven different urologists until one of them told me,

00:30:35
oh, you have interstitial cystitis. But that was years of incredibly painful. Anyway,

00:30:45
being denied by medical professionals is never fun, but I'm sure a lot of people have experienced

00:30:52
that. Why did I start talking about this? Oh yeah, this stupid prison lenses. So I'm feeling kind of

00:31:01
out of control again. Like I can't trust my body. And I know it's part of growing older,

00:31:06
but it's just bringing up a lot of stuff. So OCD is really trying it with me. Oh yeah. Yeah.

00:31:12
Yeah. So yeah, that's super fun. And then on top of that, I just got out of a,

00:31:20
let's say complicated relationship.

00:31:22
Complicated relationship. And we're both not talking to each other, not for like,

00:31:34
I don't know how I want to phrase this. It's like, not because the two of us have like

00:31:41
something toxic and we just need to give each other space and you know, like blah, blah, blah.

00:31:46
But because the situation outside of our relationship is so messed, I guess you could say

00:31:55
that it's really for the best interest of both of us that we just not talk to each other. And so

00:32:03
that's fine. I said that so harshly. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's totally fine. It just

00:32:10
happened yesterday, but you know, I had no strong feeling because it's totally fine.

00:32:14
And you know, if you say it fine 20 times, it fine. So the OCD is really trying it because

00:32:23
I can't talk to this person. It's the whole, think of a, don't think of a pink elephant, right?

00:32:30
And now I can think about it as a pink elephant. And even leading up to this decision not to talk

00:32:35
to each other, I was already kind of like, oh yeah, this relationship should really be more

00:32:41
of a friendship or, you know, is not serving me in whatever ways. And so I was already trying to

00:32:50
kind of like disengage from it, but now the fact that there is like a boundary set, oh, but I want

00:32:57
to, I want to say this thing to the person or I want, I want to tell them about this other thing

00:33:01
or, you know, now I have all these questions that I want them to answer or whatever it is. And so,

00:33:06
yeah. Yeah. So you're seeking reassurance. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Seeking reassurance

00:33:14
and ruminating like a motherfucker. Just like trying to run these like catastrophic scenarios

00:33:22
and worst case scenarios and black and white thinking and all the cognitive distortions. So

00:33:30
no, I'm not going to do this and stupid OCD. Like we've done this thing before. We've done

00:33:35
the like piling pennies in groups of three. We've done the walking three steps this way,

00:33:41
two steps that way. We've done all of these stupid physical compulsions because I didn't know you were

00:33:47
OCD. And once I figured out you were OCD and I did the exposure work, we're done. Don't be bringing

00:33:52
this back. I don't like this. So yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, we can't control our OCD, you know, I mean,

00:34:03
that's the worst part of it all, right? I mean, we can have the tools to kind of manage, you know,

00:34:11
and train our brain to do different things, but we need those tools to be able to bring us back to

00:34:20
kind of moving forward, moving towards the things that we value most. And yeah, it's hard because

00:34:28
I was reading something about in terms of having OCD and I don't know the exact things because I

00:34:33
not remembering exactly what it was, but it is something inside your brain that's actually,

00:34:38
you know, and, and then knowing that through. Yeah. And so having OCD is, is, is a process that's

00:34:44
abnormal. And so knowing that is that realization that, okay, I'm living with it is that kind of

00:34:50
acceptance of moving on. But I know when you're in the thick of a bunch of situations, I mean,

00:34:55
you're dealing with physical health issues that's out of your control, that's changing, right? That's

00:35:02
scary. A relationship that you cared about ending. That's a big deal. Yeah. And searching for a new

00:35:11
job. I mean, these are all like, these are all very big things to happen all at once. And I think,

00:35:20
I think the thing that I want to say as just as your friend, not just on the podcast,

00:35:26
is that you have to just give yourself a little grace in the situation, right? And experience a

00:35:31
little bit of compassion that all of these things, I mean, just having one of these things is

00:35:37
complicated for anybody outside of OCD, outside of anything is can bring complexities to your life

00:35:44
and, and rock it out of balance, but you're handling all three of these things. Yeah. And,

00:35:50
and no judgment on whether or not it's going well or whatever, but you are the ability to be able to

00:35:57
see that these are hard for you. That's great that you can see that. Thank you. Yeah. And yeah,

00:36:05
thank you for sharing all of this. I mean, that's a lot. Yeah. And thank you for listening. I am.

