Episode 22

[00:00:07] [SPEAKER_03]: Welcome to Comically Exposed Episode 22. If you are new, we are a podcast equivalent of a Venn diagram

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_03]: erratically located somewhere between OCD, mental health and comedy. I'm Heather Nye and my co-host is

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_03]: Gabbie Blachman. So stoked on this intro.

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_03]: And we have a very and thank you, I should just say thank you. We have a very special interview

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_03]: episode with an incredibly talented person. They're an actor, musician, dancer, writer,

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_03]: and producer. And if you are in the Brooklyn area or in the great city of New York,

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_03]: you can probably catch them performing with Discount, Duty Free Live, Comedy Burlesque, Boogie Manja,

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_03]: Bar None, Improv, D&D, RJ Isstifer, Super Casual and they are the founder of the

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_03]: Sketch Comedy Collective sponsored by give a big warm welcome to Christopher Marucci.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_03]: Hi, thank you all so much for having me. I should have given you a shorter bio.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_04]: No way. That was awesome.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_03]: No, it was amazing. I loved it. That's why I had to read it.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_05]: Okay, right off the bat question. So discount is it pronounced Disco out or is it discount?

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: This is a question that we've realized with our branding is a problem.

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_01]: We say discount so much so that sometimes when people see it written for the first time,

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Disco is in the word discount. That's why we say disco a lot in both the title and the show.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Essentially, it's a 70s themed variety show where we're doing a tribute to the 1970s but

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_01]: we don't understand what that means so we get everything wrong. That's amazing.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_03]: I've seen clips. It is amazing. See you live.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_05]: Are you guys planning on coming on the West Coast anytime soon?

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Literally as soon as the West Coast asks for it, we'll be there. Drop of a hat. We'll get there.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_05]: Consider this the West Coast saying please come down. I have no money. I have no venue for you

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_05]: but like let's make this work. You know what I mean? We'll make it happen. Exactly. Party

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_05]: at Gabby's house. That's great and FYI I'm moving into a studio apartment so everybody's

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_05]: excited. Party at Gabby's studio apartment. Who likes having people in their personal space?

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_05]: All right so Christopher, welcome to the pod. I wanted to ask about your mentals

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_05]: if that's okay. We have various flavors here and would you be cool with telling us some

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: flavors that you have? Absolutely. So pretty early on in my life cycle was diagnosed with

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: something that's called depression. Woot over here. It came tied along with some chronic

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: illness that I was going through when I was a teenager so that's a little outside of the

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_01]: mentals but connected through the whole body thing and dealing with chronic illness there

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_01]: then also my therapist loves to talk to me about my undiagnosed ADHD in a way that she's pointing

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: it out in a way that's really diagnosing it but not quite labeling it in any way. It's fun.

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_05]: That's cool. When she brings it up is she like so I feel like you have ADHD.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Does she just trail off? Yeah, yeah. Just like a nice mumble. It's the mumble core version of

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_05]: a diagnosis. Which is so official you know? Yeah. Why is she just not like certified to

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_01]: tell you that that's what you have or what's up? No it's truly just like more of a way that I

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: process things. She's like oh I think this is something that will help you understand the way

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_01]: you're experiencing life but there's not really a problem that we think should be fixed.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_01]: It's more that way like helping me frame the way that I feel about things as opposed to

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_01]: me seeing a problem with the way that I'm like processing things. Yeah, that's so real.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_05]: I just started seeing an ADHD therapist. I was diagnosed as six years old. Please hold

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_05]: your applause. Hell yeah. But like instead of being put on medication or having therapy

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_05]: for it I just got held back in kindergarten so it's fine. But yeah most of my therapy

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_05]: sessions are me being like is the reason that I'm doing this particular behavior does it have

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_05]: anything to do with ADHD and then her going oh yes it does and then me going that's nice.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_05]: I like that because now I have friends who also do it you know? Yeah. Oh absolutely.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: The other day I had a friend come over and she because I was helping her on a project

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_01]: and she walked into my room and she's like this is and she has never talked to me about ADHD

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: before. She's like this is the like dream room for an ADHD person and I was like whoa okay

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_01]: come at me faster than as soon as she walked in just because everything's set up so that I

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_01]: can literally hop between ideas like I just need to turn and I can do a completely different

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: thing. Yes, wow. And which has to do with something that I deal with called perfectionism

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_01]: that is a like a strong trait where I end up like I'll I will slam my head against a wall

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_01]: for hours if something is not right but if I can just convince myself to do literally anything

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_01]: else then like all of that starts to like abate and it's just gone from my mind and I'm

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: like okay so I'm always I'm cooking with nine pots on the fire is the way that my brain likes

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_01]: to work and a way that I can process just anything. Yes, I think your therapist might be

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_05]: something. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. She's pretty good at it. Also just like the visual aspect of your room which is

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_05]: like an ADHD thing we don't like cabinets we don't like drawers we don't like things where you

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_05]: can't see the stuff inside because then it ceases to exist. Oh absolutely oh my god I

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01]: the back of my my drawers I literally I've only ever worn the three shirts that are on

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_01]: top of my top of my pile. Oh yes piles too thousand percent. Well it is a pile in a drawer but

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I do love laundry. Laundry is my favorite task. Really? Yeah, it is something that I've

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I have had conversations with where people are like it is shocking how much you like to do

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01]: laundry Christopher and it's just every Tuesday you'll see me at my laundromat and I'm just

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_05]: in a way folded and okay but I so it's like a structure yeah like a structure routine oh yeah

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_05]: and then do you find it kind of like meditative like you have something to do but your brain can

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of like go oh yeah oh yeah I love to like call people I have phone calls while I'm

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: doing laundry or listen to podcasts. I'm a very auditory person and so I always like

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: to have different like things going for different sensory purposes like if I'm doing

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_01]: something that is physical I will like to be taking in something uh auditorily or if I'm

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_01]: watching something I can do something that like if it's word-based if I'm reading I can listen to

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_01]: music that is just instrumentals I can't take in like two of the same thing but I can take

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_01]: in multiple different things at once and then it makes it all easier if they are like not

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_04]: clashing with each other. Interesting that makes so much sense yes. Oh my god I really I

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_01]: would have known about the ADHD the little oh my god ADHD thing when I was a teenager because I

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_01]: would literally I would be playing a video game I'd have my computer open with Hulu on it and I

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_01]: would be listening to music all at the same time like I would be watching TV playing a game

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and listening to music and my parents would walk in and they'd be like what is going on

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_01]: because it sounded like I was having a party and it was just me because there was multiple

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_03]: different things and oh oh that's incredible. That's how I would describe it to me it is because

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_03]: it's like I like to focus on one thing at a time but of course I don't have I don't know

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_03]: if I have ADHD. I mean I don't either. No but Gabby has diagnosed me multiple times.

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_05]: So I just like to give it away you know what I'm saying if I like a person I'll say

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_05]: you probably have ADHD you know. Yeah this one's for you yeah this one's yeah I'm like

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_05]: you can have this one for free but exactly join the cool kid table you know what I mean

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah we're doing a lot of stuff over here there's a clay project there's a recording

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_05]: studio it's all at the same lunch table don't worry about it. I was going to ask you about

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_05]: depression when was the first time you had like a depressive episode? I think everything

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of tied into when I was first dealing with chronic illness so I was probably 13 14 when I

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_01]: first started I always got migraines as a kid like and just like debilitating migraines

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and just would knock me on my ass. Sorry also I don't know exactly what the language

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_05]: oh you can talk and say whatever you goddamn. We say fuck all the time.

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah okay cool I dealt with migraines the kind that had both like visual components I would feel

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_01]: sick just have to like sleep otherwise nothing would happen and then one day I woke up and it

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_01]: was a different sort of pain but it was still a headache but it was just like without the

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_01]: migraine aspects of it it was more just a concentrated like dull pain and then like that

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_01]: stayed. I would go to sleep and like stayed there for a while so and then through like

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_01]: a process of being in and out of hospitals was diagnosed with something called chronic daily

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_01]: headache which essentially just meant I always had a headache and it like really impacted

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_01]: everything in my life. I ended up having to drop out of school, I self-taught at home all

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_01]: these sorts of things was very isolated but while I was in the process of getting diagnosed

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_01]: for that I was over at the Mayo Clinic and like shout out to really good doctors but my

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_01]: favorite person there and the reason well one of the reasons why I later went on to study psychology

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_01]: was because it was the first time I interacted with a therapist somebody that was a psychologist

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_01]: was in there because they do a multifaceted approach where you're seeing different doctors

[00:10:43] [SPEAKER_01]: of different fields and the therapist was the person I never like related to somebody so much

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_01]: they really I felt like they saw me but they also were like I think you have depression.

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_01]: That was when I was first diagnosed with it and it was so clear especially at that time and

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_01]: all of adolescence was dealing with so many things going on but yeah.

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_05]: Wow. Whoa. Yeah sorry about that. Yeah please apologize for your lived experience

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_05]: especially when I asked you. I know. Point blank. So this is your fault really.

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_05]: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's all I wanted. That sucks. I am so sorry.

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_01]: You know like it's one of those parts of life. It is like I wouldn't say I've loved that experience

[00:11:32] [SPEAKER_01]: but definitely has been a part of who I am. Yeah. Do you still get the daily headaches?

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Sort of been living with the pain since then but it's been different like modalities of

[00:11:44] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of how I deal with it. When I was in high school there was a lot of like

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_01]: on like pretty hardcore like narcotic drugs just like painkillers that sort of thing.

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_01]: As soon as I could get off of those I did because I really felt like a zombie going

[00:12:00] [SPEAKER_01]: through life all the time like that and so a big part of my current like pain oh I'm losing

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_01]: the word for it but like my treatment regimen that I like will go about is mindfulness is

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_01]: a big part of like the approach and just being aware of it trying to like acknowledge

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_01]: it as something that is happening but not the focus of everything and allow myself to like

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_01]: move on to different parts. So as a teenager getting into mindfulness has been like a big

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_01]: shaping aspect of my whole life journey. Wow, that's incredible. Yeah man. Yeah,

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_03]: yeah. Mindfulness is like a big thing I mean for OCD as well. Before we started recording

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_03]: I meditated for a little bit because sometimes I don't stay present and so the way that I help

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_03]: myself like kind of guide myself to remain present is to meditate before to kind of focus

[00:12:55] [SPEAKER_03]: myself a little bit. And also I learned recently which is interesting because you didn't say the

[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_03]: word but I feel like it's the same word that you're trying to use or something like that

[00:13:05] [SPEAKER_03]: is acceptance because that's part of the mindful practice of acceptance but I learned

[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_03]: there's a distinction between what people use acceptance meaning I accept this, there's some

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_03]: sort of permanence in these acceptance versus the mindful approach which is accepting the moment

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_03]: and the emotion which is like totally different than how somebody goes you know like I have

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_03]: anxiety and I will always have anxiety you know and they think that's acceptance but in

[00:13:35] [SPEAKER_03]: reality it's not the version that they're trying to teach I guess with mindfulness.

