Episode 15

Transcript:

00:00:00
Hey, everybody. Welcome to Comically Exposed, the podcast where we talk about OCD and comedy

00:00:14
and breaking into comedy. And then we're just hilarious. My name is Gabbie Blachman. And

00:00:20
the other fabulous host of this podcast is Heather Nye. Perfect. This is episode 15.

00:00:28
If you haven't heard the previous 14 episodes, you're probably lost. I'm just kidding. Welcome.

00:00:34
We're going to talk about OCD and stuff today. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing different here. Nothing

00:00:42
at all. Okay. Well, I know right before this podcast, we talked about maybe changing up

00:00:51
the format for this one, just a teensy bit, which is cool. And I'm here for it. So we're

00:00:58
going to talk about stuff that we want to do with comedy. Is that the idea? Yeah. Yeah.

00:01:05
Yeah. All right. Well, fantastic. I feel like you have a list, a mental list, a post at

00:01:12
some place. What are you thinking about as far as comedy? Well, I've been actually like

00:01:18
thinking about it because I feel like I try a little bit of everything and there's nothing

00:01:23
wrong with trying a little bit of everything. But knowing me and knowing my diagnosis, I

00:01:32
know that that can lead to not doing anything. Not to judge myself because doing this is

00:01:39
hard enough. Doing it with OCD is chef kiss of a situation. But things that I really want

00:01:50
to do that's really important to me is getting stuff out there. And I know that part of this

00:01:56
podcast as part of that is to kind of expose ourselves to doing that. But I also want,

00:02:00
I feel the need to create something more fictional. And so something I really want to try to do

00:02:08
is put something out there, whatever format, I don't know, fictionalized comedy series.

00:02:14
Because that's what I want to do. I love TV. I love sitcoms. I love all things comedy.

00:02:25
And that is just kind of my perspective. And actually, I should preface this. This is because

00:02:32
the change in format is because I've been working on a lot of value-based thinking with

00:02:38
my ACT class. And part of the thinking is trying to work towards something that I value.

00:02:46
And part of that is the creative work that I do. And so right now, because I feel a little

00:02:52
bit more open to creating something, I really want to create something. Either a fictional

00:03:00
podcast series or something to be able to put it out there into the world and have people

00:03:06
enjoy it, not just in my head. Yes. How about you, Gabbie? Oh, we're just going to skip right

00:03:16
to the end. We can go back and forth. Okay, okay, okay, okay. A little volleyball. Great.

00:03:21
Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm just really excited by the prospect of doing that. The fact that

00:03:27
you're excited to do something creative has just really gotten me kind of excited about

00:03:31
it too, because as people know, I'm really deep into the job search nonsense, which I

00:03:38
had kind of a breakthrough because, thank God, my sister, she suggested, because I'm

00:03:44
trying to get a state job through California. And the website is a nightmare. If you want

00:03:51
to go to the sixth gate of hell, it is just a great time to go from window to window and

00:04:00
you're trying to just get one thing done, but you can't... Anyway, big recommend. So

00:04:07
that's calcareers.gov or.com. So congratulations. You're about to have a real good time. Miriam

00:04:14
suggested that I look at Reddit to see if there is any kind of advice and boy, howdy,

00:04:19
there was fantastic advice. So I have been just kind of flailing about in the job search

00:04:28
situation trying to figure out what jobs I could possibly be qualified for, because the

00:04:34
name of the job has nothing to do with whether you're qualified for it and there's no category

00:04:41
really of qualifications. You just have to know by the title of the job, whether that

00:04:46
is a job title that you're qualified for. And yet there's no... The list of jobs is

00:04:52
probably over 500 different types of jobs, right? With a different job title. So then

00:04:58
clicking through each one to a new window, by the way, and then having to read through

00:05:03
like so much bullshit is like, I don't know why I was avoiding this. I don't know why

00:05:09
I've been procrastinating on it because it has just been a dopamine roller coaster of

00:05:13
fun. Anyway, so the advice from Reddit was if you have a four year degree, there is a

00:05:20
part of the site where you can look up what your degree is and what jobs you're qualified

00:05:26
for. Holy shit game changer. Like fully holy shit game changer. Also bananas. If you have

00:05:35
a physics degree, which is what I have, you can be like a deputy fire marshal of the state

00:05:43
of California. And I'm like, under no circumstances, is that correct? And another one was like,

00:05:50
I don't even know. There were just a lot of these jobs. I was like, okay, sure. But there

00:05:55
are some that I'm excited about. So that's happening. But the whole point of this diatribe

00:06:01
is because I have been missing doing creative stuff and I feel like I'm wilting. I'm like,

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I know there's joy in this life. But I, you know, it's like, and I've been watching like

00:06:27
comedy specials and it just makes me fucking sad because I want to be doing comedy stuff.

00:06:32
And I'm, yeah. So I am so with you. All of that is to say, what do I want to do? I really,

00:06:41
I don't know. I'll be honest. I don't know. The first thing that comes to mind is I still

00:06:45
really want to do a table read. And I'm just like, what is the easiest shittiest way that

00:06:52
I can make that happen? You know, because the perfectionism is really coming into play.

00:06:56
Whenever I think about it, it's like, I want to make sure everybody's on board and doesn't

00:07:02
feel like, I don't know, used by, by providing their voice to this like character or something.