00:36:14
Yeah, really. I'm really grateful I have you as a friend. Me too. Yeah. And also I am, I think the

00:36:25
OCD is, it's like what you were saying before, like the trying to keep me from rejection. I think

00:36:30
it's trying to keep me from being sad right now. Yeah. And I'm sad. You know what that happens,

00:36:36
right? If you don't feel the feeling, you can't get through it. Yeah, exactly. And it just

00:36:41
perpetuates it. Doomed to repeat. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So on that happy note, what do you want to

00:36:49
do this coming couple of weeks? So for me, I am, I'm only going to give myself one task to try to do,

00:37:01
not because I feel like that giving myself one, I'll be successful. Well, that's kind of true.

00:37:08
I think for me, I really do want to, oh, I didn't talk about a thing. I should say,

00:37:15
so I submitted my short humor piece and it was rejected. And so this is the second time that I

00:37:25
submitted a short humor piece and was rejected. And the distance between these two was about a

00:37:31
year and a half. Wow. And the first time I was rejected, it really hurt. Yeah. To the point of

00:37:38
like, I never wanted to do it again. Yeah. And almost gave up. And, but to be fair, there was a

00:37:44
lot of shit happening at that time. And so I just, you know, my dad just died and you know, all this

00:37:50
other stuff was happening. So I don't know what I was expecting beyond that. Yeah. When I got

00:37:56
rejected, it felt like, eh, you know, that, that hurt a little, you know, it's like getting rejected,

00:38:01
but it didn't feel like it deterred me. Awesome. To try to submit it somewhere else. Okay. The first

00:38:08
thing that I want to do is I'm going to submit the same piece to some people to, for review,

00:38:14
because I made some quick changes to it and I feel like I want to punch up a few jokes. And so that's

00:38:19
just what I want to do. And then the intent is within a two week time period, I was going to,

00:38:24
I'm going to resubmit it to another place and, and then hope for another rejection or, or get it

00:38:31
finally out in the open and people can read it. So, I'm kind of excited about that. Hells yeah.

00:38:37
Hells yeah. Yeah. And then I want to work on this podcast. I mean, I'm going to get episode 12 done

00:38:43
and, and out for everybody to listen to. So, um, cause I think hearing Ege and hearing another voice

00:38:50
and a very, very funny voice, um, I've been laughing as I've been editing. So, um, so very

00:38:58
happy about that and I'm excited for others to listen to it. So that's, these are the two things

00:39:04
I'm going to work on. That's fucking amazing, man. And I'm glad you, yeah, you are. I'm also really

00:39:09
glad that you talked about how it felt, uh, with the rejections with the writing and the difference.

00:39:16
Yeah. That's big, man. I know it was, it was huge. I mean, even to acknowledge that change, I was,

00:39:23
uh, you know, I don't know for me, it felt big, um, to be able to notice that difference and then

00:39:30
actually feel the sting and allowing myself to feel the sting. Because I think that's the

00:39:34
misconception of like, you know, as you were talking about positive thinking, you know, it's

00:39:38
like, Oh, just put a positive spin on it. At least for me, not being able to feel the initial pain

00:39:45
is, is, is bad thing for me. Pain is a feeling that is natural. Um, just like sadness, just like

00:39:53
anger, just like happiness, you know, they're all feelings. And so talking a little bit in my head,

00:39:58
that's a little negative, you know, a little self-criticism, criticism, but just noting it as,

00:40:03
Oh, I'm being self-critical. I mean, I was like blown away that I was like, I was able to do that.

00:40:10
Yeah. I don't know. For me, it's big. It's, it's huge. It's massive. Yeah. I mean, to be able to do

00:40:17
any acknowledgements either in the moment or shortly thereafter of this is what's happening is

00:40:24
it is such a gigantic first step. It's almost like 50 to 75% of the work.

00:40:32
I know. And it's like, you don't see the work incrementally, right? Until a moment like that

00:40:37
happens to anybody else. They're like, Oh yeah, I felt that before. And then they've moved on. But

00:40:43
in the way that our brain processes, pain and urgency and other things like that,

00:40:48
it was a huge step to be able to acknowledge even though it happened, even though things happened

00:40:53
and I wasn't judging myself in terms of about my criticism to myself, but acknowledging that the

00:41:00
sensation of feeling that sting, you know, that kind of like, Oh, you know, and, but then at the

00:41:07
same time, I don't want to keep reiterating this to me. It's just like, it's huge to me.

00:41:13
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know if we were talking about it before the podcast or whatever,

00:41:18
but it's like the only way through the feelings, through the pain, the only way to truly deal with

00:41:24
it is through it. And the OCD sends us into these little eddies. Yeah, we were talking about it.

00:41:31
It's like, it just doesn't get processed, but it's under the lie that this is how you deal with it.

00:41:37
This is the correct way to deal with it. I know how to deal with it. My name is OCD and you just

00:41:41
got to touch that pine cone or just continually ruminate on all the things that you could have

00:41:50
changed or, or whatever, or research until you find an answer that feels right. Yeah.