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_01]: No absolutely I totally hear you on that and relate to that. It really makes me think back to

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I remember a moment that was sort of a turning point in my high school age where I was

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_01]: deciding like what I wanted my life to be because at that point I was basically just

[00:14:00] [SPEAKER_01]: at home all of the time isolated alone because both my parents worked like all day

[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_01]: different jobs and it was it was I didn't have any siblings around so it was just me

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_01]: and I was like is this the I know that this is the situation that I'm in but is this the life

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_01]: that I would like for myself? Is this what this is gonna be? And like deciding and moving from

[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_01]: there and actually like a lot of arts really is what like pushed me and opened me up to

[00:14:28] [SPEAKER_01]: like being more confident in myself and my ability to like move into the rest of life. Dance

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_01]: specifically was the first thing I did I got tricked into like taking a dance class and I'm

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_01]: small town Montana so like not a big arts education like opportunities there in general

[00:14:43] [SPEAKER_01]: but there was one dance studio in the town and I've sent out to Lewistown Montana the worst place

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01]: in the world. Sorry lots of feelings about that but there was a place called the dance syndicate

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_01]: there hadn't been a boy that had gone through the dance studio in like 10 years so they were

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_01]: offering like free dance classes to any boy that came because they just wanted to have

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_01]: like somebody to do like partnering stuff with the girls because there just truly had not been

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_01]: since the dance instructor's son a guy in the studio and so I went and took a class and then

[00:15:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I it immediately spiraled because I was like in free classes all the time I was dancing and

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I was like loving it and then uh they tricked me into then teaching like all boys tap classes

[00:15:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and jazz classes and so by the time I left we had like 13 little guys in the in the studio

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and they really like I loved it so much that's amazing that is amazing yeah absolutely

[00:15:43] [SPEAKER_05]: did we start with mindfulness on that yeah it all made sense it all made sense to me but

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah uh another thing with like OCD is uh and probably anxiety and a million other mental things

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_05]: is like what is the valued activity what is how do you want to be spending your life you know like

[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_05]: what is the thing like I hesitate to say goals because goals sounds so rigid and like grind

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_05]: culture but just like my my mind wants me to stay isolated my mind wants me to stay under the

[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_05]: covers my mind wants me to focus on the pain or whatever it is and I would actually like to

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_05]: be a dance I would like to be you know moving forward on a project or whatnot I don't know

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_05]: that's not related to mindfulness but I just started talking and there we were

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_03]: no but it is it is it is it is because it's it's it's uh it's very act um focus right um

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_03]: acceptance and commitment therapy commitment therapy why do I always remember like commitment

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_01]: acts acts therapy have you ever heard of that oh absolutely yeah I love I love me different

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_01]: therapy therapy modalities I'm a big fan of like CBT is what my therapist and I love to work on

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I love identifying thought processes this is what I'm thinking about this is what I'm

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_01]: ruminating on today let's see if I can stop that maybe who knows do you do some rumination

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: oh absolutely I definitely deal with anxiety and and and on the daily uh and so we like I

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I think a big part of that comes from like the major perfectionist ideals that are in my head

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: that I will get hung up on really minuscule things and it'll it'll just circulate in my

[00:17:40] [SPEAKER_01]: head until I can like break that process and it can be a struggle on many a day and you were

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_05]: saying that like sometimes you just kind of uh switch up the task that you're doing in order to

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: break that cycle does that work a lot or it's it's one of the best tools that I have just

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_01]: because I I genuinely like to do a lot of different things in the first place and so

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_01]: and it helps me feel fresh because it's like working out uh similar muscles but in different

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_01]: ways and so because like to make music and to write sketch comedy like they're different things

[00:18:18] [SPEAKER_01]: essentially but they are doing the same thing which is making something and so it like I'm

[00:18:24] [SPEAKER_01]: going through a different process to make something but I'm still like getting that joy

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that that energy that really like dopamine rush that I have identified that I seek I

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_02]: oh everything I do is for dopamine and oh boy that is an ADHD a little treat yes

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_05]: treat driving force reason to live you know whatever yeah

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_01]: if I oh I love a deadline more than anything else in the world

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I've not had as many like solid deadlines because I've tried to give myself space to

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_01]: like larger projects and boy do I feel like I'm in an abyss

[00:19:06] [SPEAKER_01]: without like my weekly where I'm like doing nine different things every week I feel crazy

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_05]: yes like even um like getting rid of laundry every week like how unmoored would you start

[00:19:21] [SPEAKER_05]: to feel if you didn't have like that routine you know yeah oh a couple weeks ago my schedule

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: did get changed around it because I had somebody stay with me and uh I literally was like I might

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_01]: die I've not done laundry I like I'm two days past my laundry day what's gonna happen

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah man like uh deadlines routines all that stuff which is interesting because like as an

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_05]: that's

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_05]: like two hours beforehand or I'm never gonna do it but even structures that I've put on myself

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_05]: even my own routine then I'm like well you know what I'm not going to aqua aerobics today

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_05]: even though I go every single day and then I pay the price because my mental's go down

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_01]: pretty quickly if I don't hang out with my students yeah I feel that the dance classes are

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_01]: that same way for me in my routine like I try to set something up that is like a weekly

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_01]: thing that is just for me and like one I do love specifically dance because it's so it's so your

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_01]: whole body your whole mind like everything is being used in it because my focus has to be on

[00:20:41] [SPEAKER_01]: like both learning and listening to the music and feeling and then also my entire body is

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: moving so like I can't be anywhere but that moment and so it really is something that is so

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_01]: perfect way to like cheat to get in the moment is to like take a dance class or like a physical

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_01]: like movement thing anything and I recommend dance because there's nothing better in the world

[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_01]: than like a dance class because you're around people you're all moving together and there's

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_01]: music oh it's there's something almost spiritual about like being in a room with people that are

[00:21:12] [SPEAKER_01]: all doing the same thing yes and having fun and it's not like the workout dance classes

[00:21:18] [SPEAKER_01]: are one thing but like a dance class where people are just like moving for the art of moving

[00:21:26] [SPEAKER_01]: that's incredible what kind of dance I right now I take a lot of like hip hop and house

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_01]: classes just because it's the kind of music that I love to listen to and it's fun like it's

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_01]: so much fun and it's such a social dance in in general because especially house it's all

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_01]: around like just social dancing and dancing together to essentially uh quick hip hop music

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_03]: it's very fun yeah do they do they do a routine in the beginning or do they teach you something

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_03]: or is it just you guys just moving to the music yeah so a lot like a lot of these classes

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_01]: that I take are are more choreography based so and this is another thing that's been great

[00:22:08] [SPEAKER_01]: for my brain is the structure of a dance class because usually there's like a warm-up

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_01]: at the top where you're stretching or doing like some grooves where you're just like getting your

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: body into it and then after that you will do like learn choreo and like if you you can

[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_01]: pop into any dance class and it's usually this structure unless of course it's like a social

[00:22:28] [SPEAKER_01]: class like there are different styles that will change but in this world it's usually like

[00:22:33] [SPEAKER_01]: warm-up uh learn uh choreo routine and then you just do it over and over again and like

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_01]: you learn sections of the dance you'll split into small groups and just do it and then you'll go back

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_01]: learn more you'll add on and then you'll do it again and it's just very circular

[00:22:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I it's so good for my brain and I was actually talking to somebody relatively recently about

[00:22:56] [SPEAKER_01]: like writing styles and whether or not we like to like plan like if it's a very linear

[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_01]: structure when we're writing and I realized that I write very circularly and I it was

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I did not have this realization myself but they were like I it's probably because you take so many

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_01]: dance classes and dance was the first thing that you found because in dance what you'll learn is

[00:23:15] [SPEAKER_01]: the first like steps the first bit of the combination you'll build out you'll go back

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: you'll start at the beginning and then you'll continue to grow it and then you'll start at

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_01]: the beginning again build out and it's just it keeps going that way and that is also how I like

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_01]: write music and usually write comedy I'll start with like one thing I'll build out a ways

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_01]: and then I'll go back to the start and like re-examine that and then continue on I always

[00:23:38] [SPEAKER_05]: I was very circular that must give like such an uh a interesting flow to like your comedy

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_05]: sketches because it's not it's not like you're like uh I have four jokes that I want to string

[00:23:52] [SPEAKER_05]: together to make a sketch it's like this thing flows into this thing organically goes into the

[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_05]: next thing organically goes into the next thing and I'm assuming those are jokes too

[00:24:02] [SPEAKER_01]: it's fun like I like it but it's also hard because I can never like

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I have such a hard time sitting down beforehand and beating something out like where I want it

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_01]: to go like it's that's such a struggle for me which is so hard in terms of sketch comedy

[00:24:17] [SPEAKER_01]: or like plot-based writing because you want to know where you're going but I like there's

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_01]: something about the like joy of being like oh oh this realization there that is kind of

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_01]: right here and that's going to change the next thing like as opposed to being like I want to get

[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_05]: to there yeah so I'm going to find my way there yes yeah uh I had an old comedy writing partner

[00:24:42] [SPEAKER_05]: and uh I came from an improv background and she came from a much more of like a theater

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_05]: you know writing background and I was like oh our writing styles are so different because

[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_05]: for me it's like if the dialogue starting then let's just keep flowing with the dialogue and

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_05]: you know what comes up is what gets put on the page like improv and for her it was like three

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_05]: or four pages of background on each character that was going to be in the sketch before we

[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_05]: write the sketch and I was like this is a good learning process for me and I hate it

[00:25:19] [SPEAKER_01]: so yeah oh I was just gonna say I do love a lesson where you actively

[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_01]: hate it as you're learning it those are my favorites totally oh I hate this

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_05]: this is not for me exactly I was like oh okay we're gonna check that off the list

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_05]: did it never need to do it again great so how did you get into improv uh I mean uh it was

[00:25:42] [SPEAKER_01]: actually just part of a weekly routine that I got myself into is like when I first moved

[00:25:47] [SPEAKER_01]: to New York from Montana I was working mostly in theater and because after I started dancing I

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_01]: got tricked into doing some musicals and then I tricked into it like it all just kept spiraling

[00:26:01] [SPEAKER_02]: this is not a life that I chose for myself this was a life that was forced upon me