00:07:08
They've signed contracts. Yes, exactly. Everybody is in the guild, you know. Yeah. Because obviously

00:07:20
I have no money to give to anyone, nor do I have copyrights on any of my stuff, which

00:07:28
I don't know if I need, but anyway, the whole point is like the stupid Warner Brothers writing

00:07:34
contest, which was the whole reason that I wrote these dumb scripts. It's like, I don't

00:07:39
even think they're going to accept what we do in the shadows anymore because shadows

00:07:42
is going into its final season. Yeah. Yeah. So, and they never accept it's always sunny

00:07:48
in Philadelphia. So what am I doing with these things? Like I would much rather like have

00:07:53
my friends read them and we have like a goofy good time. And then I do some rewrites because

00:07:59
then I'm inspired to like make it better or do something else. Yeah. Yeah. I like, I like

00:08:06
that because it's like, it's honing your craft and it's less about, you know, an end result

00:08:13
in the sense of getting something other than get you getting something out of it, I guess

00:08:18
is what I'm trying to say. Which I, yeah. Which is legit. That is legit. That is legit.

00:08:25
I think I need to think that way more often. How does this benefit this guy? No, because

00:08:37
there is that thing where the perfectionism does hold you back. Right. It's, it does.

00:08:43
I mean, procrastination, you know, I know, I know. And you know, there's always something

00:08:49
else avoidance. Yeah. Yeah. It's getting the work done is, is just doing the work, right.

00:08:56
And making time for it. And that's it. You know, there's no, there's no gold star at

00:09:01
the end. No, but at the same time, I think what you're talking about is like us working

00:09:08
on stuff that doesn't feel like a grind. Yes. Yes. You know, and just like joy. Yeah. Yeah.

00:09:16
Exactly. And just doing it for the fun of it rather than for some other outcome, you

00:09:23
know, that, you know, we can never control. Right. I mean, you can make the perfect, most

00:09:29
hilarious sitcom let anybody's ever heard. And, and it can never see the light of day.

00:09:37
Yeah, I know. There's plenty of them. Yeah, I think there are. And it's, that's the thing

00:09:42
is I kind of like hearing about, you know, when comedians go on podcasts and whatever,

00:09:47
and they talk about the industry. And I love hearing about like amazing writers and people

00:09:52
who have done incredible shows that just make me pee myself with laughter. And then they've

00:09:56
sold like a sitcom that they worked with other brilliant people on. And it's like, they think

00:10:04
it's their best work. And they're so proud of it. But the studio bought it. And then

00:10:10
all the executives changed out. And so they don't want to do like when there's new executives

00:10:16
that come in, they scrap everything that the previous executives were working on. Because

00:10:22
it's, I don't know, it's like an ego thing, or it's like a professional thing, so that

00:10:27
everything that they do is new. And there's like a delineation between the management's.

00:10:31
I don't really know. But so then this like project they've been working on for like five

00:10:36
years is never going to see the light of day. Because it's owned by the studio. They did

00:10:43
buy it. So they can't bring it to anybody else. But it's in purgatory, right? And so

00:10:49
but which is funny that it makes me so happy to hear that. Because it means there is no

00:10:55
fucking perfect way to do it. True. Very true. I also control. Yeah, you don't have control

00:11:02
at all. You don't have control of that. And I recently I watched a panel. Oh my god, I

00:11:11
can't remember who was through. But it was fascinating because these people worked in

00:11:16
the industry actively. And they were pretty, you know, like five, 10, 20 years into their

00:11:22
careers all in different ranges. And they were talking about how it is to work in a

00:11:29
writer's room, how complicated it's getting because of studios are starting to close a

00:11:35
little bit in because they spent so much cash before. And now they're like, OK, we spent

00:11:40
way too much cash on shows that we didn't really, you know, I mean, we all see it right

00:11:45
when you're watching TV or streaming or whatever. You just see these shows show up and then

00:11:50
they disappear, you know, and and so and you see that a lot time and time again. But it

00:11:56
also made me think about, hey, how can I just create my own thing? Yeah, exactly. You know,

00:12:04
like why do I need to depend on somebody else to do something? You know, and I don't know,

00:12:11
I think we've talked about that before in terms of like just putting it out there and

00:12:16
seeing what it does and not really caring, you know, whether or not it's popular or not,

00:12:24
that is just for you. Yeah, just for us. Exactly. Just for us. Because it makes us giggle. Yeah.

00:12:30
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Thousand percent. Yeah. Well, I'm excited about that. Yeah,

00:12:36
you too. Yeah. Yeah, I also have ideas of. So the day or two after Halloween, the Halloween

00:12:48
store is like 50 percent off or whatever. But you go in there and it looks like three

00:12:54
days after an apocalypse. You know, there's just like, you know, one like stray boot for

00:13:03
a giant and one werewolf teeth and whatever. Anyway, so I have a significant amount of

00:13:11
Halloween Halloween store wigs that all I really wanted to do was set up a green screen,

00:13:19
put on a wig and do like just find the fucking character and like do some nonsense for just

00:13:27
a couple of minutes and then, you know, like edit it down or whatever and post it on Instagram.

