Episode 19

[00:00:00] Hey, welcome to episode 19 of Comically Exposed, the fabulous podcast that talks about OCD and breaking into comedy. My name is Gabbie and my fabulous amazing so talented co-host is Heather. Fabulous. And this is the second episode of our interview with Mae 40 who is also an immensely

[00:00:33] talented, hilarious, incredible human being. So let's let's get right into it. Here we go. That actually brings me to so may like what do you like? Do you do exposure therapy for OCD or do

[00:00:49] you like and also you don't have to talk about it at all. Yeah, you know, like what's what's working for you? What have you tried? What do you hate? What's up? Well, I honestly, I haven't really

[00:01:02] tried that many therapies for OCD because what I've been more focused on is and I didn't even bring this up at all. But since my mom died, I was dealing mostly with PTSD and other issues

[00:01:21] related to trauma. So then again, like we said, a lot of it's always tough for me to really visualize in my head because a lot of these different illnesses overlap in some ways,

[00:01:34] which is why I feel like I just kept getting new diagnoses. And at one point they were like maybe it's a borderline personality disorder or maybe it's just PTSD. Like there's a lot of overlap,

[00:01:45] I guess supposedly. So that was very confusing. But where I'm at now is working on this trauma therapy and it's I'm doing EMDR. You've heard of that? Yes. Yeah. I bought the paddles. Oh,

[00:02:02] yeah. And also a professional grade, like the therapy book to do it with and then never did it for myself. Of course, right? Yeah, but did it. Yeah. But I did do it professionally and it was

[00:02:18] so helpful. And then yeah, just want to say it's in my shane closet. Please continue. How is EMDR working for you? And so I took like a little break from it. It can be really intense if you're

[00:02:33] doing it consistently like every week, it's just a lot and you know, so I find it's hard. It's one of those things where I'm like, I can't do this right now or for the next six months. And then

[00:02:43] I'll pick it back up with my therapist. But it was really helpful with the recurring thoughts and memories. I felt like that was where it was most effective helped me kind of the point

[00:02:56] is reprocessing those memories until they're less painful or triggering. But it also works with other things, you know, we've done it with pain and you know, because I think one forever by all these

[00:03:08] different things, but the I start dealing with a lot of chronic illness after my mom died. Yeah. There are legitimate things happening in my body, but most likely it's from trauma. So it's just kind of interesting. You can apply that therapy to a lot of different things,

[00:03:27] even things that have just happened in your childhood or like feelings that you have. So it kind of works for a lot of stuff. But now I'm looking to focus more on the OCD and the

[00:03:38] anxiety because that's where I feel like I'm struggling now. Now that I have processed some of those memories and now it's like the anxiety and those obsessive thoughts are more at the forefront. Where before it was just like general numbness and

[00:03:55] retreating from life and that sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's so real. I'm sorry. I too went through major grief with losing my father a few years ago and oddly enough, that's right before he passed. I was diagnosed formally with OCD. So that was kind of a

[00:04:17] weird thing to happen and his death was also very traumatic. So... Then sorry to hear that. Traumatic death especially is, I mean losing anyone in any way is difficult, but I feel like there's a different layer there when it's traumatic

[00:04:35] because my mom too was sudden in an accident. Me too. So it just really changes how you're able to process that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel you on this one because for me, I had and I don't know like my therapist wouldn't confirm, which is another thing he

[00:04:59] does to me sometimes. Which I think is hilarious for anybody else but me is that I was actually intertwining some of my OCD thoughts because yes, I do think of... When I think of death, I do think of everybody's death but sometimes when it comes to

[00:05:20] like my breathing situation, it's whatever. But since I know things and have seen things that some of it got intertwined with my intrusive thoughts, which was extremely hard. And some things that have come because I wasn't there when it happened that I had some

[00:05:43] imagination, I guess as far as I'm going to take that because I am not going to talk about the actual event. I think with, I don't know, I also did group therapy for grieving and that was

[00:05:56] incredibly supportive which I'm glad that you did and have gone through. And I'm glad that, I mean, I'm going to explore more about EMDR because I'm curious now but I was also going to

[00:06:07] offer if like, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Maybe I'm going to stop this and not edit this part out. I know what's coming. I know but I was going to say acceptance commitment therapy

[00:06:21] was really helpful for me and there's a lot of tools in it. It's not made for OCD but it started working with OCD patients and it helps before doing ERP because what it does is it kind of

[00:06:33] trained you for the response prevention part. And so your mind is a little bit more ready. Like for example, my doctor jumped right into ERP with me and was sort of effective and then he backed out and then started doing compassion like self-compassion and act with me and

[00:06:53] and I've taken a class. So I'm just saying like person who grieved to another person who grieved to major things, yeah it might be a way to go gently into that kind of, yeah.

[00:07:05] That's very helpful. I can cut this part out because I'm like, I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything but I just want to be helpful. Yeah, no, it is really helpful. And you know,

[00:07:14] it's a super difficult thing to talk about but I really relate to everything you were saying about the way that the depth affected you and I had said, I don't obviously know exactly what happened

[00:07:23] to you but I had a similar situation where I wasn't there. I wasn't there and then I felt like there was a lot of unresolved. There were a lot of unresolved things afterwards because I wasn't

[00:07:35] able to, I just, I was 20 years old so I was a little like young compared to the rest of my family where they kind of didn't want me to be as involved which I wanted to be so you know

[00:07:44] lack of, lack, real lack of control which I think made me spiral afterwards in terms of what I could control. So yeah of course definitely the imagining that was huge because I didn't

[00:07:56] wasn't able to like see her body and all these things and which I know later can really actually impact your ability to grieve if you're not able to do those things.