[00:26:06] [SPEAKER_02]: by the people that wanted it no no no I love it but those are this terrible

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_01]: terrible ethereal dance teachers uh but like literally every Sunday I would

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_01]: because I live in Brooklyn and I would go take a tap class up at Steps which is on

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Upper West Side and then on my commute back down to Brooklyn I would stop by UCB when it was in the

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Hell's Kitchen area here in New York and I would wait in line and I'd try to get a free ticket

[00:26:34] [SPEAKER_01]: to the Askat show which is like this Sunday night main stage like flagship show and it

[00:26:42] [SPEAKER_01]: was just my Sunday routine every Sunday I would go dance and then I would watch an improv

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_01]: show and then and I had so much fun with it uh and I was eventually like I want to take these

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_01]: classes uh because uh when I was in musicals anyway it was mostly like regional theater that

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of stuff and I was usually like the featured player in an ensemble like that that was the

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_01]: track because I had a dance background I was usually like in the ensemble but was being silly

[00:27:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and I would come out and do like something silly and then go away and I was like I love

[00:27:08] [SPEAKER_01]: doing this and I had a lot of fun with being the silly little guy so I was like why not be a

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_05]: this way it was like we'll see that's so cool okay and then sorry oh sorry Heather

[00:27:32] [SPEAKER_03]: oh I was gonna say it sounds like it was like a little clicky you know it's like yeah like all

[00:27:38] [SPEAKER_01]: all institutions find their clicks as you know what I'm saying but I like to consider myself

[00:27:44] [SPEAKER_05]: indie darling please that I'm a self-proclaimed indie darling that should be in your bio

[00:27:51] [SPEAKER_03]: self-proclaimed yes I'm writing it down

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_05]: so then did it go improv to sketch or was sketch first it went improv to sketch just

[00:28:08] [SPEAKER_01]: because like improv is what I had access to I also listened to a lot of podcasts at that

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_01]: in like the comedy bang bang earwolf world because like Montana again didn't have a lot

[00:28:19] [SPEAKER_01]: of connection to stuff but there I did have access to comedy that way and so listened a

[00:28:25] [SPEAKER_01]: lot of improv and I had taken like one sketch class before the world shut down

[00:28:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and it we were building a sketch show as like we had like formed a team from the class and

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_01]: we're like let's put up a show and I had like a connection at like a little off-off

[00:28:41] [SPEAKER_01]: theater that I had done a show at so I was like yeah I'll produce it and then like the

[00:28:45] [SPEAKER_01]: world shut down the week before it and so we're like let's just keep meeting for writing

[00:28:49] [SPEAKER_01]: meetings and uh like until like so that we have a show when we're back and then that

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_01]: spiraled into us meeting every week on zoom for like the entirety of lockdown to the point

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_01]: where we ended up and it was just like an open room where people could come and pitch

[00:29:04] [SPEAKER_01]: things this is the that sponsored by group but at one point we had like 50 people on

[00:29:09] [SPEAKER_01]: zoom calls that all just wanted to be a part of like a comedy community and it was people that

[00:29:13] [SPEAKER_01]: had never done sketch before some people that loved writing sketch that could just come in

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_01]: like pitch ideas and we would all like work on structure and build things and then we did like

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_01]: online sketch and then that's when sketch sort of became the main aspect of it is because

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_01]: it's what I had access to that is so cool that is yeah I love that I do love me some

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah and uh like community too that's oh god especially during lockdown I mean that's how

[00:29:40] [SPEAKER_05]: uh I met Heather was at a UCB online class and it's just like I don't know what I would have

[00:29:47] [SPEAKER_05]: done if I wasn't taking classes during lockdown and having regular structure

[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_01]: no same I also met Heather through an online class through UCB and turns out gappy as well

[00:30:02] [SPEAKER_05]: shout out to Thomas Lennon way to put us together yeah yeah Thomas Lennon big papa over there I

[00:30:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I do owe a lot to Thomas Lennon and he does not know who I am I owe my show discount to him

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_05]: lots of lots of things that's cool speaking of discount um are you going to Edinburgh this

[00:30:23] [SPEAKER_01]: year I am yeah yeah we're taking that show which is like a clowny two-person show to Edinburgh from

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_01]: the first of August to the 11th we'll be performing at just the tonic there cool

[00:30:36] [SPEAKER_01]: what time of day what day of the week all days uh zero zero ten which is just after midnight

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_01]: for those uninitiated like I was I was like I don't know what that means uh it's uh the

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_01]: earliest and or latest show of the night so but the vibe is very much a party we took it to the

[00:30:55] [SPEAKER_01]: boom Chicago comedy festival in Amsterdam last summer and we were the last show of the night

[00:31:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and the audience got so rowdy in like the best way that we literally had to shout shut the

[00:31:05] [SPEAKER_01]: fuck up over and over because we were going up we were over a half hour over it was crazy

[00:31:12] [SPEAKER_01]: but it was like they all forgave us because everybody was having so much fun but it was

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_05]: it was it's a it's a party that's amazing when you say clowny do you mean like official

[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_01]: clowning type thing or what do you mean that's a great question I I because I'll often in

[00:31:33] [SPEAKER_01]: passing say alt comedy to people because uh the uninitiated will often think honk honk red nose

[00:31:39] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of clown and it is less of that and it's more in the like French style of like

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_01]: like an idiot failing over and over again and so the structure of that show is uh that we are

[00:31:52] [SPEAKER_01]: doing a tribute to the 70s era the disco era and neither of us were alive then neither of us know

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_01]: what that means and so we're just making it up and being very confident about it and getting

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_01]: it wrong uh like one of my favorites we have a bit where we find the script that they used

[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_01]: the fake the moon landing but it's a it's a queer love story between Edwin Buzz Lightyear and

[00:32:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Lance Armstrong and it's it's dumb as hell the whole show is dumb it's bad don't come see it

[00:32:21] [SPEAKER_05]: it sounds like a blast truly yeah I do love it yeah that's so cool and one of my favorite

[00:32:30] [SPEAKER_01]: parts is that like one of the first comedy communities like that I started performing in

[00:32:35] [SPEAKER_01]: in New York because I was doing a lot of like musical comedy at the time because it was

[00:32:38] [SPEAKER_01]: the thing that came most naturally to me I was performing with like burlesque groups and comedy

[00:32:44] [SPEAKER_01]: burlesque groups and so a lot of my friends that are burlesque performers and drag queens

[00:32:48] [SPEAKER_01]: they're like it's one of the ways that we can reach out and like include them in this like

[00:32:53] [SPEAKER_01]: alt comedy scene because like so many of the queer performing arts are also like so structured

[00:32:57] [SPEAKER_01]: around the same thing that comedy is but the like the worlds are not as intertwined as they

[00:33:02] [SPEAKER_01]: like should be and so it's fun so all of our guests acts on the show when we have enough

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_01]: the edinburgh one it's just like a solid hour that's mostly just kendall and I

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_01]: but when we have like a 90 minute variety show version of it we will have like burlesque

[00:33:16] [SPEAKER_01]: performers on and it's always so fun oh love me some loosey goosey amoxy mayday are like

[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_01]: our mainstays here when we're in New York love them oh gorgeous yeah

[00:33:31] [SPEAKER_05]: okay sorry my dog had something to say hi okay that sounds amazing why why and then also we

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_05]: want to mention officer scott yes we do but I wanted to complain about being on the west coast

[00:33:46] [SPEAKER_05]: and not being able to see these performances but as long as they have a grievance in we're

[00:33:51] [SPEAKER_01]: good we're good yeah well there is this that we do often perform at a place here in the

[00:33:56] [SPEAKER_01]: called caveat which does live streams to wherever you are like my my monthly show duty free we always

[00:34:01] [SPEAKER_01]: live stream and you can watch that anywhere and when we've done two discounts at this point at

[00:34:08] [SPEAKER_01]: at caveat as well and I guess you didn't watch them gabby

[00:34:15] [SPEAKER_05]: wow yeah I sorry my um my dog ate my computer that day and then the internet blew up

[00:34:22] [SPEAKER_05]: so you know how it is oh my god is your dog okay that's terrible the dog's fine the internet is

[00:34:29] [SPEAKER_05]: bad bill gates you know 5g etc yeah uh what was I writing down oh caveat discount here we go

[00:34:38] [SPEAKER_01]: streaming I do I love I love me some caveat yeah I'll chat out that venue it's my favorite

[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_01]: venue to perform at in New York there's great how come why is it uh why's your face oh

[00:34:49] [SPEAKER_01]: everybody there is so lovely they're like they treat you so well as like a producer the first

[00:34:54] [SPEAKER_01]: time I ever produced a show that they like they were at the tech rehearsal they had water and

[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_01]: mints for us of it and it's just the like the tech capabilities are lovely and it's just

[00:35:04] [SPEAKER_01]: there's really really wonderful vibes and the whole a whole like ish of it is that they'd like

[00:35:10] [SPEAKER_01]: to do like an intellectual comedy or like nerdy comedy is their main thing but they will

[00:35:14] [SPEAKER_01]: let someone like me who's an idiot come in and do stuff too but they like really really wonderful

[00:35:21] [SPEAKER_05]: wonderful venue that's a cool shout out caveat nice yeah okay I didn't know that now I'm going

[00:35:28] [SPEAKER_05]: to sell it everywhere yeah that's great that's good okay uh getting back to what heather was

[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_05]: talking about uh too much isn't enough the Camden fringe festival yes yeah yeah I'm also

[00:35:42] [SPEAKER_01]: part of a show called officer scott too much isn't enough which is uh one of my dear friends uh

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_01]: Sloan brett holts has this clown character called officer scott and I am lucky enough to be a part

[00:35:53] [SPEAKER_01]: of it it was funny because she asked for uh does anyone want to dance in my clown show

[00:35:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and I was like oh yeah I'll learn an eight count for you to do a little dancing behind

[00:36:02] [SPEAKER_01]: a clown and then I get to the first rehearsal and there's like a choreographer there and

[00:36:06] [SPEAKER_01]: it's the most intense dance I've learned since I was doing regional theater and I was like oh

[00:36:10] [SPEAKER_01]: but in like the best way I was in for way more than I thought I was uh and it's it's like the

[00:36:15] [SPEAKER_01]: most theatrical uh comedy piece that I've I've ever been a part of it's we just did the Atlanta

[00:36:21] [SPEAKER_01]: fringe a couple months ago or like a month ago now and it it's so fun it is about the it's

[00:36:29] [SPEAKER_01]: do y'all remember the dare program oh yeah oh yeah so essentially there's a volunteer

[00:36:34] [SPEAKER_01]: officer comes in to lead a dare program and stuff goes awry