00:13:32
But I have so much perfection around that. And especially because like my absolute favorite

00:13:39
thing on Instagram and the show now is I think it's called Very Important People, that show

00:13:47
with Vic Michaelis and they they get a the show puts a comedian in like full makeup,

00:13:55
hair wardrobe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Without the comedian seeing what it is. And

00:14:00
then at the very end, they reveal it and they're an improv improviser. So they find the character

00:14:06
and then they go and Vic Michaelis interviews them. Yeah, so funny. Oh, my God. One of them,

00:14:13
Tommy Shrigley, I swear to God, I could be borderline suicidal. I don't mean to be flip

00:14:18
about that, but I am joking. And watch him. They give him little miniature plastic hands

00:14:26
and he starts clapping with them. And I swear to God, nothing else in this world could make

00:14:32
me upset when I'm just watching it. But I'm worried that because that's the premise of

00:14:40
their show, the fact that I would put on a wig and come up with a character is too. OK,

00:14:47
I see the expression on your face. No, no, no, no, no, no. I know where you're going.

00:14:53
Yeah. No, you know, everything and nothing is original. Right. The only way that it's

00:14:58
original, it's it's that it's from you and it's your perspective. And so it's coming

00:15:04
from your perspective. And so, yeah, I would say just do it. OK, I'm writing it down as

00:15:11
a as a fun thing. Yeah. Wig videos. That's what I'm writing down. Yeah. Wig videos. And

00:15:18
if there's a problem with you editing them, then maybe you can ask a friend to like edit

00:15:24
it for you. Oh, cool. You mean the friend that I already feel like I I rely on way too

00:15:32
much and take too much of her brilliant time and no, you don't take any of my time. You

00:15:40
say that now, but in the middle of the night, I'm hunched over you sucking out your life

00:15:45
for so. Yeah, yeah, it's all good. That's just a hobby of mine. Anyhow, yes, so we have

00:15:53
those. But I think in terms of being supportive and then, you know, if you feel like something

00:15:57
is an impedance, like to get something out the door. So I really appreciate you saying

00:16:03
that. I would love to take you up on that. Yeah. And vice versa. If I can ever be of

00:16:08
any assistance besides, you know, just if I need you to show up in a wig and a wig.

00:16:15
Yeah. You know, when I have to go to the doctor. Yes. It's like Gabbie, you know, I can't go.

00:16:22
Could you go in a wig? Perfect. And I'll put on the Moira Rose wig that I purchased. It's

00:16:29
exactly like your hair. Half mauve, half silver. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Show up and I'll say, yes,

00:16:36
I'm Heather Nye. And I'm here for my gynecological. You didn't say I needed to wear a Merkin.

00:16:49
Okay. Yeah. It's I thought it was implied. Yeah. Well, you know, that's I'm just not

00:16:57
method as an actor, but I can get there. I can do that for you. I'll go to the Halloween

00:17:03
store and I will demand a matching Merkin, a Moira Rose Merkin. Okay, perfect. Done.

00:17:13
Set. We're good. We did it already there. Oh, you know, the other probably OCD thing

00:17:21
that I have about the videos is kind of like it comes up with improv to basically it's

00:17:27
this like I'm afraid of revealing too much of my psyche through the characters that might

00:17:35
come out. You know, it's funny. I have the same problem with writing. Yes, dude. Okay.

00:17:47
Say more. But see, that's the thing is that I feel like that maybe maybe I just become

00:17:53
vulnerable and maybe I just allow it to be, you know, because it's everybody else does

00:17:59
it. You know, they don't realize they're doing it. But that fucking part. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

00:18:04
It's like, sure. I could dance in front of a tiger too. If I didn't know the tiger was

00:18:10
fucking there that I could also do that. But the fact is, unlike these morons who are dancing

00:18:17
in front of a tiger in a like completely darkened room, so you can't see the tiger. I'm out

00:18:22
here with like, just like the lights that they use for construction in the middle of

00:18:28
the night. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just showing all the tigers just willy nilly walking

00:18:34
around and then being like, Hey, Gabbie, why don't you try and be funny? Do it now. Now

00:18:39
be funny. Tell a joke. Go on. Go on. If it's not good enough. You know what that means?

00:18:46
It means you're a terrible person. Yeah. No business in comedy. It always leads to that.

00:18:53
Right? Well, that's true. A terrible person. Yeah. That's just where it all leads to. So

00:18:59
maybe you lead to that. Yeah. But maybe you lead to it. That's good. Because then all

00:19:05
of my characters can just be bad. I was going to come up with some other things, but then

00:19:11
I was like, oh, the current state of the world. Let's not. Let's just skate over. Well, yeah,

00:19:17
let's not like, you know, emphasize, you know, like the need for more of those people. But

00:19:22
yeah, you could just be your version of a terrible person. Yeah. Which is fine. And

00:19:30
the thing is when it's in improv with other people on stage, I am still worried about

00:19:37
tipping my hand and showing the absolute dark chaos that is my soul. But there's so many

00:19:45
other people on stage that I'm like, you know, things are like happening. So if anybody clocks

00:19:51
what I'm doing, like give it 30 seconds. You know, one of these other assholes are going

00:19:55
to come in and it's like an incest pirate or something. And then I'm fine. The classic

00:20:04
trope. Yeah. Incest pirate. Incest pirate. You know, all the time. I can't even say that

00:20:11
without laughing. And being uncomfortable at the same time. I don't know why. I think

00:20:19
most people can just say the word incest and not be like, oh, a little vomit there. Yeah.

00:20:27
Tiny bit. Yeah. Oh, God. The podcast comes to a screeching halt. But it is funny because

00:20:38
it's like you do reveal pieces of yourself when you do perform in general. And which

00:20:45
is funny to say, because, you know, when you were doing and I'm sure you're going to continue

00:20:49
to do standup comedy, you know, it's extremely revealing and being vulnerable on stage. Yeah.