[00:08:07] And then there were accident photos and like this was so, this is so kind of gory but I became obsessed with looking at them because I just really wanted to, I don't know what the

[00:08:17] goal was there. There wasn't one but I just needed to know every single detail like needed to make it real for myself so yeah yeah I became very obsessive with that and like reconstructing

[00:08:30] accident in my mind and like exactly how fast was this car going and this car going, just constant. Yeah I have the same thing of rethinking things so yeah, sorry thank you for listening to this. This is kind of nice to kind of bring it out.

[00:08:53] Yeah I was gonna say thank you to both of you for sharing. Yeah okay, I uh, you're like here do I do this? Here comes the jokes no just kidding. I was gonna say it sounds like both of you were really trying to process

[00:09:20] a very traumatic thing so that you could just, not just but so you could wrap your head around something so impossible to conceive and on top of that I think like OCD especially with the

[00:09:37] repetition and replaying things I think that is definitely you know perhaps part of trying to control what happened in some way you know. Yeah yeah mine was more about like preventative

[00:09:53] like how could I like not have that this happen you know stuff like that and also research is a big one for me when it comes to OCD stuff which can get kind of intense I can lose myself

[00:10:06] in research but which is funny because some of my things of OCD it sounds helpful. There's like the helpful version and there's the disordered version and when it becomes disordered it's not helpful at all. Yeah yeah do you ever have that like

[00:10:28] because if you you're still exploring what your compulsions are and understanding your I mean you're really understanding your intrusive thoughts at least this is what I understood but you're still trying to figure out what your compulsions are. Do you do like things like

[00:10:45] ruminate or research or? Yes definitely ruminate and that's probably the main thing which I think initially I just lumped into the intrusive thoughts like I didn't separate that as a separate

[00:11:01] act. Me too I had that same problem yeah so that's why for me I was like oh no I only have the you know the obsessions because I was expecting the the compulsions to be like this big thing where I'm

[00:11:15] gonna you know there's something that I'm gonna like be doing it whereas it's really not like that so for not for me so yes it's your question it's very much the rumination I think it's

[00:11:28] it kind of then when I ruminate on something it kind of causes me to a lot of time that triggers a panic attack and then it's like a cycle and it can be something very small that that triggers it

[00:11:40] usually it's something I've noticed with other people like something that involves another person if there's an argument or like there's something that happened and usually when people get mad at me that is when I'll ruminate and then I'll have a panic attack and then I'll go back to

[00:11:56] ruminating for like the next seven years about it and sometimes I just see if something will bring it back up and I'll just start the whole process over again. Yeah that sounds horrible

[00:12:10] I'm so sorry uh yeah I I totally feel you on that one because I yeah I've been in the same boat yeah um yeah it's not fun at all um how about you Gabby do you do that too?

[00:12:26] Oh yeah all right again I was like that was a joke why don't have a very developed sense of humor so it takes me a minute. No no no you don't.

[00:12:38] Yeah a thousand percent it's like oh man even if I perceive somebody as being mad at me or slightly annoyed or you know whatever it is it's like well let's just replay that one more time

[00:12:53] one more time one more just one like seven more times yeah and then 12 more times and then a million more times yeah and then three hours passes yeah three hundred passes and I could have been scrolling on Instagram and that honestly would have been more productive.

[00:13:11] Yeah this is where the line between OCD and ADHD for me blurs because at least what I had what I had learned about ADHD is the really high amount of rejection sensitivity.

[00:13:25] Yes. Yeah and that's something I was always dealt with since I was a kid just very very very sensitive to any sort of rejection and that's when I would have those ruminations

[00:13:36] and I guess it's you know a lot of people with ADHD struggle with that like that's where a lot of their anxieties come from is perceived by bands and manner rejection or yeah.

[00:13:49] Yeah a thousand percent and also like just for me total bewilderment as to what the social rules are in a situation like being in school as a young kid or whatever and then like not picking up on something and then being called weird or whatever yeah you too.

[00:14:10] Even now I'm like oh did I is that did I just say something that's not normal or you know and then I'll it's just yeah so then you replay it because you're trying to learn the rule.

[00:14:23] Yes yeah like what was it what was the thing that I said so I can make sure I don't say that again. Yes etc etc yeah. Do you also maybe do you have a bit of um are you hyper attuned

[00:14:38] to everything that's happening in a situation? Yes I a little hyper aware. Yes yep definitely hyper vigilant about everything and especially about other people like always reading everyone and every you know I think that's why I get extra sensitive about things that because I'm

[00:14:57] reading I read into them usually I'll make assumptions about whatever um and I think that maybe I have ADHD look it's sounding it's like it's like setting up here uh huh I mean

[00:15:11] Maeve and I are making it sound so cool but I guess I don't want to do it again. Do you want to join the class? But um the deadline has passed so sorry.