[00:36:42] [SPEAKER_01]: but like my through line is that I am one of the teachers for because it's very immersive

[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_01]: in the sense that the the audience is treated like uh fourth graders at an elementary school

[00:36:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and I I'm the gym teacher there who's like their uh uh oh no I can't think of the word

[00:37:00] [SPEAKER_01]: chaperone on the field trip uh I also do a lot of like puppetry in the show lots it's it's so

[00:37:06] [SPEAKER_03]: clowny it's so fun I love it that sounds amazing too yeah yeah it's like every show

[00:37:13] [SPEAKER_01]: amazing amazing amazing I feel so lucky to get to do the dumbest things in the world

[00:37:20] [SPEAKER_03]: but like so and you have and then your music too I mean jeez I do love yeah thank you

[00:37:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that stuff's more like that's my little like me stuff because like if I ever just want to

[00:37:33] [SPEAKER_01]: sit down and write something it'll probably be music and it's it's because I know what I sound

[00:37:37] [SPEAKER_01]: like as me and so when I do like projects or shows I try to like find somebody that I

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_01]: would like to see how we work together and what we make when we do that and so if I'm

[00:37:46] [SPEAKER_01]: like sitting by myself and doing something it usually just ends up being like music

[00:37:50] [SPEAKER_01]: something fun like something emotionally cathartic because I've got feelings too

[00:37:56] [SPEAKER_01]: uh but I so I I love it and it's the thing that I keep coming back to so and I think it'll be with

[00:38:00] [SPEAKER_03]: me for a long time that's great yeah I hope you do because you're constantly making music

[00:38:05] [SPEAKER_03]: and it's yeah I'm always like how how is he doing this as you know the secrets are depression

[00:38:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and ADHD the other night I was up at 2 30 in the morning making a beat because I couldn't

[00:38:19] [SPEAKER_05]: do anything else also I'm sorry about that but also congratulations returning like yeah

[00:38:29] [SPEAKER_05]: something not fun into something interesting where can people find your music uh so type in my name

[00:38:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Christopher Marucci and uh like any streaming service like Spotify Apple Music whatever you

[00:38:39] [SPEAKER_01]: have and it's like M-O-R-U-C-C-I is the last name yeah great I was just gonna ask so nice

[00:38:47] [SPEAKER_05]: and then Christopher is spelled uh 357 yeah you got one of those um Elon Musk Grimes kids names

[00:39:00] [SPEAKER_05]: that has you know just like 12 letters and numbers in them yeah I swooped in there early

[00:39:05] [SPEAKER_01]: and got one of those before they were all taken yeah like I always say early and often

[00:39:12] [SPEAKER_01]: when naming yourself that's good okay but for real Christopher is spelled how oh c-h-r-i-s-d-o-p-h-e-r

[00:39:21] [SPEAKER_05]: I just want people to find your stuff you know it's based in the Latin

[00:39:30] [SPEAKER_05]: okay amazing amazing we've done depression we've done ADHD we've talked a little bit

[00:39:35] [SPEAKER_05]: about anxiety do you got anything else about anxiety you want to talk about oh um what does

[00:39:41] [SPEAKER_01]: my anxiety want me to talk about it I don't know it's I think anxiety is like the nice little

[00:39:51] [SPEAKER_01]: intertwining state between all of them because it's the thing that's always there with me

[00:39:56] [SPEAKER_01]: it's my closest confidant um it's something that I am trying to work through probably

[00:40:03] [SPEAKER_01]: the most regularly because I would say it's the thing that I struggle with the most in

[00:40:09] [SPEAKER_01]: it affects me negatively uh and in so many like different ways in my life but what a process that

[00:40:16] [SPEAKER_01]: my therapist and I that I really even have a hard time with now and I've done so many times

[00:40:25] [SPEAKER_01]: but if there's ever something that I am nervous anxious about doing I just like have to end but

[00:40:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I know that I want to should and it is good for me to do I can just like count down from

[00:40:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and when by the time I get down to zero I just do it and it's it's incredible it works every time

[00:40:44] [SPEAKER_01]: but I never want to do it like it's it's the hardest thing in the world and it's always

[00:40:49] [SPEAKER_01]: something dumb like should I text this person and uh hey it truly is I'll have to sit there

[00:40:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll be like five four three and I'm sweating I'm like shaking and then I'm like

[00:41:05] [SPEAKER_05]: hey how's it going and then I send it wow I get so anxious about it okay yeah that is very

[00:41:13] [SPEAKER_05]: relatable but also what a cool trick yeah it's very good it's very good and it always works

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_05]: for you yeah because like I mean do you feel like it's like a dance count like somebody's

[00:41:23] [SPEAKER_01]: counting you in and you have to perform at that moment oh yeah I would be counting

[00:41:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I have done it like I've had to count down multiple times because I'm like you're human

[00:41:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't press it okay let's start over and then but I I've never not done it when I get down

[00:41:45] [SPEAKER_01]: there down to the nitty gritty aspects of it but it is always something dumb like I

[00:41:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I hold myself up on the strangest little things like hacking cold dm like a celebrity

[00:41:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and ask them to be a guest on my show but I truly am like should I ask this person

[00:42:02] [SPEAKER_05]: to coffee oh god what if it ruins my life yeah again so relatable it's like uh you know the

[00:42:13] [SPEAKER_05]: the distortion of like I guess what normies would consider to be difficult versus like

[00:42:19] [SPEAKER_05]: what normies would consider to be like very easy I don't know yeah asking somebody out to

[00:42:25] [SPEAKER_05]: coffee there's all kinds of rejection there but if it's a celebrity like the baseline is

[00:42:30] [SPEAKER_05]: gonna say no so that's great because then baseline is they say no anything else is gravy

[00:42:35] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah true yeah yeah it's not like you're gonna see the celebrity around unless I don't know

[00:42:39] [SPEAKER_05]: your life that you could be hanging out with a lot of celebrities you're asking to do your

[00:42:43] [SPEAKER_01]: shows all the time I don't know no worries I mean one instance where anxiety really got me

[00:42:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I was at a an after party that Seth Meyers and Amber Ruffin were at and I had like a full-on

[00:42:56] [SPEAKER_01]: panic attack I was like you should talk to them like you should try to talk to them and I fully

[00:43:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I like I did a couple loops of the party and it was hard because no one else that I knew was

[00:43:10] [SPEAKER_01]: really there at that point and I was like oh and then I just I left I had to leave

[00:43:15] [SPEAKER_01]: because I was I was spiraling in the corner I was there was somebody walking around with

[00:43:20] [SPEAKER_01]: shots and I took one of them I had to get out of there and then as I was walking the street

[00:43:29] [SPEAKER_01]: after that again still spiraling I texted my therapist and I was like oh my god I just I

[00:43:36] [SPEAKER_01]: ruined everything that's ever gonna happen I didn't take the shot I didn't do it I didn't

[00:43:40] [SPEAKER_05]: do it I didn't say hi well because you know what was gonna happen like immediately after

[00:43:45] [SPEAKER_05]: guys saying hi the three of you would become BFFs you would have all gotten the necklaces

[00:43:51] [SPEAKER_05]: your career was gonna take off they were like do you know what we've been thinking that there

[00:43:57] [SPEAKER_05]: needs to be a third late show that follows in the steps of Seth Meyers and Amber Ruffin and

[00:44:03] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah but on whatever the spin-off of Peacock is like on the train from NBC to Peacock to

[00:44:11] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess just P or whatever that last one yeah that's what I was thinking but I

[00:44:18] [SPEAKER_05]: forgot what the rating was on this podcast it's only for elementary school kids so we say

[00:44:25] [SPEAKER_05]: shit fuck piss cock you know all the things that elementary kids really should be exposed to

[00:44:30] [SPEAKER_05]: please don't put me on a list yeah yeah yeah um yeah again so so relatable like having one

[00:44:40] [SPEAKER_05]: little tiny moment and being like well that's it my whole career or my happiness in this life

[00:44:47] [SPEAKER_05]: was based on me taking that shot of like talking to Amber and Seth or I don't know asking

[00:44:53] [SPEAKER_05]: somebody out or for me it's also like weird OCD type stuff where it's like um if I choose

[00:45:02] [SPEAKER_05]: the wrong paint color then you know I'm painting my apartment and that is going to be a whole

[00:45:08] [SPEAKER_05]: path that I go down my life is going to take I'm going to become a doctor like some idiot

[00:45:14] [SPEAKER_05]: you know versus if I had taken the slightly yellow paint color right I could have followed

[00:45:20] [SPEAKER_05]: my dreams and become a graffiti artist whatever you know it's like these are important decisions

[00:45:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that are not important is your dream to become a graffiti artist it is not um well then why

[00:45:35] [SPEAKER_03]: do you lie to us like that I was ready to hire you and you know paint something I don't know

[00:45:45] [SPEAKER_05]: I would show up with a can of spray paint like huh she's got it uh no my my dream is definitely

[00:45:54] [SPEAKER_05]: like to be a stand-up my dream dream is honestly to have a late night talk show

[00:45:59] [SPEAKER_05]: a la Seth and Amber and that type thing but yeah you know it's too precious to say out loud

[00:46:05] [SPEAKER_05]: and now I've jinxed it and it's never gonna happen so we're good yeah we're good we're good

[00:46:11] [SPEAKER_05]: it's fine it's fine okay so is your anxiety kind of like a constant companion with you

[00:46:20] [SPEAKER_05]: like throughout the day or did you mean it's more of like the connective tissue in between

[00:46:25] [SPEAKER_05]: perfectionism depression and you know ADHD you know I think probably a little bit of both

[00:46:34] [SPEAKER_01]: depending on like where I'm at with a mindfulness practice is really like

[00:46:38] [SPEAKER_01]: really does impact how I feel anxiety wise because like it's it's like a practice it comes

[00:46:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and goes I'm not currently meditating every day but there are some points where like I will do

[00:46:49] [SPEAKER_01]: like a guided meditation every night before I go to bed but like currently things are a

[00:46:53] [SPEAKER_01]: little bit more stressful in my brain and so I'm listening to uh improv podcasts where they're

[00:46:57] [SPEAKER_01]: just like literally rambling and I can like zone out on nothingness and then that's the only

[00:47:02] [SPEAKER_01]: thing that puts me to sleep yes yeah but I mean not to talk too much about the world but

[00:47:08] [SPEAKER_01]: things are constantly like I'm dipping in and out of yeah yeah I'm dipping in and out of just

[00:47:14] [SPEAKER_01]: pure joy and ecstasy anytime I'm reading reading the New York Times I'm like oh yeah