00:20:57
Yeah. So it's but I think in the sense it's it's more controlled because you know what

00:21:04
you're going to say. Yeah. You're committing to what you're going to say rather than it

00:21:08
being a slip going, you know, I'm an incest pirate.

00:21:14
And by the way, NSA, do not look at my porn search terms. It is definitely not incest

00:21:23
pirate. Don't worry about it. Oh, once again. Yeah. And it's also cool or interesting that

00:21:36
I that's something that I love that comedians do is like when they reveal stuff about themselves

00:21:44
, you know, whether it seems consciously or unconsciously, I'm like, oh, awesome. Fantastic.

00:21:51
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's you kind of get more pulled into it. Oh, yeah. Do you ever

00:21:58
follow Zach Woods on Instagram? You know, Gabe from the office. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

00:22:05
And his shit is so amazing. Like I fall in love with that guy every time he says some

00:22:14
kind of like dystopian, dark, just like there's no hope. Weird, chaotic. I'm just like, yes.

00:22:23
But the thought of like me putting that out there, I'm like, oh, no, I could not because

00:22:28
everybody thinks of me as this perfect creature. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think of it like as for

00:22:47
me, it's like I think I make myself small. So that. Yeah. Sorry. Was that a little too

00:22:55
enthusiastic? Well, you know, it's more it's less about being I mean, maybe it's a little

00:23:01
bit more maybe it's a little bit about being perfect, but it's mostly about not rocking

00:23:07
a boat or or upsetting someone, upsetting someone. Yes, is the biggest one, because I always

00:23:14
feel ultimately responsible for somebody. Yes. Yeah. Well, I forget at what point in

00:23:23
OCD treatment or whatever I was in there, it was like a sense of over responsibility,

00:23:29
like the harm reduction and whatever. And I was like, that's not OCD. That's just what

00:23:36
you have to do every waking moment of the day. And also when you're asleep. Yeah. Yeah.

00:23:41
It's just feel responsible for everybody's actions, feelings, life choices, psychology,

00:23:49
childhood, childhood. Yeah. Childhood is a big one. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the when they

00:23:57
were saying like the older sister syndrome or whatever. Yeah, totally. I know. I was

00:24:02
like, yes, I am an older sister, but I also have OCD. And you're like, so that is two,

00:24:10
two, two for one. I am guaranteed to be responsible for everybody. Yeah. And yeah, in that sense,

00:24:18
I do limit what I say. Some of it is because of privacy reasons, but other things are like

00:24:25
more because, yes, that same idea of being revealing or vulnerable in a way that is not

00:24:34
is not of my control. I was just going to say that vulnerability released in the most

00:24:43
rehearsed manner possible, which I think by definition is. Yeah. And I control vulnerability.

00:24:51
Yeah. I know. It's not vulnerability at all. Well, I do. I am like, especially for a podcast,

00:24:56
like I do try like not to have a conversation in my head about it. Oh, that is. Yeah, that

00:25:02
is really good. Yeah. Yeah. I have that too. I wonder if that's an OCD, like intrusive

00:25:08
thought thing where it's just like whoever I'm talking to, there's like a shadow version

00:25:15
that's like screaming at me or. Yeah. You're just having the worst argument about something

00:25:23
that you did that you didn't do. Yeah. That you're a terrible person that you could do

00:25:28
because, you know, you did it. You're not careful. Yeah, exactly. Because it's already

00:25:33
done. Yeah. Yeah. Because yeah, you're the worst person in the world. Yeah. Yeah. You

00:25:39
know, those conversations do happen. I think they're like a compulsion, right? It's kind

00:25:43
of like an imaginal compulsion or something like that. Yeah, I think you're right. And

00:25:48
it's like I will. And so I'm consciously trying not to feed into them and to refocus like

00:25:54
on you or whatever. But it's also like such the neural pathways have been, you know, gone

00:26:02
over so often that it's tough not to fall back in that groove. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah,

00:26:09
because it's I think my psychiatrist calls it like an automatic process. I don't think

00:26:16
it's his term, but I think it's a term because a lot of people who have OCD and if they exhibit

00:26:23
a lot of physical compulsions, I think all of us have mental compulsions, whether or

00:26:31
not you realize it. And so some of them are they become automatic or as he likes to call

00:26:38
it. He likes to call them cheap because they're because they're the easiest ones. They're

00:26:44
the easiest ones to get to low hanging fruit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's the ones that

00:26:48
you go to automatically. And sometimes you don't even realize it. As I've learned in

00:26:52
my act classes that I'm like, oh, that's a compulsion. You know, like, yes, you had no

00:26:59
idea. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Before I got my diagnosis and a lot of treatment, I would

00:27:07
have these sort of it was like a flash of an entire movie where one of my loved ones

00:27:13
would get in a horrific car accident or be kidnapped by terrorists. You know, the classics.