00:41:58
Oh, today's podcast was just a lighthearted romp.

00:42:02
Yeah, we're a comedy podcast. Let's talk comedy. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

00:42:11
Yeah. No, I'm with you. And I think I like really, as you were talking about the second rejection,

00:42:16
I was like, oh gosh, I hope she applies again, because from the outsider's perspective,

00:42:23
and I've said it before on this podcast, you were such a phenomenal writer and you were so

00:42:27
goddamn hilarious as a writer and just so talented that I'm like, oh, these stupid idiots

00:42:34
didn't jump at the chance of being the first people to publish. I had an eyepiece. I mean,

00:42:40
they're fucking lost, but on top of that, I'm just like, oh, I hope this isn't an Eddie

00:42:47
that Heather gets stuck in that she's going to ruminate over. But also I was like, curiosity

00:42:53
mindset. Why don't we just stop and listen to Heather and see where she goes with it.

00:43:00
And curiously enough, you said that you're going to reapply. I'm just so proud of you. That's dope.

00:43:05
Yeah. Yeah. I gave myself some space also to not just jump and then re-submit because I also

00:43:13
felt like I needed to feel the rejection in the moment. Yeah. And try a little bit of

00:43:20
the moment. Yeah. And try a little bit slower at things too, because I also think that there's

00:43:27
a thing that I do where I just like get it done just so I can't look at it anymore.

00:43:33
And that doesn't work to my benefit, at least right now.

00:43:37
Again, good acknowledgement.

00:43:43
Do you ever listen to Neil Brennan's podcast blocks?

00:43:46
No, but I've heard clips on Instagram.

00:43:51
Whenever somebody says a block that they actually have or whatever, there's a little ding in the

00:43:55
background. So I feel like every time we do an OCD thing or something, we should have a quack.

00:44:00
I don't know. Yeah.

00:44:03
I'm just pulling from Neil. Oh, I'm going to talk about me this week.

00:44:06
OK. These two weeks. What am I doing? It's job search season, baby. Job search season,

00:44:14
feeling all the feels, processing. Yeah, I don't think there's any comedy stuff per se, but that's

00:44:21
OK. I'm working towards building the base so I can do more comedy.

00:44:24
Yeah. You're just you're building that. I was going to say fortress. I'm like, what is the fortress?

00:44:31
It's a fortress of solitude. Nobody's getting in.

00:44:35
For comedy?

00:44:37
Comedy exists best in a vacuum. And if you don't know that already, like, I don't know,

00:44:42
I'll tell you the thing about comedy is no laughter.

00:44:48
And that's what drives me is when I was in high school, I had three career aspirations.

00:44:54
I either wanted to be a back country ranger. I wanted to be a hermit or I wanted to be a drag

00:44:59
queen. The classic three. I'm trying to find the thread that's related to all of those things.

00:45:07
And I'm like, none of those things are related at Gabbie. It's like,

00:45:11
Oh, you're looking at her.

00:45:16
Just pure nonsense. What if I just didn't think about combining them? What if I was such a back

00:45:22
country ranger, like so far in the back country that is basically a hermit. That's to dress in

00:45:29
full like gown regalia. I didn't want to be a drag king. I wanted to be a drag queen. I wanted

00:45:34
to do like heightened femininity nonsense, like, you know, the ridiculousness of the gender binary.

00:45:41
Yeah. So just out there in corsetry and high heels on the mountain, you know,

00:45:46
classic. Yeah. For yourself, by yourself.

00:45:52
Spitting jokes at the mountain goats.

00:45:56
That's right.

00:45:57
Well, this is the end of our pod.

00:46:05
Sure is. Welcome to the end of the podcast. You made it.

00:46:10
And now we're going to say goodbye.

00:46:12
Yeah. Goodbye.

00:46:17
Feel good about yourself. Goodbye.

00:46:22
Welcome to the end of the show. This is Gabbie Blachman.

00:46:25
And this is Heather Nye.

00:46:27
Thank you for listening to Comically Exposed. We are just a little show with two creators who

00:46:33
edit and produce each episode. We appreciate all your support.

00:46:37
If you like what you heard, please follow us on Instagram at comicallyexp.podcast. That's comicalyexp.podcast.

00:46:49
Or subscribe to us on Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes drop every other Wednesday.

00:46:58
Also, special thanks to Track Club and Gxldxn Fxnch for providing the music.

00:47:03
Thanks for listening. And hey, everybody, today is a great day to expose yourself.

00:47:09
Okay, until next time, ta-da for ta-da.

00:47:13
Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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Bye.