[00:15:21] Unfortunately yeah we can get you in on something else you know like maybe some manic behaviors or something but unfortunately oh my god yeah the application process is closed so yeah the hyper attentiveness and then because okay this is like as a young person with ADHD it was

[00:15:49] like all right uh I have some impulsivity a little bit but there's also daydreaming that tends to be how girls you know like show their ADHD-ness and so then I'll miss a social cue

[00:16:01] and then I'm called weird or I perse and then I'm like okay well then I really need to pay attention to make sure I don't do that again because I hated being called weird right the

[00:16:12] rejection sensitivity and then I feel like the OCD steps up to the plate and is like listen you want to control a situation let me tell you how we're going to do this first of all we're

[00:16:24] going to replay this situation a bajillion more times so that we've extracted every possible bit of information from it so that it does not happen again in your lifetime and on top of that

[00:16:36] I'm just going to tell you if you think about a purple dragon for like I don't know 18 hours a day nothing bad is going to happen to you I'm just going to throw that in as a bonus as your OCD

[00:16:47] right now and then it just kind of spirals from there yeah that's I feel like I used to get in trouble sometimes whenever I wouldn't tell me this lack of focusing or daydreaming or whatever that was

[00:16:59] always when I got in trouble yes and then that was what caused the even then I got really paranoid and upset about getting in trouble and then I would you know so it just it leads to

[00:17:10] a cycle um but I always felt like the or even if it wasn't me getting in trouble it was me embarrassing myself like you said it was always the root of it was always me not paying attention not focusing

[00:17:22] on missing something yes totally which I wonder either did school just always come easily to you or was school another way where you got to show that like you could be functional do you

[00:17:36] know what I mean yeah I feel like it was school was easy for me where I just I mean I would always just teach myself stuff like I never pay I could never pay attention that's why there were certain classes

[00:17:51] and this didn't happen until college where I realized my methods were not going to work here yes yes a thousand percent yes reminder to never do this again because I would take I mean

[00:18:05] you sometimes I would I mean I took this one class it was like a logic class hand it misery just because it was just required too much of me on a day-to-day and I can't function well in those

[00:18:17] sorts of classes that I can't I have to just learn it later or I have to write a paper later like there has to be something like that and but still I'm I don't know it's not like by the grace

[00:18:27] of God I did fine I don't know because I remember learning it all at the last minute but there was times where this was not like that took the coding class no absolutely no I can't do coding

[00:18:38] because you can't get away with this sort of shit in a coding class and I was miserable you have to actually be paying attention and like learning as you go now I can't do that

[00:18:49] no and okay I just want to say I also tried to teach myself code by doing like I took a couple of classes I did a couple of online classes but some of the ones in person it was like

[00:19:02] the combination of so much repetition which makes my brain turn off and pay attention to anything else and then all of a sudden the introduction of new information in a quick way

[00:19:15] that I would lose because I wasn't paying attention in that moment and then I would be so far behind and so perplexed by the whole thing and embarrassed to embarrass to raise my hands because I knew it

[00:19:27] was because of me that I stopped paying attention yes yeah and I felt this way also is econ I hated econ first of all is a 600 person lecture hall immediately unable to no I mean please I mean

[00:19:46] I just didn't I didn't even go most of the time I'll say fuck that yeah it's not I can't learn and that's already in the fight on it and then I'd be relying on and the guy I mean the person

[00:19:56] teaching it was like I mean monotone he would use the worst examples couldn't even try to make it interesting and and so I'm left with the book which I don't know I don't understand and then I was just

[00:20:07] it was a same nightmare over and over again I don't know I just don't know I don't get it I don't respect the first that was the first time that I was like oh my god I can't I'm struggling to

[00:20:17] teach myself this material yes yeah yes so there were just certain things and then I gave up and then I started getting panic attacks when I would take exams because of this I would be

[00:20:28] like I don't I would just would start having panic attack the second it started um and I was able to breathe my way out of it but I would lose like 10 minutes because I'm just have to sit there

[00:20:38] like I would try putting my pencil to the paper and it would like I couldn't write because I was just completely panicking so after and that I developed that issue in the middle

[00:20:48] of college so after that I was like I'm never taking another exam again and I didn't because I was like no thanks clearly we don't we don't work well together but a paper where I'm in control

[00:21:02] that's okay but yeah yeah that's that's like the interesting thing about learning in schools even in college higher education like there is this like very singular approach but everybody comes at it from different angles you know yeah like I do well when I'm I'm

[00:21:25] when I'm learning in the process I accidentally turned my mic off there um when I um when I'm actually doing something yeah not just being kinesthetic learner yeah yeah and being talked at is always

[00:21:40] like okay so I did my senior thesis a little bit on this it was also mainly to get women to stay in STEM throughout college um but 80 percent of people can learn auditorily alone 90 percent of people can learn visually and 100 motherfucking percent can learn kinesthetically

[00:22:07] and yet we only teach auditorily in school and it makes like sometimes you'll get a teacher who's a little more visual sometimes you'll get one who's like more project based you can do like by doing

[00:22:20] but it frustrates the shit out of me yep because I'm like well we're just leaving people to feel stupid when truly what's happening is the system is failing them yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I always

[00:22:38] that's why i'm a math and science tutor but oh nice I always felt this way in school like I didn't feel stupid because I felt like well I'm still doing fine but I felt like school's not meant for me