00:27:20
Everything can happen. Everything that can happen. Yeah. A plane crash, whatever. And

00:27:26
it would be in very quick succession. It would be like what I could do to help them, what

00:27:34
I should have done to prevent it. And also, like it goes all the way through their death,

00:27:40
the funeral, the grief process afterwards, the absolute, like, horrendous life that I

00:27:46
have to live after they're gone. You know, and and as I was like saying the beginning

00:27:52
parts of this, the therapist, the OCD person was like, great. So now we're just going to

00:27:59
run like the whole worst case scenario. And then that's, you know, how you get out of

00:28:04
it. And I'm like, no, I'm already doing that because it was like and so it took a while

00:28:10
to figure out like, oh, it's it's like a compulsion. And I think it was in CBT that they were like,

00:28:18
great. So keep going. Like, like follow the rest of it to its end. And I'm like, girl,

00:28:23
I am already doing that. Like I had to pick out a casket. Like I don't you know, like

00:28:29
there was I was haggling with the price. It was like it was a very detailed, very quick

00:28:36
thing. Uh huh. Uh huh. And you were like talking about taxes and talking with my remaining

00:28:44
family members and going to therapy with them. I mean, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had

00:28:49
to pick a good therapist. We had to switch therapists. You know, it was like then then

00:28:54
my family member couldn't make it because the commute was tough. So we had to switch

00:28:57
again. It's like a whole thing. My car broke down anyway. So then they're like, oh, add

00:29:02
detail to it or whatever. And I'm like, we'll be here all day. But getting back to the fact

00:29:08
that this is like, uh, it took a while for somebody to point out, hey, that's a compulsion.

00:29:15
Yeah. Yeah. And it's one of those ones that you were talking about with your therapist.

00:29:18
It's a cheap automatic process. Yep. Because they would also be like, oh, okay, it's a

00:29:25
compulsion. Then just stop. And I'm like, cool. Can I also just will myself a million

00:29:32
dollars? Can that happen as well? Yeah, I know. It's like it's like with with any kind

00:29:39
of compulsion. Because so with OCD, for those who know or don't know, OCD can attach to

00:29:46
anything and especially like attaching to any sort of treatment that you're doing. You

00:29:55
know, if you're like if you're classic over thinkers like us, never once who tend to lean

00:30:03
towards perfectionism that or all or nothing or, you know, that kind of thinking. Yeah.

00:30:12
That that it can attach itself to anything, you know, and usually the things that you

00:30:18
love the most family members. And and so some of the things can be intrusive thoughts and

00:30:24
some of them can be compulsions. And sometimes they can feel mixed. Like for me, it's like

00:30:29
I don't I don't really understand like when this happens to me. But I have a process where

00:30:33
things glitch like like the first thought happens, like the intrusive thought happens.

00:30:40
But then it happens over and over and over again. It's almost like an analysis of it.

00:30:45
And it makes me uncomfortable after a while, because that's what compulsions do. Right.

00:30:51
They they relieve you and then they make you uncomfortable. And then you have to do another

00:30:55
compulsion and then it happens again and again and again in this vicious cycle. It's strange.

00:31:00
I guess maybe that's I don't know. Of course, strange. No, I'm just saying it out loud.

00:31:07
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know where I'm going with it. It's like I don't know. But

00:31:12
I was wondering if there was something like with your act class that was like helping

00:31:16
you with these like intrusive thoughts, automatic compulsions or like the glitch that you're

00:31:22
talking about. Yeah. One of the most recent tools that I've been utilizing that I've learned

00:31:29
in this class has been dropping anchor. It's a mindful practice that's kind of similar

00:31:34
to meditation, but quicker. You're in your body. You're out of your body. You know, stuff

00:31:41
like that. Yes. It's amazing how helpful that shit is. Oh, yeah. Dropping anchor and

00:31:46
act in general, really. And that's for those who are listening. Acceptance and commitment

00:31:53
therapy can help with a multitude of different mental health issues. But this particular

00:32:01
is really helpful for my OCD. And so the building upon anchoring down, we can use diffusion

00:32:07
within it or this other term that's called dipping in and out, which I'm starting to

00:32:12
learn more about. So I'm not like an expert at it. But but essentially it's the RP part

00:32:18
of ERP and it's to practice the response prevention part, even when you're not in an exposure.

00:32:28
So yeah, you can use things that are pretty banal or you can use things that can trigger

00:32:33
you. But it's the intent is to teach you how to see. I think it's to teach you how to see

00:32:40
that a feeling is a feeling and a thought is a thought, not that there's something that's

00:32:45
of ownership to whatever or meaning or intention. Mm hmm. Yeah. And so, yeah, yeah. And so I'm

00:32:53
really excited about that because I feel like that part of ERP I find very challenging is

00:33:02
to actually allow my emotions to come in. There's there's a part of me that becomes like protective

00:33:10
and, you know, detaches. So it's it's and but it's if you do detach, it's not about

00:33:19
judging. That's the new thing that I'm learning. It's not about it's not about judging the

00:33:24
detachment is to acknowledge it's there. I was going to say the noticing of it. Yeah,

00:33:29
yes. That's a whole different. I like that. Yeah, yeah. So for me, it's starting to, I

00:33:38
don't know, open me up a little bit more to that and hoping that ERP can become more of

00:33:48
a practiced process rather than it feeling like it works. Sometimes it doesn't work other

00:33:55
times. But again, it's not about it working, right? It's about practicing. And so I have

00:34:00
to, you know, like, try to change my mindset about what it is. You know, and that's that

00:34:06
part of treatment, you know, in terms of what works for you and what doesn't work for you.

00:34:10
And so, yeah, I'm still kind of managing that. But I think this class has been opening my

00:34:15
eyes up to a lot of different things. And and I'm trying to not hold it so tightly.