[00:47:24] [SPEAKER_01]: what a great day what a great day for me personally and everyone else on this planet

[00:47:31] [SPEAKER_01]: uh talking with uh the officer scott crew literally last night we were building a like

[00:47:36] [SPEAKER_01]: a community agreement sort of thing where we were talking about like things that we would like

[00:47:39] [SPEAKER_01]: while working with each other and one was like when we like zoom out like if we ever

[00:47:44] [SPEAKER_01]: get too caught up on them like the minutia of something we can always zoom out and remember

[00:47:49] [SPEAKER_01]: that we are doing something that is just purely to bring people joy and it's just like

[00:47:56] [SPEAKER_01]: the hardest we can be on ourselves is that like oh we weren't quite as silly as like

[00:48:01] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not world ending we are we get to do the fun thing and we are doing the fun thing

[00:48:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and it should be fun yeah that is uh yeah yeah but I definitely say like these days I

[00:48:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm pretty anxious all of the time and it is more about like trying to be mindful in a way

[00:48:21] [SPEAKER_01]: brings me into a presence like a state of presence that again is not ignoring the

[00:48:26] [SPEAKER_01]: happenings of the world because I think that's the other side of things is I don't want to

[00:48:30] [SPEAKER_01]: become oblivious I don't want to anytime that I talk to somebody that's like not political or

[00:48:36] [SPEAKER_01]: not uh like involved in that thing I'm just like but that's that's an excuse to be

[00:48:41] [SPEAKER_01]: ignorant in many ways like they're like that is also not helping uh you or anyone around

[00:48:47] [SPEAKER_01]: because everything is connected so when I like try to sit with mindfulness and like think about

[00:48:52] [SPEAKER_01]: things it's usually like how can this get better like what what is the way to like that both for

[00:48:58] [SPEAKER_01]: me in this situation like I'm feeling anxious how can I do something that usually like first

[00:49:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and foremost impacts the people around me in a way that feels good because I have a harder

[00:49:08] [SPEAKER_01]: time making myself feel good but if I can help others or contribute in some way that will

[00:49:13] [SPEAKER_01]: then help me feel good which is also something that I'm working on

[00:49:21] [SPEAKER_03]: it seems to be helping you I mean I mean you're still sitting with your anxiety right you're not

[00:49:27] [SPEAKER_03]: making your anxiety go away it's your anxiety is kind of passing through you staying present

[00:49:32] [SPEAKER_03]: and then thinking about like as we talked about like values you know thinking about the things

[00:49:36] [SPEAKER_03]: you want to work on thinking about the things that you care about I think that all sounds

[00:49:40] [SPEAKER_05]: good but do you find yourself like when you're talking about this stuff with your therapist

[00:49:48] [SPEAKER_05]: do you find that it's hard to prioritize yourself does that make sense like since

[00:49:55] [SPEAKER_05]: you're thinking about how can you help other people how can you stay aware of all the stuff

[00:49:59] [SPEAKER_05]: that's going around in the world yeah how do you prioritize yourself yeah I feel like my

[00:50:09] [SPEAKER_01]: pain's gone up by the way but yeah absolutely it's it's something that impacts me in a lot

[00:50:21] [SPEAKER_01]: of ways that I derive like external motivation for things often more than internal motivation

[00:50:30] [SPEAKER_01]: like my commitment to making sure that I don't drop the ball on something that I'm working

[00:50:33] [SPEAKER_01]: somebody else on is higher than my own personal projects but then on even in terms of like

[00:50:42] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship structures and things I often will find myself sacrificing more in terms of like

[00:50:49] [SPEAKER_01]: what I am like okay with as opposed to or like what I'll put in I'm usually the one that like

[00:50:56] [SPEAKER_01]: offers up more which is in itself not healthy and draining in terms of like a healthy

[00:51:03] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship dynamic things should be equal and I'm often willing to push past that

[00:51:10] [SPEAKER_01]: to my own to my own joy for my own brilliance I don't know

[00:51:19] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah yeah that's that's the current that's one of the very real current struggles and goals

[00:51:25] [SPEAKER_05]: again so relatable yeah yeah very much so yeah okay just because I feel like my current therapy

[00:51:33] [SPEAKER_05]: is also entering the chat so we can strike this from the record feel free

[00:51:40] [SPEAKER_05]: how are you with stating like your needs and wants let's say in a relationship situation

[00:51:51] [SPEAKER_05]: like is it harder for you to state those things and easier to just sacrifice do you know what I mean

[00:51:58] [SPEAKER_01]: oh yeah yeah 100 100 it's like uh yeah yeah okay great is definitely

[00:52:08] [SPEAKER_05]: perfect fine I love that for us position for like ever so it's fine

[00:52:16] [SPEAKER_01]: exactly it is so hard for me to feel justified in like voicing my own feelings or wants in things

[00:52:26] [SPEAKER_01]: often and not just like necessarily in like romantic relationships but oftentimes ever like

[00:52:32] [SPEAKER_01]: it's it's hard for me uh like I've been in situations where people are like how do you

[00:52:36] [SPEAKER_01]: feel about this person and I'm like well I don't like necessarily love working with them

[00:52:41] [SPEAKER_01]: because they've not been like the nicest of my friends they're like I've also seen them

[00:52:44] [SPEAKER_01]: be mean to you and I'm like oh that's good point too I forgot about that yeah yeah that too

[00:52:51] [SPEAKER_01]: but it's it's truly the things that I'm more conscious of and more willing to like speak up

[00:52:57] [SPEAKER_01]: about are the ones that are not directly involving my own personal happiness or like

[00:53:04] [SPEAKER_05]: my own wants yes okay follow-up question yeah does part of that stem from not trusting your

[00:53:13] [SPEAKER_05]: perception of what is happening to you and trusting more like I see this happening to

[00:53:20] [SPEAKER_05]: somebody that I care about ergo I see that it's like if somebody's yelling at a friend of mine

[00:53:25] [SPEAKER_05]: then I'm gonna say like hey you need to stop yelling at my friend right now somebody yelling

[00:53:30] [SPEAKER_05]: at me I'm like hey did I do something wrong here I probably did something wrong here does

[00:53:36] [SPEAKER_01]: mm-hmm yeah yeah I know like the perception of it all yeah absolutely that's a great way

[00:53:43] [SPEAKER_01]: for me I definitely know that like just in terms of my own perception of like self-worth and

[00:53:51] [SPEAKER_01]: like not necessarily like deservingness of it but like I mean I guess essentially like how

[00:53:57] [SPEAKER_01]: much do I deserve to also be treated kindly uh like that also it might not be the thing

[00:54:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm thinking about but it definitely shades in the experience of these situations for sure

[00:54:10] [SPEAKER_05]: no way around that yeah the whole taking up space Heather and I talk about that a fair amount

[00:54:15] [SPEAKER_05]: it's like do I deserve to take up space in any situation which is fascinating to me because

[00:54:22] [SPEAKER_05]: then you have people like our former president who never have that question go across their

[00:54:30] [SPEAKER_05]: mind you know they're never like oh am I taking up too much space in this room like

[00:54:37] [SPEAKER_05]: physically emotionally energetically no yeah a level of blind confidence or I just want to

[00:54:45] [SPEAKER_05]: build it you know I just want to look at tiny tiny little bit to be like I'm in this room

[00:54:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and I deserve to be here hello oh my god whoa I'm sorry I'm sorry I've never even heard of that

[00:55:04] [SPEAKER_01]: it's so funny because I was even thinking about like I feel pretty powerful when I perform but

[00:55:09] [SPEAKER_01]: then at the same point I'm like but I like I also do know that my favorite way to perform

[00:55:14] [SPEAKER_01]: is one where I'm on the back foot where I'm like lower in status than the audience is

[00:55:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and and I'm like I guess really well what does that say about me where I'm like I my favorite

[00:55:27] [SPEAKER_01]: times I've ever had while performing is where I've fully lost control of the situation I have

[00:55:31] [SPEAKER_01]: to fight for it back and I'm just like I gotta I gotta prove like I gotta win anything that's

[00:55:37] [SPEAKER_01]: always when I'm having the most fun when I'm like the most excited but at that same point

[00:55:41] [SPEAKER_01]: it's when I have the least control

[00:55:50] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah so um again another jump people pleasing how do you feel about that oh it's great I

[00:55:57] [SPEAKER_01]: do it all the time yeah even like a year ago I started a process of trying to say no to more

[00:56:10] [SPEAKER_01]: things and just being like yeah no I don't need to be uh like a body with no lines that'll take

[00:56:19] [SPEAKER_01]: up three hours of my night uh and two more hours commuting I have other things going on

[00:56:26] [SPEAKER_01]: so I love you I do love you my friend but I do not need to be the person laying on the

[00:56:29] [SPEAKER_05]: floor yes okay I hope that actually happened I hope that you said yeah no in that way oh oh

[00:56:38] [SPEAKER_02]: I said yeah so the way that you say no is to say yes also can I pick up coffees for everybody else

[00:56:55] [SPEAKER_01]: are there any dietary yeah restrictions and no I think that was a three show week of that

[00:57:02] [SPEAKER_03]: so don't worry don't worry and it wasn't two hours of commuting it was actually three

[00:57:07] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah yeah yeah because the bus didn't go

[00:57:13] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah man what is that I wonder if this like a if this is just like a flavor of creatives you

[00:57:19] [SPEAKER_05]: know what I mean or if it's like a a mental thing that like I definitely my perception leads

[00:57:27] [SPEAKER_01]: more around to the mental thing just because I have so many people in my life that aren't

[00:57:31] [SPEAKER_01]: like this and then I'm like I know it's not all of us like I know there's a special view

[00:57:39] [SPEAKER_01]: that really really love love living in this space uh yeah do you think it has something

[00:57:45] [SPEAKER_01]: to do with rejection oh yeah yeah I mean oh I I it's interesting because like I think that

[00:57:53] [SPEAKER_01]: one of the reasons why I've survived as a performer as long as I have is because I like

[00:57:57] [SPEAKER_01]: got my like degree in psychology first and I like have good like coping mechanisms in that

[00:58:02] [SPEAKER_01]: regard but still like most of my day is spent getting rejected by things like because it's

[00:58:10] [SPEAKER_01]: all like so many like auditions so many submissions so many packets so many like just so many little

[00:58:16] [SPEAKER_01]: no's that like are sort of a constant sea of no's that really do become desensitizing at

[00:58:24] [SPEAKER_01]: some point but it like each one you still feel it it's just like you sort of have to like not

[00:58:30] [SPEAKER_01]: let it hurt you and in that way it can't stop you uh but oh my god and even the like little