[00:22:51] which is why I developed a hatred of school because yes I just didn't feel like it was my style of learning and again I would until I got to some really difficult classes and situations

[00:23:04] me teaching myself the thing at the last hour was working out and it was enough um yep and then I realized like I would always play these games and this leads to imposter syndrome and you're

[00:23:15] feeling like oh am I just a fraud and no one has caught on yet and maybe I was because you know at some points it did catch up to me but I would just like try to do the bare minimum

[00:23:24] we have to write a paper I'm like well what if I do a project instead and it's like a it's like a self you know it's going to be me learning about myself and like I would always

[00:23:32] try to cut corners and offer to do something that was not you know not reading the book or instead of writing my senior thesis I did like an experiential project any way to get out of doing the thing that required a lot of planning and a lot of

[00:23:47] steps yes because I hated that if I could just do it my own way so sounds like you guys really a thousand percent yeah absolutely I do want to correct you and say that wasn't you cutting

[00:24:04] corners that was you modifying a system that wasn't made for you so that it worked for you yeah absolutely that's brilliant right there truly okay I like that better than my way I was like that's not cutting corners well you're literally reinventing it but you're

[00:24:21] talking your top you are cutting corners yes if you're not doing it the way yeah if you're not doing it the incredibly boring by rote with gurgitating dates and numbers information way oh my god which is like it's like standardized testing it's like oh my god

[00:24:42] I just had this conversation with somebody the other day about how much I hated standardized testing and again I don't know sometimes I would do well sometimes I wouldn't but I'd never studied

[00:24:53] I couldn't study for the stupid thing I just was like I feel like and that was lazy you don't want to study for the SAT you're lazy oh yeah that was one of my faves and I don't you

[00:25:10] know I don't know I just I couldn't get myself to sit down because it's you're learning how do you not learning the material you already maybe know most of stuff you have to learn how to take

[00:25:20] the test I don't want to do yes I just do that yes this is like my least favorite thing the tutor is the AC and the SAT because they're like oh I think I need test taking strategies

[00:25:34] and I'm like cool I will give you the name and number of other tutors because I like when I would try to study or even take those tests I would spend 20 minutes on one stupid problem because

[00:25:48] I had to know what the answer was and then I would run out of time for the rest of it and there's no like studying for a test seems so stupid studying to figure out how they word

[00:26:00] things to figure out their tricks to blah blah blah my brain just keeps screaming how is this useful in the real world and the answer is it's fucking not that just seems like such a waste

[00:26:16] of time to me instead of I don't know I'm not saying I have a way to test people better on what they actually know but this just seems like first of all you need to dedicate a lot of time

[00:26:27] to learn how to take it and do well and I didn't have the time I mean I was like trying to do a million other things you were literally trying to teach yourself the information from all of the

[00:26:37] classes that you just sat through right yeah that was it yeah yeah you were doing school times too yeah this is like one might because I specialize in neurodiverse students that's they're like my

[00:26:52] favorite because I'm like yeah I get it but when they won't use their accommodations for like testing they won't do time and a half they won't go to a quiet place they won't you know like

[00:27:05] wear headphones when they're allowed to wear headphones during the test like whatever it is and then I'll say why didn't you do it and they'll say because basically what they say is I want to be

[00:27:15] normal I don't want to have to need these things and I feel like I'm cheating I feel like I'm lazy I feel like I am gaming the system in some way and then my metaphor is always the same

[00:27:30] which is like dude you're trying to play baseball with both your hands tied behind your back and let me tell you everybody else is using both hands to pick up the stupid bat to hit the stupid

[00:27:42] ball and then to catch it in a glove so for you to just be out here playing with just your mouth and trying to I don't know hold a bat and hold yourself to the same standards like

[00:27:54] I get where you're coming from but it's stupid stop doing that use your accommodations that's pep talk by Gabby yeah and that that's you know I never had any of those accommodations again

[00:28:09] because of the whole thing we were talking about like I wasn't I was not like I knew people who did have them people who were diagnosed with ADHD earlier and I did not relate to them at all

[00:28:20] and so that's why that the lack of um what am I trying to say like the fact that we don't really meet people where they are and see how they fit into this criteria we just like everybody has

[00:28:34] to be the same I feel like you miss a lot of people that could benefit from these sorts of things and that's how yeah I always felt yes and you totally remove so much creativity

[00:28:49] from these very like uptight uh fields like economics like any of the hard sciences you truly like by not allowing like I think god had an awesome quantum mechanics professor the second quantum mechanics class because the first one was taught by a string theorist and

[00:29:14] and nobody understood a word he was saying but they all pretended like they did because they were assholes but the second one I used to cry during class quietly looking out the window and I remember

[00:29:27] he like called me out at one point was like am I boring you like whatever and I couldn't even bring myself to tell him like I don't understand a fucking thing that is happening during class

[00:29:38] and I have to go home and study for five hours a night just to piece together some of what we discussed in class but thank god for the final project he allowed us to do anything creative so I wrote a

[00:29:54] children's book on a detective who died who like finds a simple harmonic oscillator or something I don't even remember at this point you know what I mean and then I got an a in the class

[00:30:07] but like truly the rest of my physics professors did not allow anything close to that so I barely squeaked by and I'm like what the shit man because it would be very beneficial if physics

[00:30:22] economics math all of these things had creative thinkers at the end of it but if you can't fit into that narrow this step then the next step then the next step then the next step linear