00:34:22
And so as like gospel, you know, and stuff like that. But but at the same time, kind

00:34:28
of noticing like, oh, yeah, I could talk to my therapist about this. Yeah, you know, but

00:34:33
now I feel like I have words to say these things instead of saying like I feel or or

00:34:39
because I find it challenging when I can't attach a word to an emotion. Yes. You know,

00:34:46
and then everything goes blank because I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. That's

00:34:50
a thousand percent. Yeah. But it's nice to be able to get into a mindset where you can

00:34:57
you can challenge yourself. But then at the same time, hold it loosely. Yeah. Not like

00:35:03
grip it like so hard where just kind of it actually goes away, but it disappears from

00:35:08
your mind. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's OK for people who don't have our thing. I think a good explanation

00:35:14
would be like when you're trying to tell someone about a dream you had and the more you try

00:35:20
and remember those specific details, like the harder it is to grab a hold on to. Yeah.

00:35:28
And then you're, you know, like sometimes what I end up doing is I'm like, I make it

00:35:33
like, oh, that wasn't that big of a deal. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. I totally minimize,

00:35:39
even though internally I feel screaming. Sorry. Yeah. Like, no, no. It's exactly what I was

00:35:45
going to say. It's like, you know, it's like, oh, my God, this feels so intense. And then

00:35:50
when you try to explain it and then you're just like, oh, I'm minimizing it now because

00:35:54
I don't want you to be scared. I had a panic attack last night. Oh, God. Yeah. I went out

00:36:02
with somebody to a movie and after the 35 minutes of previews, ads and bullshit. God,

00:36:12
I sound so fucking old. The lights went down for like the feature presentation. And I turned

00:36:22
to the person and I said, oh, I'm having a panic attack. And they were very sweet. But

00:36:30
I was like, my panic attacks are I need to run. Like the inside of my body is telling

00:36:36
me to rip off my screen skin and just book it. Yeah. Yeah. And so I like dropped my phone

00:36:44
on the floor, which was bad because it was dark in the theater at that point. And I was

00:36:51
just like, OK, hold it together until you find your fucking phone. Found my phone and

00:36:56
then just they were like, what do you need? Do you want us to leave? Do you want to go

00:37:02
outside and get water? Do you want to? And I was just like, yeah. I just like stood up,

00:37:12
walked out, also was walking like a crazy person, could not remember how I walk. Yeah.

00:37:18
And then just got out into the main part of the multiplex and just walking up and down

00:37:25
the hallway there and the whole time just like trying to breathe normal sauce, trying

00:37:30
to bring down the panic, telling myself like this is temporary, all the things. But the

00:37:38
whole point of this is so the person comes out of the also with the only two people in

00:37:45
the theater. But the person comes out and they get panic attacks, too, which is great

00:37:54
because they were very supportive. But they came and like gave me a hug and just started

00:37:59
walking with me, which is very, very sweet. Yeah. And but they kept asking me questions,

00:38:05
like not a lot, but just like, what do you want to do? Do you want to keep walking? Do

00:38:10
you want water? Do you want to leave? You want to do that? And and I was shut down.

00:38:15
The inside of me was screaming. Yeah. And I couldn't articulate a fucking thing. And yeah.

00:38:28
Yeah, that was literally it. So we I like got myself together. They're like, did you bring

00:38:35
Ativan? I was like, no. Did I bring warheads? No, none of my things, because I'm just going

00:38:41
to a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Why would I need any of that? Who's it's fine, you know? Anyway,

00:38:49
so we get they keep asking me like, if you want to leave, we can leave like it's not a big deal

00:38:55
at all. And I'm like, it's OK. They're like, we can, you know, go watch TV. You can eat good

00:39:01
food, whatever. And I'm like, just shaking my head because I can't talk. Yeah. And then we go back

00:39:07
into the theater and I proceed to just kind of have like not full blown panic, but it keeps

00:39:14
threatening to come back and just like heightened anxiety. Yeah. And again, they're being so sweet,

00:39:21
like holding my hand, rubbing my back, checking in with me. And I just I was like, I'm not going to

00:39:32
let this panic attack win. So I kind of went the other route. It was like instead of holding on

00:39:40
to the panic attack loosely, I was like, why don't we just white knuckle through this?

00:39:44
And all I have to say is the movie that we watched, a dog gets shot within the first

00:39:51
like five minutes of the fucking movie. Oh, yeah. And I was like. OK.

00:40:05
Oh, no, no, no, no.

00:40:08
No, I was like. Like was just kind of coming out of the panic. And then that happened. And I was like,

00:40:18
OK, just right back in, just like trying not to stop breathing, you know, scream

00:40:25
all the things, get up, rip off my skin and run out again.

00:40:28
So I made it through the whole movie. Then the person was like, you know, what was it that

00:40:35
caused the panic attack? You know, and I was like, I think it was just overstimulation.

00:40:43
Yeah. The bright flashiness of the very large screen. And like also they have these like comfy

00:40:52
chairs, which aren't comfy. It felt like my head was being pushed forward. And I was like,

00:40:56
none of this matters. The point is, I had a panic attack and I got very nonverbal.

00:41:08
And then you and I were talking about before even the podcast was about how

00:41:14
it's easy for us to be vulnerable and talk about things when they're past tense. Yes. Yes. Yes.

00:41:24
Yes. We did talk about that because it's easy to kind of because we're over it or we've solved it

00:41:32
or or we're. Processed. Yeah. Or it's been processed and not talking about something

00:41:38
or being vulnerable and talking about problems that are happening in the moment

00:41:43
is really difficult because it's extremely vulnerable and you don't know what you're going

00:41:47
to expose, right? You don't know what you're telling the world. Yes. That's a problem. Yeah.