[00:58:38] [SPEAKER_01]: things like uh like the little mistakes and things when I'm like oh I messed up like I did

[00:58:43] [SPEAKER_01]: a music show not too long ago one of them like the last show that I did where it was just like

[00:58:49] [SPEAKER_01]: just music fully went up on my own lyrics and I was like oh I bombed I had not like bombed

[00:58:56] [SPEAKER_01]: that hard in a while in terms of like I I just fully messed up I forgot my lyrics and I couldn't

[00:59:02] [SPEAKER_01]: couldn't get back into it and I just like mumbled for a little bit and I was like well

[00:59:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess that that's just how that is and it's fully impacted the way that I've been like

[00:59:10] [SPEAKER_01]: writing music now I'm like should I do this anymore like it like working through those like

[00:59:14] [SPEAKER_01]: little things like the own personal like self-rejections where I'm like this is not

[00:59:19] [SPEAKER_01]: good anymore but I'm like but I I'm good this happens to everybody everybody fails everybody

[00:59:24] [SPEAKER_01]: like makes mistakes everybody gets rejected everybody gets knows but I'm trying to like not

[00:59:29] [SPEAKER_01]: internalize it too much but it like it's it's that hard thing of like the internal self

[00:59:35] [SPEAKER_01]: critic that keeps you like good and protects you and like makes you grow and then the

[00:59:44] [SPEAKER_01]: like which edge of that sword to sharpen and oh god it's it's so tiring I didn't realize there

[00:59:51] [SPEAKER_05]: were two self-critics like that that is so cool honestly that one is there to help you

[00:59:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and one is there to kill you yeah that's that's something that I've like I that's how

[01:00:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I view it just in terms of like because I do know that like I do have to like I do have to

[01:00:09] [SPEAKER_01]: be aware of how I'm doing if I want to like grow if I want to like make this thing better

[01:00:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I have to be aware of like the little like successes failures like the critique it's like

[01:00:18] [SPEAKER_01]: the taste part of it all it's like the reason why we like want to be artists is because we

[01:00:24] [SPEAKER_01]: like like I loved comedy and that's why I wanted to make comedy my favorite thing to do is go sit

[01:00:29] [SPEAKER_01]: at a comedy show and laugh like I love being on the audience and that's because I have good

[01:00:33] [SPEAKER_01]: taste I love I love these favorite comics I'm just trying to like make my my own stuff to

[01:00:39] [SPEAKER_01]: like it and so like like I every everything that I've ever made even like the early stuff

[01:00:44] [SPEAKER_01]: that I no longer like I try to be aware like oh I had to make that though like I had to make

[01:00:49] [SPEAKER_01]: that to make the things that I'm making now because like that journey if I'm going to keep

[01:00:53] [SPEAKER_01]: getting better I need to like know like oh yes these are the things that I wouldn't do again

[01:00:59] [SPEAKER_01]: like I wouldn't do it this way I would like to keep growing this way and I do view that as

[01:01:04] [SPEAKER_01]: like the self-critic like the internal critic but I'm trying to like be kind with myself in

[01:01:09] [SPEAKER_01]: that way where it's like but these are still a part of me these are an example of like this

[01:01:14] [SPEAKER_01]: screenshot of time the snapshot of like I can't believe I said screenshot of time because it's

[01:01:18] [SPEAKER_01]: because I'm looking at a computer like this picture of of of like a moment in my life

[01:01:24] [SPEAKER_01]: like like that came from that and that's great that's what needed to happen and now I can

[01:01:30] [SPEAKER_01]: like use all of that past stuff to help make the next thing better but I also can't let

[01:01:36] [SPEAKER_01]: that same person be like this isn't this still isn't good like I can't let that stop it

[01:01:45] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah yes it's everything yes sorry I feel like I just talked for four hours

[01:01:53] [SPEAKER_05]: I was just trying not to like verbally say uh-huh yes uh-huh like because I didn't want

[01:01:59] [SPEAKER_05]: to talk over you because you know audio format but at the same time just like

[01:02:03] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah thousand percent keep going yeah um has your um or have you come across the whole

[01:02:11] [SPEAKER_05]: rejection sensitivity disorder that comes with ADHD have you heard of that I don't I don't know

[01:02:18] [SPEAKER_05]: if I do off the top my end so apparently we're like extra sensitive to rejection

[01:02:24] [SPEAKER_05]: so the fact that like you have um is that checking out uh yeah the fact that you have

[01:02:33] [SPEAKER_05]: chosen this profession where you do get little rejections like every day and have allowed

[01:02:39] [SPEAKER_05]: yourself to kind of form a callous towards that I mean not that it's perfect and nothing

[01:02:45] [SPEAKER_05]: you know gets past it and whatever else but is really freaking cool you know like

[01:02:55] [SPEAKER_05]: because the rejection sensitivity I find it very um paralyzing for me oh and I was going to ask

[01:03:04] [SPEAKER_05]: you so when you like mess up in your show forgot your lyrics does that if you let it will

[01:03:13] [SPEAKER_05]: become something that you ruminate on do you know what I mean yeah yeah okay yeah no I do

[01:03:19] [SPEAKER_01]: know what you mean and the answer is yes yeah that's the sort of thing that that

[01:03:23] [SPEAKER_01]: perfectionist in me loves like it loves to think about that for the rest of my goddamn life

[01:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: like uh loves to hold that in the back pocket when I ever try to do that again

[01:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: um but it's it's that comfort that something that also really helped and

[01:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: it like at a certain point in therapy I can't remember what the main thing that

[01:03:46] [SPEAKER_01]: my therapist and I were talking about but I had just like gotten back into doing like

[01:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: hip-hop improv like freestyling improv uh which is uh I was one of the teams that I'm on is

[01:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: bar none lovely people and like one of our coaches his name is Ralph Sean Pierre also has

[01:04:02] [SPEAKER_01]: podcasts that's awesome it's um no suggestion it's uh highly recommend uh sometimes I co-host with

[01:04:10] [SPEAKER_01]: him he's lovely uh but uh he's like big in the clown world but uh also like hip-hop improv

[01:04:19] [SPEAKER_01]: there's so much of it that you just have to be okay with not getting it right like because

[01:04:25] [SPEAKER_01]: not only is it musical improv where you are the choices that you're making from an improv

[01:04:30] [SPEAKER_01]: standpoint are moving so much faster making much larger choices because you're singing and you have

[01:04:35] [SPEAKER_01]: to do it to a tempo to a rhythm to music and it's got to keep moving it's also now hip-hop

[01:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: which structurally moves faster and it rhymes and so like you you gotta gotta do a lot of

[01:04:48] [SPEAKER_01]: stuff to keep ahead of yourself and you just gotta accept that like you will not get it

[01:04:53] [SPEAKER_01]: right you will miss rhymes you but you will also these things that happen just naturally

[01:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: are now the world that's what's going on you just keep going and it it is it was so good for me to

[01:05:04] [SPEAKER_01]: be in a situation where it's like I just have to accept everything that's happening and it's

[01:05:08] [SPEAKER_01]: coming at me like a train yes like I and I have to get on that train and go with it otherwise

[01:05:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I am getting hit by a train like those are the two options there and uh it was so good

[01:05:19] [SPEAKER_05]: it's so good for me I love it yeah I completely agree um one of the things I've

[01:05:23] [SPEAKER_05]: been complaining about on this podcast is not doing improv in person because the quick pace

[01:05:28] [SPEAKER_05]: of improv and my perfectionism cannot exist in the same moments right so it's not as fast

[01:05:37] [SPEAKER_05]: as improv hip-hop because I can't even like that's so impressive I truly think everybody

[01:05:44] [SPEAKER_05]: can I like I cannot but I have other skills and I'm okay with that you know okay I bet

[01:05:50] [SPEAKER_03]: you could do it Gabby because you're pretty quick I'm quick I bet you could do it too Heather

[01:05:54] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah okay ready the three of us here we go one two three

[01:06:03] [SPEAKER_05]: Heather don't you know that it's time to start rhyming and everybody here wants to know about

[01:06:11] [SPEAKER_05]: your timing oh see I told you we got a couple we got a couple of that from the pod

[01:06:21] [SPEAKER_05]: um that's terrible uh but I like improv was therapy for my perfectionism before I ever

[01:06:31] [SPEAKER_05]: realized that that's what it was like no same right and if I have access like if I'm doing

[01:06:39] [SPEAKER_05]: it regularly once a week twice a week whatever then it just kind of like flushes out the idea

[01:06:45] [SPEAKER_05]: of perfection and allows me to hold on to um the moment right and also building stuff with

[01:06:55] [SPEAKER_05]: other people I love that about improv you know like you're building a world you're

[01:07:00] [SPEAKER_05]: with with somebody on stage with multiple people on stage and the collaborative nature

[01:07:05] [SPEAKER_05]: is just

[01:07:11] [SPEAKER_01]: no it's I I couldn't agree more I love that I know also I know part of me one of the reasons

[01:07:17] [SPEAKER_01]: why I love performing in general is is that I'm self-medicating for ADHD in terms of like

[01:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: dopamine like the adrenaline all of it like oh god yeah with the deadlines to come with it the

[01:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: like literal pressure the like make or break fail state that happens there it all is me

[01:07:34] [SPEAKER_01]: because like I I've also been sober for my entire life because I like once I got off of

[01:07:39] [SPEAKER_01]: like uh those medications when I was in uh in like high school I just have been sober so

[01:07:46] [SPEAKER_01]: like the things that I I fiend for are like are like performance related I guess performance

[01:07:53] [SPEAKER_01]: related drugs are a real thing like I could I could no longer play baseball or something

[01:07:57] [SPEAKER_01]: but like doping and whatnot yeah yeah yeah exactly so I'm not doing that that's not

[01:08:02] [SPEAKER_05]: but don't check my beat but let the record show that there is an ivy with blood currently

[01:08:09] [SPEAKER_01]: going from yep anyway yes I did pass the p test that Gabby and Heather made me take to

[01:08:14] [SPEAKER_01]: get on the podcast to be fair it was so weird I had to send two cups to each of their home

[01:08:19] [SPEAKER_05]: addresses please don't do that and yet the p did arrive so I don't know there was a

[01:08:25] [SPEAKER_01]: miscommunication I'm gonna say it's a miscommunication somebody's agent said something

[01:08:28] [SPEAKER_01]: wrong and now they both ended up with my urine and I don't know what's happening

[01:08:33] [SPEAKER_05]: but you passed you did you pass with flying colors thank you oh the colors are good yeah

[01:08:40] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah uh yeah it was I didn't mean to talk to you about the color of your urine it was

[01:08:45] [SPEAKER_05]: sort of a neon green and I just I don't know you may want to the way it should be