[00:30:35] then you know you either feel stupid you feel it imposter you drop out because you know you get bad grades like whatever it is as opposed to what you were saying before which is how do these people

[00:30:48] add to it still right what do what do these people have to bring to the table you know yeah yeah cool so we fixed education today and now good for us the point of the park yeah

[00:31:09] oh I was gonna ask you ma'am do you have because one of my main compulsions because of like the pure OCD the intrusive thoughts is avoidance do you ever experience avoidance as a compulsion

[00:31:23] hmm I can you can you tell me more about like how we how that works I don't I've never even thought of it I mean it sounds like something I probably do but like a void oh my god tell me

[00:31:38] tell me no as soon as you said that all thoughts of it left my brain I can't think of a fucking you're now avoiding all the thoughts my brain is like never mind

[00:31:53] do a jazz dance because in my brain when you said avoidance I'm thinking more of it in terms of an ADHD context like avoiding you know responsibility kind of because it's overwhelming to you but I

[00:32:06] don't know I don't know what it's like in from the compulsion standpoint I take it back literally my brain is so blank right now it sounds like you're avoiding thinking about it well no I'm an imposter I don't have avoidance

[00:32:24] I just wanted to sound cool oh well okay well I really want to know what it is now but let me tell you this is one this is I pulled up the ybox because I couldn't remember most of these things but

[00:32:35] um something that I do that I I did not know this was a compulsion is the the need to tell ask or concess I don't know if this is relatable but that is like I that that alone like sometimes

[00:32:52] takes over my life because I feel like it's tied to um you know a lot of my obsessions are about like I told you this not feeling like a good person or like am I a good person is this

[00:33:03] the right thing to do well is there something wrong with me like whatever and then that leads to this like checking in with people making sure I get validation from like everybody even if I don't

[00:33:12] even want their validation it's just like this need um anyways that's not about avoidance but that is something that I feel like I had no idea that was a related to OCD but it's something

[00:33:26] that I do on a daily basis with everybody it's similar to researching because it's seeking reassurance yes reddit is is a I have a love pay relationship with it because I will go I will

[00:33:38] look for people to validate exactly how I'm feeling on there and then to start scrolling for hours so yes it's the good end it's also really bad it is it's it's where you I mean that's the

[00:33:49] same thing with researching like it's like that fine line is it am I really curious like this is the question I now ask myself am I really curious about the subject or am I trying to confirm like something and if I'm trying to confirm something then I'm like

[00:34:06] going okay then I ask the question like a little question and I go do I need to confirm this right now and then I just kind of kind of let it go and usually this is like lately because I've been

[00:34:16] through a lot of other therapies but um lately it's been kind of like evaporating but I can feel like when I feel like something is becoming disordered like I'm looking up way too much stuff

[00:34:26] really um and it's you know and the other thing the thing for me is that I'll start to notice that I'll look up the same things over and over again yes so that's another hint wow okay there

[00:34:36] could be something that's yeah like if you're looking for the same question and maybe in a different variety then you're like okay this might be OCD but it's not easy it's not easy

[00:34:48] you fall into that hole it's compulsions are hard well because you get a high from it right you get a good feeling that's what I was gonna say it's like it makes me feel so much better

[00:34:59] once I look all this stuff up or I call whoever and yeah but then that's the part of the cycle it makes you feel bad too at the end and then I keep doing okay yes that's all right that's a hmm dude maybe you might have OCD

[00:35:18] I like when my therapist tells me that too when I try to convince him like I'm like I don't have OCD like I don't have enough OCD like but it and he'll ask me a few questions based off of what we just discussed he goes you have OCD

[00:35:34] I know something I have that too wait I'm so curious you before you mentioned something about how your therapist often won't confirm something okay I'm really I don't know if this is what you

[00:35:44] mean but I have an issue with my therapist and maybe this is good maybe it's bad my psychiatrist too they'll be like yeah and the problem is they're the ones introducing this idea they're like well

[00:35:53] you know BPD like borderline is this not enough but but I'm not I think it's not important that we diagnose it's not important that we put a label I'm like well what the fuck you're the one break and shit up and now I would like to know because

[00:36:11] but again this overlaps with ADHD you know CDL look well which one which one do I have or do I just have everything I'd really like and they never they really hate to and then

[00:36:21] one time she was like yes you're uh basically said I think you are on the like autism spectrum and I'm like okay it's like you should you should get like a test you should do that whole test

[00:36:32] like I forget what they call it it's a neuropsych evaluation because she said because again I don't want to I don't want to say for sure I'm like so I'm gonna go spend four thousand dollars

[00:36:42] for someone to tell me that I'm mentally ill or autistic or both or whatever and like I already basically know that because why why can't you just tell me yeah the labels thing is so interesting I mean I don't want to take away because I also feel like

[00:37:04] it is the therapist not wanting to give reassurance yes which is a huge damn thing but also I'm with you maybe it's like then why did you bring it up in the first place because I wasn't

[00:37:18] thinking about it and now I'm thinking about it yeah now it's in my head now it's part of your research cycle yeah exactly it's it's part of your PhD that you're getting to nowhere

[00:37:33] but I also like the thing is like I did have a really good OCD therapist for a while who was like listen most of these diagnoses like most of the DCSM wait no that's my DSM