00:41:56
And, you know, part of me is like, OK, so maybe the better thing to do would be to let out

00:42:02
whatever that is and let the chips fall where they may. But I'm getting like sweaty palms,

00:42:08
even saying that because I'm like, well, then no one is ever going to like me ever again.

00:42:14
I'm going to lose all family and friends because I am just a very awful, dark, disturbed.

00:42:25
Yeah. Individual. And that's when self-compassion

00:42:28
comes in to play, especially when panic attacks. Yeah, exactly. I know. So true, though.

00:42:35
Yeah, it is. It is because it's not the thing that you go to first, right?

00:42:39
And you don't want to tell yourself, you know what? I know this is hard for you.

00:42:45
And it's really hard to say that to yourself, right? In the moment. Yeah. Because, yeah,

00:42:53
it's like it's coming out of nowhere. It feels like it's coming out of nowhere, right? It's just

00:42:57
triggered by whatever. And then you're in the middle of it and you're thinking everybody else

00:43:03
is acting normal. Yeah. Why am I not acting normal? Why do I have to deal with this? And

00:43:11
I think we kind of forget that we have to come back at it kind of coming to us like as,

00:43:19
you know, hey, this is incredibly hard. This is very difficult. And, you know, even you saying

00:43:26
that just like dislodged and loosened things in my heart, I really physically just felt that.

00:43:35
Yeah. Yeah. I think you're welcome. And I think that we forget that as you know, in OCD, I mean,

00:43:44
it's a practice, right? And those things don't come natural to kind of find that support,

00:43:51
you know, to ourselves and to other people. You know, you're very generous and supportive,

00:43:57
too. And so like when when when I have a situation and then you say something,

00:44:04
I feel that touched, you know, but then when you have to turn it inward. Oh, God, I know.

00:44:10
So hard it is. It's like maybe I've talked about this before, but it's like, you know, I have ADHD.

00:44:18
I'm late to fucking everything. I will set an alarm 30 minutes before

00:44:24
to be like, oh, that's when it's really happening.

00:44:28
But then I'm like, I know that I'm tricking myself. Do you know what I mean? So I remember that. And

00:44:32
then I go through the 30 minutes as if it's fine. And then I'm late. And it feels like the same

00:44:39
sort of trick for self compassion. It's like, I don't know. But it but it I don't know if it is

00:44:49
like because it does something to you when you actually say it. It's so funny because it's like

00:44:55
saying it out loud. I know what you mean. Like, you know, like, oh, I'm tricking myself. You know,

00:45:00
if you say it out loud, it's like, yeah, yeah, whatever. You know, but when you're saying it in

00:45:05
the moment, when you're in pure panic, I mean, when I have a panic attack, I can't breathe.

00:45:11
And I feel like I'm having some sort of like, OK, this is the end. I'm having a heart attack.

00:45:16
You know, I'm going to die right here and I can't breathe. And, you know, all I can do is get up and

00:45:22
race around the house, you know, like as if this is the thing that's going to solve the problem.

00:45:27
Yes. And yes, I am extremely nonverbal. I mean, when my husband tries to help me, I go,

00:45:37
you know, like, don't don't say anything. Don't say anything. And he knows now. But

00:45:41
before he used to try to do so much and I felt so bad because I felt like I was being mean. But

00:45:48
but I wasn't I was literally like, I'm going to die. You know, I don't want you to see this.

00:45:52
I don't want whatever. And it's funny because it's not natural to just stop, you know, from the

00:46:00
the fight or flight. You know, yeah, a thousand percent, because that is literally what your body

00:46:04
is telling you is there is a tiger run, bitch. And I'm like, OK, I will start fucking running.

00:46:12
And then the like remedy is stop running. Yeah.

00:46:18
Which feels impossible in that moment because there's so much adrenaline or whatever is flowing

00:46:24
through your body, you know, like telling you to do something. Every cell in your body is like,

00:46:29
you're going to die. Or for me, it's this is what your life is going to be forever. This is it.

00:46:35
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to last drawing it, drawing it back inward. Uh huh. And just.

00:46:43
Yeah, go ahead. No, no, no, no. You should say it. It's just it was what you were saying, like

00:46:49
to tell you myself, hey, Gabbie, you're having a hard time right now. Yeah. It's like first of all,

00:46:55
brings tears to my eyes because I'm like, it's so beautiful. But really it is. It's like so

00:47:00
beautiful, but also so impossible. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I'm running from a tiger to be like,

00:47:08
hey, you're having a hard time. And it solves everything. I know, but it actually does. It does.

00:47:19
But that's the logic because like truly you're running from a tiger. Grab a gun, grab a stick.

00:47:25
Like I don't like these seem like the actual solutions, but instead it is stop running and

00:47:31
tell yourself, golly, this seems like a really rough spot. You find yourself in turn around,

00:47:39
face the tiger and just be like, hey, buddy. But it does. It does loosen something within,

00:47:47
you know, like when you do say that to yourself, you know, like, hey, this is hard for me.

00:47:53
Yeah. You know, and just being able to come back with compassion, even in that simple phrase,

00:48:02
because that simple phrase is the one that I have locked and loaded because if I try to complicate

00:48:10
it, it doesn't work right as well, like because I don't access it. There is no accessing it.