[01:08:50] [SPEAKER_05]: the way that God intended yeah it was more um opaque than translucent that also might be

[01:08:56] [SPEAKER_05]: the viscosity of it was more oh I think I might as that you paint oh that's what that

[01:09:03] [SPEAKER_05]: oh that's why my walls are so yes exactly do you know it's the perfect color because

[01:09:08] [SPEAKER_05]: I'm redoing the bathroom so it's oh good from urine to urine from funk to funky

[01:09:16] [SPEAKER_05]: I believe that performance is a type of junkie I know I don't know that was I'm now

[01:09:21] [SPEAKER_05]: in a rhyming thing so but I agree with you do you also get uh because I still will get very

[01:09:30] [SPEAKER_05]: nauseous before every performance uh I will think to myself this is so stupid you should not be

[01:09:36] [SPEAKER_05]: doing this you should be I don't know what like a library catalog person and uh performance

[01:09:46] [SPEAKER_05]: is not for you and in the instant I get on stage that dopamine that like communication

[01:09:51] [SPEAKER_05]: with other performers the interaction with the audience it's like oh yeah I'm a fish this is

[01:09:59] [SPEAKER_01]: water I like this yeah oh yeah yeah absolutely I mean I also like to try to identify it's

[01:10:09] [SPEAKER_01]: the sort of cbt of it all where I'm like is this feeling anxiety or is this excitement

[01:10:13] [SPEAKER_01]: like and like labeling the thing that I'm feeling and I um I try I actively try to be like

[01:10:21] [SPEAKER_01]: all right this is because I care about it like this feeling that I have is me excited I am

[01:10:26] [SPEAKER_01]: nervous but I like I it excitement and nervousness like feel the same in my body

[01:10:33] [SPEAKER_01]: and I can label it however I want to but it truly just comes down to the fact that I care

[01:10:37] [SPEAKER_01]: about this thing that I want to do and I'm about to do and it's good that I'm feeling it

[01:10:42] [SPEAKER_01]: because when it stops is when I think I should stop because I no longer am emotionally invested

[01:10:48] [SPEAKER_05]: in it yes oh my god thousand times yes yeah uh great use of cognitive behavioral therapy

[01:10:55] [SPEAKER_05]: shout out to cbt also a friend of mine um was was dating a man and she was gross I know exactly

[01:11:06] [SPEAKER_05]: that is part of the story actually so

[01:11:08] [SPEAKER_05]: oh

[01:11:10] [SPEAKER_05]: so she was dating a man and uh she was having to take like a significant amount of like xanax

[01:11:17] [SPEAKER_05]: or something every time they went on a date I didn't know about this till afterwards

[01:11:22] [SPEAKER_05]: and she was like I think I'm just so excited to be around him and I was like okay but then we

[01:11:27] [SPEAKER_05]: talked about it and then it turned out no she was nervous and terrified and they both showed

[01:11:33] [SPEAKER_05]: up the same way in her body right and so then um she's gay so it turned out that that was a big

[01:11:42] [SPEAKER_05]: part of it too yeah and then I think I was one of the first people she told and I was like

[01:11:55] [SPEAKER_05]: yes thank god it makes so much sense uh just one of her she had only one when she was dating men

[01:12:03] [SPEAKER_05]: she had only one thing that she was looking for in a man and that was that they were taller

[01:12:07] [SPEAKER_05]: than her and I was like not kind or a sense of humor or smart or good with animals like

[01:12:16] [SPEAKER_05]: taller than you yep and now that she dates uh you know women the list is a lot longer

[01:12:24] [SPEAKER_05]: and makes a lot more sense like she's looking for a compatible person you know

[01:12:29] [SPEAKER_05]: that's nice yeah but I like to river about it anyway that is so funny yeah I did once

[01:12:37] [SPEAKER_01]: uh match with somebody on an app that the first message that they said was how tall are

[01:12:42] [SPEAKER_01]: you even though it was like it's on all of the apps they all have your height but I was like I'm

[01:12:46] [SPEAKER_01]: five eight and they're like I'm over it and immediately unmatched me and I was like whoa

[01:12:53] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah it was in the second it hurt but immediately after I started laughing

[01:12:58] [SPEAKER_01]: that was brutal in a way that is so funny it was a three message uh correspondence

[01:13:06] [SPEAKER_01]: how tall are you five eight I'm over it unmatched it was and it was it was not like one of those

[01:13:14] [SPEAKER_01]: ones where there was time in between it happened so fast I just feel like that is a troll that

[01:13:21] [SPEAKER_05]: just goes on dating apps specifically like even if you had answered six four they would

[01:13:27] [SPEAKER_05]: have been like I'm over it and then unmatched me you know they're just there to bring people down a peg

[01:13:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and I need it oh if there's one thing myself is doing it's like oh yeah let's go ahead and

[01:13:39] [SPEAKER_05]: recap them today let's get this a little lower yeah seriously because you know the amount of

[01:13:44] [SPEAKER_05]: confidence that you're like beyond confidence it's like unearned you know that you're just

[01:13:50] [SPEAKER_05]: like pouring all over this podcast here right is uh yeah no don't worry I walked in with big

[01:14:03] [SPEAKER_05]: as a as a woman who dates men I have heard that a lot from guys that it's like a deal breaker for

[01:14:10] [SPEAKER_05]: a lot of women but I don't know I've did a lot of short dudes they still and you know what you're

[01:14:16] [SPEAKER_05]: doing the Lord's way I'm doing the Lord's way I mean they still have terrible personalities

[01:14:19] [SPEAKER_05]: it doesn't you know what I mean like that's the constant yeah no they all do yeah that's

[01:14:25] [SPEAKER_03]: the thing and everybody's taller than me so I'm only five well I tell people I'm five

[01:14:31] [SPEAKER_03]: but technically I'm five two and three quarters so I know I've been lying this whole time

[01:14:40] [SPEAKER_05]: so anyway Christopher I need a new podcast host because apparently mine is just like a total liar

[01:14:48] [SPEAKER_01]: do you know what I'm saying and no I hear you and I respect this choice I do have to again

[01:14:52] [SPEAKER_01]: say that I the bio of the podcast the OCD thing I don't fit that one but I'm down

[01:14:57] [SPEAKER_05]: to lie about that if you're down for a problem one life that's fine I just as long as you don't

[01:15:01] [SPEAKER_05]: lie about your height you know what I mean because that's what's important right yeah I

[01:15:05] [SPEAKER_05]: would never I would never do it don't do it man uh Heather I love that when you describe

[01:15:14] [SPEAKER_05]: your height three quarters of an inch popped and like that was some serious like I'm very

[01:15:20] [SPEAKER_05]: important three and five eights that's how old I am yeah I'm this many tall yes

[01:15:29] [SPEAKER_01]: this is how many months old I think that means that you're five three

[01:15:33] [SPEAKER_03]: I think you're five well sometimes sometimes in the doc like the doctors will go oh you're

[01:15:38] [SPEAKER_03]: five two I'm like nope I three do you know I see what's happening I now see what's happening

[01:15:46] [SPEAKER_03]: okay so Heather is shorter than she thinks my mom says she's five two but she's actually

[01:15:53] [SPEAKER_05]: under five feet so I can see over her head slam oh oh yeah yeah okay total tangent here we go

[01:16:03] [SPEAKER_05]: have you guys seen the surgeries that people do to get taller or they cut the shin bone

[01:16:10] [SPEAKER_05]: and they put oh sorry we should put a little trigger warning or something

[01:16:16] [SPEAKER_02]: trigger warning but you're cutting through bone yeah yeah comedy also cutting into that bone

[01:16:27] [SPEAKER_05]: that's the other part of the podcast it's just medical horrific oddities as well anyway they

[01:16:33] [SPEAKER_05]: basically put your bone in traction and you turn these screws so that your bones separate by

[01:16:38] [SPEAKER_05]: little bit more every single day and then the bone grows between them and it can take like a

[01:16:45] [SPEAKER_05]: year or something like that for them to gain like an inch or something but but people because

[01:16:51] [SPEAKER_05]: people really value height they're willing to go through this like awful painful process so

[01:16:57] [SPEAKER_05]: I'm just saying anybody else in you guys want to do this with me you guys yeah somebody

[01:17:02] [SPEAKER_01]: tell me about this recently and I didn't think about it I was like huh

[01:17:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I know everything about it sounds horrible to me but I mean I would be down to be a little

[01:17:14] [SPEAKER_03]: taller I mean so you can grow like a half an inch I know that's what I want to know how much

[01:17:18] [SPEAKER_05]: how much of a gain in height is would this be worth it for you that's true that's true I

[01:17:23] [SPEAKER_01]: mean I could also one work on my posture uh two but that's too hard I'd like to cut my bones

[01:17:31] [SPEAKER_05]: seriously fluff up the hair man you know what I'm saying like volume in this direction also

[01:17:37] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah heels exist and I wish more uh like male identifying people would wear heels because I

[01:17:45] [SPEAKER_01]: think they're sexy on all genders no I agree I I have like worn heels while performing before

[01:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: uh like and it's so fun it's also way easier to turn when you're already in releve which

[01:17:58] [SPEAKER_01]: is one of the many reasons why I've always been saying women just have so much easier

[01:18:06] [SPEAKER_05]: I'm always turning in releve too and exactly the control of their own bodies but I'm like

[01:18:15] [SPEAKER_05]: you can turn like you're already up there you don't need I'm cutting it all out

[01:18:27] [SPEAKER_05]: this whole podcast is going to be 30 seconds it's going to be awesome yeah

[01:18:34] [SPEAKER_01]: silent you don't hear my voice

[01:18:38] [SPEAKER_05]: we did actually have a podcast like that where my was it my yeah my recording didn't go

[01:18:44] [SPEAKER_05]: through so it's just Heather talking to herself apparently and I say we release it

[01:18:48] [SPEAKER_03]: yeah well but I'm also like in scatter it's like it makes yeah no I'm not going to release

[01:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: it it's so funny that happened to me when I was guesting on another friend's podcast and

[01:19:01] [SPEAKER_01]: what happened is uh he asked if I would ADR my own voice in in a way that like it made it like

[01:19:08] [SPEAKER_01]: a fun improv game for me so it was because like we met up and re-recorded like a new

[01:19:12] [SPEAKER_01]: episode but then I was also like send me the send me the file of just you talking and I'll

[01:19:16] [SPEAKER_01]: have a one-sided conversation with you for an hour and it truly was on him this was

[01:19:22] [SPEAKER_01]: when I needed things and so I had a fake conversation with a real friend that where

[01:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I was trying to both remember where it was going so I could lead us there and actively