[00:37:54] thank you thank you and that is the big book of all the mentals I think is the technical term for it but in there like she was saying it gets revised you know every couple of years or something like

[00:38:11] that because one there's new information and two there are so many diagnoses have the same symptoms right like so many things from ADHD can also show up as OCD can also show up as BPD

[00:38:26] can also show up as choose your acronym right yeah and then she was like also most of these things are comorbid they exist at the exact same time which is why like if you're anxious more than likely

[00:38:39] you're depressed right and if you have ADHD the odds that you were depressed and have anxiety it's like the the Venn diagram is one circle you know what I mean yeah and then on top of that

[00:38:51] like OCD and then on top of that blah blah blah blah and so she was like so the thing is labels are helpful like a diagnoses is helpful if it introduces like a new modality

[00:39:05] of therapy that you can explore to see if it's helpful for you but if you're just collecting you know all of these diagnoses then it's like again it's like I got a passport full of them

[00:39:18] and nobody wants to look at it at the party I'm sure all of them also it's interesting that you got the BPD I also got the BPD diagnosis by a therapist who then

[00:39:32] did not tell me that that's what she had diagnosed me with there was also a language problem and when I talked to my other therapist about it she was like you do not have that diagnosis

[00:39:47] so I went back to the original one it was my psychiatrist who had written it down in my file and because I'm a researcher I read my file yes and then so I went back to her and I was like

[00:40:00] hey you know I I've talked to other people that are professionals that do not think I have BPD and she said oh yeah I agree with that you got better and I was like no no

[00:40:15] personality disorders are not things that you get better from and certainly not in a year like what are you talking about and it was just you know it was a misdiagnosis that ended up in my file uh that she's since rescinded and I'm just like does that mean

[00:40:32] something like the fact that it's still in there but rescinded is that like are people going to treat me differently in the medical profession because of that you know it's like intrusive thought intrusive thought well but it's it's a it's a true thought right

[00:40:47] because in the medical field if somebody reads that they may they would definitely treat you differently yeah um I mean not that they should at all yeah it's a tough one that's

[00:40:59] some there's a lot of stigma with that one and that's why yes but and this is why like with the BPD thing it a lot of times they don't want to diagnose you or I guess you know sometimes they'll

[00:41:11] do it just willy nilly and I've heard that I had somebody once who was like well what I'm gonna say to insurance is a lot more serious than what I'm gonna tell you like what are you saying

[00:41:20] to and like what are you talking about what are you gonna uh what's happening here what are you gonna tell them I'm what hey what's happening so it's just anxiety that's horrifying I'm like whoa

[00:41:34] but well I mentioned this earlier that there's this almost no um BPD or CPTSD complex PTSD are almost indistinguishable CPTSD isn't even in the DSM but now it's you know by it's like

[00:41:51] but the the symptoms are almost exactly the same but one is a personality disorder and one is PTSD so like even something as serious which has a lot of stigma as a personality disorder could really be

[00:42:03] just so that's why a lot of time my psychiatrist and therapist will say well you sit the Christ or are you um you know you sit the criteria for this illness but I'm not gonna have to

[00:42:14] diagnose you with it which I think is interesting um we it always leaves me with more questions a thousand percent I'm like so what's the point of any addition like you don't even it doesn't matter

[00:42:28] but I guess what you said is you know it helps with a new if it introduces a new treatment and that's point I guess yeah yeah if they if they do if they um so what might so I interchange

[00:42:40] therapist with psychiatrist I go see I see a psychiatrist um he likes to not reassure me about things because one of my things that I do uh one of my fun things that I do is that I think I have

[00:42:52] other things you know like because you know and I think I've mentioned this in another last or not last but a while ago um I thought I had autism for a long time still do every now and then

[00:43:04] it's it's an intrusive thought it's not like a super negative thought it's just more of a confirmation thought yes you know a needing to know like kind of like what you were saying

[00:43:14] like needing to know the definition needing to know this needing to know exactly what this is it's just like me saying oh I might have ADHD you know but it's but then I know that when

[00:43:25] I go through the symptoms um some of the symptoms are actually from OCD well and they just present similar to ADHD exactly and so yeah and ADHD and autism as well a lot of overlap oh yeah yeah but

[00:43:40] there's like a whole what do they call it it's like odd ADHD or something like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah this is why my this is what my therapist said to me and I did not introduce the idea of

[00:43:51] autism which again I don't care because I know there's such a huge spectrum like I mean whatever oh yeah she was like yes you know I think um as we were talking about ADHD and she said

[00:44:01] you're a neurodiverse for sure and you're somewhere on the on the spec I'm like what you know what is this what is the significance of this you know and apparently like she couldn't even distinguish

[00:44:15] between whether it would be ADHD or odd ADHD or autism or I mean it's a lot of the time it just seems like figuring out exactly what it is with probably isn't even possible it's not helpful in

[00:44:29] certain cases yeah yeah it's I think I think what this is really telling us is that no matter what our diagnosis is um it's just you know how we challenge ourselves to um be uh create the

[00:44:48] life that we want you know like at first I used to go like be normal yep like yeah my goal always was like to be normal and I'm like but then I kind of thought about it I was like but I don't want

[00:45:01] to be normal you know like I whatever normal is you know if it even exists and I think at the end it's more about creating the life that suits us you know where we thrive that's what's