00:48:18
Because I don't access it. There is no accessing that when you're in that mode,

00:48:24
there's no access. No, but it's and it's not becoming automatic because I don't do it right

00:48:29
away. But when I'm finally like coming to a place where I'm like, you know, I hold my hand to my

00:48:35
chest. It's that feeling of, you know, comfort, like self, you know, soothing. Yeah. Yeah. And

00:48:43
then as soon as I do that, that's when I can say I can finally say it. Yeah. You know, because I

00:48:51
feel that makes sense. Yeah. Because we're in the lizard brain. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And truly the

00:48:58
prefrontal cortex is cut off in those panic times. And that is your logic and language brain. Yeah.

00:49:05
So that makes so much sense that you're it takes a minute. Yeah. And sometimes,

00:49:12
it sometimes the touching doesn't help. Sometimes what it is, is grounding myself.

00:49:17
So even putting my feet firmly on the ground. That's a good one. I grabbed this person's soda

00:49:28
and I put it on my wrists and my fingers. Ah, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Just

00:49:34
back in the body. Get back in the body. Get the fuck back in the body. I mean,

00:49:39
you're having a hard time. Be gentle. Yeah, but it's just to know, like, you know, and it again,

00:49:47
it's because what you're doing is, is you're feeling yourself in the place in the world.

00:49:51
And then, you know, maybe it's looking around and seeing what's around you. You know, whether or

00:49:58
not it's a sound or it's a funny looking plant, you know, or something like that, you know, that

00:50:04
kind of brings you back into the world and then giving you a little bit of space to be able to

00:50:09
say something to yourself, to be able to, you know, and it doesn't work all the time. Yeah,

00:50:14
that's the other thing too. Yeah. But what it does do is when you practice it, at least this is what

00:50:22
I'm starting to notice with my panic attacks, is that the more I practice it, the less panic attacks

00:50:27
I have. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because there's that anticipatory aspect to panic attacks, you know?

00:50:35
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Especially like having one recently. Oh, yeah, yeah. The anticipatory ones

00:50:42
are, that's actually a thing too. That is the fucking worst, man. Because they'll last longer.

00:50:48
Yeah. Because you're not in the full panic. Yeah. And so you're looking, so that's kind of,

00:50:53
I think that's similar to somatic OCD. I might be wrong about that. Where you're starting to search

00:51:01
for clues. Yes, totally. And it was like, check in on my breathing. Do I feel like the walls are

00:51:07
closing in? Like, can I get out of here quickly? That's a whole OCD thing. Yeah. Yes. I thought,

00:51:17
just when I'm like, you don't have OCD, they keep pulling me back in. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah.

00:51:30
I mean, yeah. Everything is a practice. It is. Yeah. And I'm so glad that you're taking that

00:51:39
ACT class, not only for you, but also for me, because I feel like I learn a lot. And I'm also

00:51:44
like, maybe I should take this class. Yeah. I mean, or Johnny, who's the instructor in the class,

00:51:54
Johnny Say, he has a bunch of videos on YouTube as well. Oh, cool. So I would check that out. And I

00:52:04
follow him on Instagram. I think our comically exposed account also follows him on Instagram.

00:52:09
So you can find him in multiple different ways. But so far, I'm really liking the class. The one

00:52:18
thing that I can say, though, I think that in the future, I might be looking for a group therapy.

00:52:27
Yeah, because I think that, yeah, I think I'm starting to notice I'm like, oh, maybe this is a,

00:52:33
you know, learning from you, but then also learning for myself, realizing, you know, it's good to

00:52:41
be in practice. Yeah. You know, and also to just not feel like a weirdo. You know what I mean?

00:52:49
And for me, it's just like when I am talking to other people who have OCD or anxiety or whatever,

00:52:54
I'm like, oh, OK, cool. Yeah. That we're not alone. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't have to like

00:53:03
keep hiding this thing. You know? Yeah. OK. We have been talking for almost an hour.

00:53:13
I know. And it has been fantastic. But also one of my valued activities is I'm going to go get

00:53:22
food with a friend. Ooh. Ooh. From my aqua aerobics class. Bragg. I made a friend in aqua aerobics.

00:53:32
So. Yeah. So we're going to get mozzarella sticks. Oh, that's so.

00:53:39
That's so cute. It's not a 90 year old, right? No, she's my age. She has blue hair. So I was like,

00:53:46
like turquoise, like awesome blue hair. And so for a long time, I've been like kind of clocking her

00:53:52
and being like, I want her to be my friend. I want her to be my friend. And I did it. That's great.

00:53:58
Yeah. Yeah. But in any case, OK, I'm excited for us to start doing fun comedy stuff that just makes

00:54:06
us fucking laugh. And I am, you know, grateful for this podcast and all of the work that you put into

00:54:16
it and for you and your friendship. And yeah. High fives. Yeah. High fives. Yeah, we did it. We did it.

00:54:33
All right. Cool. Well, thanks, everybody, for joining us. Have a really good time

00:54:37
in your life doing things. Everything. And stuff. Yes. So bye, everyone. Bye.

00:54:54
Welcome to the end of the show. This is Gabbie Blachman. And this is Heather Nye.

00:54:59
Thank you for listening to Comically Exposed. We are just a little show with two creators who edit

00:55:05
and produce each episode. We appreciate all your support. If you like what you heard, please follow

00:55:11
us on Instagram at Comically Exp. Podcast. That's C-O-M-I-C-A-L-L-Y-E-X-P dot podcast.

00:55:22
Or subscribe to us on Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes drop every other

00:55:29
Wednesday. Also, special thanks to Track Club and Glxdxn Fxnch for providing the music. Thanks for

00:55:36
listening. And hey, everybody, today is a great day to expose yourself. OK, until next time. Ta-da

00:55:43
for today. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.