[01:19:33] [SPEAKER_01]: fuck with like it was very fun did you guys ever release it yeah it's out on uh

[01:19:41] [SPEAKER_01]: it's my buddy noah friends podcast the noah friend power hour I'm sorry I'm

[01:19:50] [SPEAKER_01]: uh I truly do another another great show I don't think an episode's come out in a while but y'all

[01:19:56] [SPEAKER_01]: can get your fans to demand that he has another because anytime I'm on I call them the Christopher

[01:20:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Marucci power sushis that's amazing what other podcasts are you listening to oh yeah oh okay

[01:20:11] [SPEAKER_01]: these ones are what I call future friends someday I'll know these people

[01:20:18] [SPEAKER_01]: uh I one of my favorite podcasts that I love to listen to is hey riddle riddle which really shows

[01:20:25] [SPEAKER_01]: deep things about what my brain needs it's a it's a riddle podcast uh the three improvisers do

[01:20:34] [SPEAKER_01]: where they give each other riddles oh also I should say they all hate it uh they give each

[01:20:39] [SPEAKER_01]: other riddles and then they do improv scenes based around the riddles what a joy and they're

[01:20:44] [SPEAKER_01]: marvelous people uh it's Adil Rafai Aaron Keefe and uh JPC highly recommend that one my other

[01:20:52] [SPEAKER_01]: favorite go-to podcast these days is Dungeons and Daddies love love me uh that show um the

[01:21:00] [SPEAKER_01]: first season is about four soccer dads that all get sucked into the forgotten realms and

[01:21:05] [SPEAKER_01]: they have to rescue their lost kids and each dad becomes like the dad version of whatever

[01:21:10] [SPEAKER_01]: D&D archetype they are it's very fun like and I can't wait to one day be friends with all of

[01:21:17] [SPEAKER_01]: these people in a weird parasocial way where I've known them for years and you're like

[01:21:25] [SPEAKER_05]: dropping inside jokes that they have that you aren't privy to yet but you're like no I know

[01:21:32] [SPEAKER_01]: my head's always a little bit like this I'm always like cut to the side my eyes are really

[01:21:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and I just show up like a sleep paralysis demon um yes that's a great way to describe

[01:21:49] [SPEAKER_05]: good recommendations do either one of you listen to attitudes it's not improv per se but it's two

[01:21:57] [SPEAKER_05]: comics that I are comic actors that I really enjoy Brian Soffi and Aaron Gibson and they

[01:22:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I love both of them what you know them I love both of them oh yes yeah from like the they used to

[01:22:12] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah yeah throwing shade was their old thank you that I listened to throwing shade that's

[01:22:16] [SPEAKER_05]: what I yeah so it's called attitudes now because they realized that two white people

[01:22:20] [SPEAKER_05]: using throwing shade was slightly problem that track yeah yeah so um yeah I love them and I

[01:22:28] [SPEAKER_05]: love how unhinged their their improv gets with each other where like one person will just

[01:22:33] [SPEAKER_05]: start talking about something the other person will misinterpret and then they just keep going

[01:22:36] [SPEAKER_05]: I'm just like yes that makes me so happy and also they get really angry about you know like

[01:22:42] [SPEAKER_05]: current news issues and I'm like yeah that's that's the amount of like world politics I can

[01:22:46] [SPEAKER_05]: handle today tomorrow I'll get back into it but today yeah yeah yeah I feel that I remember

[01:22:53] [SPEAKER_01]: them both also from that show with Paul F Tompkins that was like I can't remember what

[01:22:58] [SPEAKER_01]: it was on it was a lot like a tv show really uh that was sort of like a a weekly sort of

[01:23:05] [SPEAKER_05]: pop culture thing oh yeah it was called like yeah shoot they that was the first time I ever

[01:23:12] [SPEAKER_05]: saw them I loved them it was called like what's happening last week or this is your face one of

[01:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: those yeah I think the first one was closer to the second than the second one but that's

[01:23:24] [SPEAKER_05]: I thought it was the whole line it was the whole thing yeah all right buds um how's everybody doing

[01:23:33] [SPEAKER_05]: who doesn't have two old dogs on their lap

[01:23:37] [SPEAKER_01]: wishing I had two old dogs on my lap also I am gonna be starting a new podcast called this

[01:23:43] [SPEAKER_01]: is your face uh it'll come out every Thursday at midnight uh so everybody check it out um

[01:23:50] [SPEAKER_05]: already got a deal with Spotify yeah it's bigger than Rogan's deal right it's uh yeah yeah oh yeah

[01:23:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and the smartless boys bigger than that too oh bigger than Conan yeah yeah yeah yeah no no no

[01:24:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Conan's still Conan's still number one he invented podcasting yeah yeah yeah yeah like

[01:24:11] [SPEAKER_05]: one two years ago it was amazing yeah yeah and the fact that he was able to sort of like

[01:24:17] [SPEAKER_05]: uh time travel to put all the other podcasts out there as if they've been happening for years

[01:24:23] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah I mean if you what a nice yeah if you have access to time travel the first thing you do is

[01:24:28] [SPEAKER_05]: not kill Hitler it is definitely populate uh the world with podcasts over a decade and a half

[01:24:37] [SPEAKER_01]: previous right yeah oh absolutely cool I do have a fun story about Conan O'Brien that it

[01:24:44] [SPEAKER_01]: not have me in it but my mom uh because they went to school at the same time he was older

[01:24:50] [SPEAKER_01]: than she was but uh there was a story that she said where the comedy newspaper uh they were all

[01:24:57] [SPEAKER_01]: drunk and wandering the streets of Boston and they like picked up my friend oh my mom and

[01:25:03] [SPEAKER_01]: her friend and carried them down the street singing so Conan O'Brien carried my mom down

[01:25:07] [SPEAKER_01]: the streets of Boston singing a song while she was in college

[01:25:12] [SPEAKER_01]: so and so that's how I know Conan O'Brien's my father and he

[01:25:17] [SPEAKER_01]: respond to my emails and let me on the podcast but it's where you get your height from for sure

[01:25:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I do have a red beard but congratulations

[01:25:30] [SPEAKER_05]: oh which reminds me uh your grandmother was a witch yeah oh I forgot that I was like how did

[01:25:37] [SPEAKER_01]: how the fuck did you know that I forgot that was in that uh uh google doc

[01:25:47] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah yeah um like truly my mom this was maybe a year ago now but we were just on the phone

[01:25:52] [SPEAKER_01]: she's like well you know how your great-grandmother was a witch right and I was

[01:25:55] [SPEAKER_01]: like what what are you talking about I've never heard this before and uh yeah she's like yeah

[01:26:03] [SPEAKER_01]: tell the future and I was like huh all she needed was a bible and a key

[01:26:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and I was like what and then she could tell you anything she could tell people she always

[01:26:12] [SPEAKER_01]: used to tell people who they were gonna marry and then one day she stopped because she saw

[01:26:16] [SPEAKER_01]: something she didn't want to see I was like oh my god wow truly unhinged truly unhinged

[01:26:23] [SPEAKER_05]: amazing my grandma's played golf anyway it's been really nice having you on the podcast

[01:26:32] [SPEAKER_05]: no absolutely thank you so much for having me thank you truly Christopher this has been an

[01:26:38] [SPEAKER_05]: absolute joy and um yeah thank you all so much for the time yes please feel free to come back

[01:26:43] [SPEAKER_05]: if you have any therapy breakthroughs you want to tell us about or if we got any more like

[01:26:48] [SPEAKER_05]: creative stuff that you want to talk about I think right now we should also reiterate

[01:26:54] [SPEAKER_05]: that you're going to be at Edinburgh and at the Camden Fringe Festival

[01:26:59] [SPEAKER_05]: um do you want to plug those real quick once again yeah absolutely yeah so the month of

[01:27:04] [SPEAKER_01]: August I'm doing a European tour of two places and it's uh and two different things so they're

[01:27:09] [SPEAKER_01]: unrelated but I am gonna be doing a discount the disco variety show at the Edinburgh Fringe

[01:27:15] [SPEAKER_01]: from August 1st to the 11th and tickets are available in my link tree on my Instagram

[01:27:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and then I'll be doing Officer Scott uh too much isn't enough at the Camden Fringe

[01:27:25] [SPEAKER_05]: at the end of August as well whoo okay absolute pleasure having you um this has been so so so

[01:27:34] [SPEAKER_05]: fun yes thank you for sharing thank you for going deep and also getting quite silly and

[01:27:41] [SPEAKER_01]: all the things we appreciate it what a joy and uh yeah next breakthrough I have as soon

[01:27:46] [SPEAKER_01]: as I'm fixed I'll be back I'll be back on and it'll be totally different conversation much

[01:27:51] [SPEAKER_03]: calmer much we don't want that we don't want that we don't want that you stay broken

[01:27:58] [SPEAKER_03]: with the rest of us yeah yeah bring more podcast recommendations I was about to

[01:28:03] [SPEAKER_05]: have a really good rest of my life but don't worry thank you I feel really responsible for

[01:28:10] [SPEAKER_05]: happiness at this point so I feel like okay two dogs cute nobody's happy

[01:28:24] [SPEAKER_05]: that is a very professional way to end a podcast okay thank you so much um of course okay thank

[01:28:30] [SPEAKER_05]: you and thank you so much Heather and you guys are both great people and deserve happiness

[01:28:36] [SPEAKER_05]: so deal with it okay okay bye everyone bye

[01:28:48] [SPEAKER_05]: welcome to the end of the show this is Gabby Blackman and this is Heather Nye thank you for

[01:28:53] [SPEAKER_05]: listening to Comically Exposed we're just a little show with two creators who edit and

[01:29:00] [SPEAKER_05]: produce each episode we appreciate all your support if you like what you heard please

[01:29:04] [SPEAKER_03]: follow us on Instagram at Comically Exposed.com that's comi-c-a-l-l-y-e-x-p.podcast

[01:29:14] [SPEAKER_05]: oh and check out our website at Comically Exposed.com that's one word Comically Exposed.com

[01:29:23] [SPEAKER_03]: where you can contact us by text or even leave a voice message or subscribe to us on

[01:29:28] [SPEAKER_05]: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[01:29:33] [SPEAKER_05]: New episodes drop every other Wednesday.

[01:29:35] [SPEAKER_03]: Also, special thanks to Track Club and Golden Finch for providing the music.

[01:29:39] [SPEAKER_05]: Thanks for listening and hey, everybody, today is a great day to expose yourself.

[01:29:45] [SPEAKER_05]: Okay, until next time.

[01:29:47] [SPEAKER_03]: In your face, Miriam.