[00:45:16] most important unless there is something that needs to be helped with like for example if somebody did have autism and it did affect their daily life to function and take care of themselves which

[00:45:27] again you know on the extreme side of the spectrum um you know that's a big deal if somebody has major depressive episode you know that's something that's really important but then I'm not trying to undermine like our our plight in lives but it's just like it's almost

[00:45:42] like I have to convince myself like maybe I don't need to know no like some things you know like be okay with that kind of like not knowing yeah yeah with the unknown on something you know

[00:45:55] that's very uh exposure for OCD being okay with the unknown then I hate it you might have OCD yeah I might have OCD well are they best that's what happens when you go to

[00:46:09] the therapist you're like well what is it have these problems and that's why they don't want to like you said reinforce that but yeah yeah it's annoying but I think yeah so we've fixed psychiatry

[00:46:24] in therapy as well um nailed it we're just fixing all our problems today dude I think next up is is real Palestine or oh my gosh look at that we have to go we're out of time

[00:46:39] could have fixed it but uh yeah yeah that's the end of the podcast so and I looked up avoidance oh what is it oh so um from the government u.s government NIH oh website there's a lot of like

[00:46:57] NCBI NLM NIH oh yeah I just blew my brain that website it says avoidance behaviors are often prominent feature in OCD as patients attempt to avoid situations and stimuli that provoke obsessions distress um and time consuming rituals which also yeah can be like ADHD but it's like

[00:47:26] you know for my job search I have to do all these other things but I have so many intrusive thoughts about the job search that I'm like what if I just stayed in my terrible job instead yeah and didn't

[00:47:39] yeah do the thing that's hard yeah avoidance also is a is a um symptom of PTSD or it's one of those one of the behaviors that a lot of people do so I feel like it all yeah they're all probably

[00:47:52] related um yeah yeah yeah to avoid those triggers yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah I am I do have one I have one more question for you guys because I um sorry but uh I know one part of what I'm trying to say um

[00:48:10] certain behaviors like skin picking or like hair pulling or those things can be part of OCD I'm curious if you guys have any experience with this because I didn't know this yeah yeah yeah

[00:48:23] go ahead yes I'm sorry are you talking about trictotillomania oh yes hair pulling and I know there are others I don't do that specifically but skin picking and like nail biting which a lot of

[00:48:36] people do and I remember I when I was younger and I just could not stop still can't stop but I when I was looking into it it was talked about as something as an OCD um behavior yeah which I think

[00:48:50] is interesting that's a combustion yeah mm-hmm yeah I have the hair pulling one yeah it's interesting because it's like the thick hairs that are real kinky because I have curly hair those have to go

[00:49:00] but also the thin ones that are kind of straight those also have to go so they all have to go so right it basically it's a everything must go fire sale sorry Heather what are we gonna say

[00:49:10] no no no I was just gonna say like um I uh I don't I haven't been officially like like diagnosed or whatever but I do like when I'm in a stressful situation pick my face a little bit or my arms

[00:49:23] and I didn't realize I was doing it until I started exposures and started realizing oh I I do this but I don't do it to a degree that's more severe than my other um compulsions that makes

[00:49:35] sense because some people do skin picking and they're like it's it's visible um you know and I do not have that I think it I don't know why it manifests if it's a nervous thing um because it's self soothing

[00:49:49] it is yes absolutely I can see that for you Maeve is it like do you pick to the point of blood at all yeah so that was gonna say for me I and I go through waves that being worse but I really

[00:50:03] will like riff all the skin off my fingers like around the nail bed and it's like bloody and the thing is it gets really painful so even though I can't stop doing it then it because it can be so

[00:50:17] sore and also it does not look pretty it looks bad yeah and I'm like I've always been really embarrassed about it but at the same but that is not enough for to get me to stop doing it I have

[00:50:31] tried everything for this as you know like every sort of nail I mean whatever it should be put on your nails to stop biting them and like it it persists yeah I have a prediction oh which is

[00:50:49] if and when you go more into your OCD therapy and the more that starts to be in recovery the less you're gonna go after your fingers because it is a full-on soothing thing right like

[00:51:05] for me if I'm if I'm in a state of heightened anxiety especially over a couple of days or you know there's just something coming up that I'm worried about then I will find myself

[00:51:16] pulling my hair more right and truly uh you also kind of hit the nail on the head for something else which is the only way I can get myself to stop is vanity so I make sure that I

[00:51:28] don't pluck from my hairline because I already think I have a five head instead of four head uh I will pluck back further so that you can't see it and I won't like it's very typical for

[00:51:41] trick to telemania to be in one specific spot on the head so you end up with like bald spots and stuff like that or some people will pick out their eyebrows or their eyelashes but again I just

[00:51:54] I'm just too pretty you know so yeah we do not have a five head no you don't that's because I have bangs thank you I've seen you without bangs your bangs are cute though yeah they're very

[00:52:10] I like them thank you thank you good this is a good place to end on guys let's just keep the compliments going towards you and my bangs you're beautiful perfect just keep it to the banks sorry

[00:52:20] if don't overstep help my coffee I need it I'm just trying to control your compliments there's nothing wrong with that um well before we head out because I know we've been talking for a while um like a long

[00:52:34] while I just realized but this is this has been a great conversation by the way I've been enjoying this thoroughly but I really want to hear like the things that you're working on in your creative life

[00:52:45] Maeve you know that you might want to like talk about or you know anything that you're working on allude to absolutely yes speaking metaphor about yeah always working on a lot of things

[00:52:59] that will likely never see the light of day but I am yeah I am working I am working on a documentary it's actually one that I started when I was when I was still in school um it was part of my senior

[00:53:14] thesis that I been abandoned when I graduated but I am actually nice back at it so I'm gonna start filming again and yeah my goal is to finally get it finished so that's great yeah stay tuned

[00:53:31] maybe maybe uh probably not won't be done till like next year but I do have a goal to really finish it so that's my current that's my biggest project that I'm working on right now yeah I mean

[00:53:42] that's pretty freaking huge especially since it like encompasses years and you know many life experiences in the meantime can you do you want to say like what it's about yeah yeah no no I was

[00:53:57] just gonna say that because it's kind of rel I mean it's relevant to what we were talking about but it started the year oh sorry it's my dog it started the year after um my mom died and it was

[00:54:07] about well because I was a sociology major so it had to have somewhat of a sociological lens but it was about a sudden death and in grief and how that impacts identity and families and now

[00:54:22] because I did a lot of filming that and now it's obviously been a few years um which I hope will be good for the story like look at what's happened over time

[00:54:32] um but it's looking at now it's looking more at like trauma um and how the trauma from that experience impacts those things so yeah that sounds fascinating and I cannot wait for it yeah yeah me too and I'm

[00:54:49] also yeah exactly it's seriously as like an ADHD person all the other acronym things the fact that you're picking this back up again is so admirable and I am jealous that you're doing it like that's

[00:55:08] so freaking cool dude yeah thank you and I it was it's one of those things I was giving me a lot of I was having a lot of shame over the fact that I had never finished this project which I there are a

[00:55:19] lot of unfinished projects but this one in particular because of the subject I think it was like how can I not uh ever do anything with this and you know I struggled at the time that when I was in school

[00:55:30] because I had a professor or whatever and I graduated I finished the requirements of the class but he was like you must finish this like I want to help you finish it and I was like I just can't

[00:55:40] I can't it was too much yeah and yeah a lot I mean he didn't understand it but a lot of people just don't understand something some some things some projects it's just you can't do it at that moment

[00:55:54] like it's taking too much yeah emotional or whatever sort of energy and I was not in the space to deal with it yeah I mean having distance is really good yeah um for those things you know

[00:56:05] especially things that are really close to you but need to be you know like made in whatever you know to be shared yeah that's great I'm glad you're doing it yeah yeah

[00:56:16] are you doing any improv or anything these days uh I I did take a class with Shannon actually in person in person I'm so jealous in person oh yeah but right she's in New York and she was like you have

[00:56:31] to come and do a class I'm like I can't sorry I can't I'm terrified I was really I had only ever done improv on zoom so are you serious I was so terrified dude you're so good oh thank you that's amazing

[00:56:51] thank you I tried but I did do it in person I mean it's kind of pricey to constantly do these classes but every once in a while I want to take an in person one so I can just stay

[00:57:00] fresh with it because it is different obviously doing it in person I did kind of enjoy doing it on zoom like there were some fun elements of it a lot of people knock the zoom improv but they were so

[00:57:11] hard to be that were really fun my opinion I agree I think you can like get into like the character more and like an emotional way and in person it's the interaction physically is very cool but

[00:57:27] yeah it's just different yeah it's very different as the kids say it just hits different I believe that is what the kids say Heather have I been talking over you did you want to say something

[00:57:45] no okay great no you're just making that up yeah yeah well I just wanted to say thank you so much Maeve I this has been a phenomenal conversation I don't know how short Heather's gonna be able to

[00:58:02] make this pod it might have to be a couple of episodes but I would definitely want to have you come back because I feel like I would love that this was really fun yeah thank you for having

[00:58:13] it's been really fun and deep yeah it's been yeah actually really and I would like oh go ahead no I was gonna say I would really like to hear about your progression with ADHD and OCD therapy yes

[00:58:28] you know it'd be nice to hear where you land and how things are going yeah I'll have to come back for an update yeah yes I mean cool cool cool sounds like totally casual about it playing

[00:58:39] hard to guess it's fine um so this is the end of the episode thank you thank you so much Maeve for coming on here thank you Heather for being fantastic as always thank you Gabby for just

[00:58:57] the voice of an angel yeah thank you both this is awesome thank you Maeve yeah this is and don't forget to check out our show notes to learn more about Maeve 40 and other things that

[00:59:21] we discussed on the podcast welcome to the end of the show this is Gabby Blackman and this is Heather Nye thank you for listening to comically exposed we're just a little show with two creators

[00:59:33] who edit and produce each episode we appreciate all your support if you like what you heard please follow us on instagram at comicallyexp.podcast that's c-o-m-i-c-a-l-l-y-e-x-p.podcast oh and check out our website at comicallyexposed.com that's one word comicallyexposed.com where you can contact us

[00:59:59] by text or even leave a voice message or subscribe to us on apple podcast spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts new episodes drop every other wednesday also special thanks to track club and

[01:00:12] golden finch for providing the music thanks for listening and hey everybody today is a great day to expose yourself okay until next time in your face Miriam